“More like fell into bed,” He grins.
“That’s it,” I quip. “You should go.”
He holds up his hands in surrender, “Okay, I’ll stop. I swear, but don’t pretend like it didn’t happen.”
“That’s fair, but what’s the plan here, Eric?”
“I don’t know. I’m still not ready to talk to her. Honestly, I don’t even know what to say to her.”
“This is so fucked up,” I cry.
I don’t like this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I also hate that I’m keeping this from my best friend. My best friend that he still loves. How can I be sure that he isn’t just projecting those feelings onto me because I reminded him of when they were happy.
That simple thought brings up all sorts of doubts. It makes me feel even more insecure than usual, except these are insecurities that I can’t hide with makeup or clothes. They’re actual feelings.
“Maybe we should keep this between us,” I use my finger to motion to him and then back to myself.
He arches his brow, and I can tell he’s confused, “I mean, just until we know if it’s really worth telling. I mean, let’s be honest, in a few weeks, you could hate me.”
“Hate you?” He questions, trying not to laugh.
“Yeah, I mean, it happens pretty often, actually.” I use my hands to show him the mess that is my apartment, “I’m not easy to deal with.”
He grabs my shoulders, “This is ridiculous, but you know what? Okay. If you want to keep this low-key for a while, maybe that’s best, but not forever. It won’t be forever, Jolene. Because I’m not like those other guys.”
Don’t I know that? He isn’t. He’s one of the good ones. Which is so scary to me because I don’t even know where to start with him because part of me can’t believe he’d possibly want to be with me.
“Let’s start with going back to bed,” He smiles, grabbing my hand and pulling me to my bedroom. “I’m off today. What about you? Do you have anything pressing?”
I think for a second but remember I don’t have anything until around lunch, “I’m free for a couple hours.”
“Good,” he grins, yanking me down on the bed next to him. He kicks off his shoes and slides under the blankets, pulling limp duck from underneath.
“Oh wow, this thing again?”
I shrug, grabbing it from his hand and placing it on my vanity. “He’s family.”
Eric laughs, and I snuggle up as close as I can get to him without placing myself inside his skin.
“I love how this feels,” he whispers, “I don’t ever remember feeling this way.”
I make the brave decision to speak, and I surprise myself with my vulnerability, “No one’s ever looked at me the way you did last night.”
He places his hand underneath my chin and tilts it to where my eyes meet his, “You deserve to be looked at like that every day.”
I don’t know what to say to that, so I snuggle up into him, and he rests his chin on the top of my head. He doesn’t need me to entertain him. He doesn’t even need me to speak. He drifts off to sleep, just holding me. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel like a “more than friends” scenario. It feels permanent and steady, and that scares me half to death.
Later, after Eric wakes up and heads out to lunch with some of the guys he works with, I head to my laptop to meet with my publicist. We chatted for about an hour about brands, content, and what is needed for marketing my new fitness app. No quicker than I shut the screen, my phone is ringing across the apartment. I run over to answer it but nearly puke when I see that it’s Hanna.
“Hello?” I answer, praying that maybe it’s a butt dial.
“Hey, Kar. Ellie and I are driving by in ten. I have something for you.”
“Actually… I was just heading out.” I lie, “I’ve got to teach a class at the gym tonight.”
“It’s four o’clock,” she growls, “Are you seriously still mad at me?”
Yes. No. Damn, I don’t even know. I’m not really mad at her, but I have all kinds of emotions swirling around that I’m not sure what to do with.