His laugh.
His eyes.
The way he teased me about my hair.
How he could switch from hot doctor to cowboy in the blink of an eye.
It was everything I didn’t realize I wanted until it was right here in front of me.
He’s everything I want but can’t have. I know that, and he does too. If I squeezed my eyes closed tight enough, though, I could even see a life with him. I could hear his voice telling me how much he loved me. How he wanted to be with me. I knew it was nothing more than a daydream, but that didn’t stop my mind from going there.
I didn’t even know what that meant, and I didn’t trust myself around him anymore. It was like my feelings were too much, too fast. They seemed too big for me to control. So after admitting that I had favorite things about him, like a creep, the rest of the night was us stealing glances and having an awkward conversation. Until he quietly returned to his truck, and I watched out the window as he drove away.
That was a week ago, and we’ve both kept our distance since then. Nothing but a few sparse text messages and memes. It made me a little sad, but it’s better this way.
At least, that’s what I keep telling myself because, in reality, I knew that’s all it could ever be. After all, we could never be together, and my heart would have to be okay with that.
I pull out my phone, and although it’s first thing in the morning, and I haven’t even had my morning pee, I decide to dial Hanna. I’ve tried to avoid her because I don’t want to say something I’ll regret, but I have to talk to her. Otherwise, she will just come here demanding answers and try to clean my apartment.
“It’s about time,” she growls.
“I know. I’ve been so busy the past few days.”
“Busy with what?”
“You know…” I stutter, “Just cleaning and stuff.”
“We both know that’s a lie, Karly.”
I look around at my messy apartment and smirk when I see my hot pink strapless bra hanging off the back of the couch.
“I feel like you’re mad at me,” She continues. “I know you don’t understand, but I need you to accept this. I feel like this is the way is supposed to be.”
I remain silent, “It’s like you just forgot everything from back then. He flashed you one smile, and all was forgiven. It’s just hard for me to offer him the same courtesy when I watched you cry on the floor for a year. Because in case you forgot, Hanna…Jameson left you. You are a fool if you think he won’t do it again.”
She sighs loudly, “I didn’t want to hurt Eric, but I couldn’t lie to him either. Imagine if I had married him and then decided later on that it was a mistake.”
I think about how upset Eric was and how I found him at the beach. He really loves Hanna. So much so that he would try and kiss me to forget about it.
“I want to be happy for you, Han. I do, but it all just feels wrong.”
Hanna sighs, “Eric is a great guy. I love him, I love every single thing about him, but he will never be Jameson. I probably could’ve married Eric and been extremely happy, but there still would’ve been a piece of me that would always wonder how things might’ve been.”
I internally cringe. “Have you talked to him?”
“He won’t talk to me. He ignores my calls, my texts.”
I shake my head, “Did you expect him to get ordained and marry you guys?”
“No,” she whispers, “I don’t know. I just want to apologize.”
“I know you don’t want to hear this,” I quip, “but maybe you should give him some space.”
“Space?”
“Yeah, I mean… this man just had his entire world yanked out from underneath him. He’s hurt, and maybe he just needs some time to lick his wounds.”
She goes quiet for a moment before blurting, “Wait! You and Eric are friends! You could talk to him for me.”