What do I need, what do I need…
Tipping my head back, I squint at the overcast sky as I blow out a cloud of smoke.
It’s not like I can tell them the truth. The truth is fucking pathetic, and I’m trying really, really hard not to be pathetic.
It also doesn’t take a shrink to tell me it’s unhealthy too. Iknowit is. The problem is, though, if it’s not Will I allow myself to need, it’s—
“A fucking drink,” I gravel out up at the starless sky, nose flaring as my eyes burn, throat searing.
I blink rapidly as my vision blurs. Dropping my head, I stare unseeingly at the spot between their shoulders. I feel more than see them share a loaded look.
“Well,” Mason says slowly, “I for one could use an Oxy right about now. You know, something to take the edge off.”
I still.
Shawn huffs, and my gaze snaps to him just as he runs a tanned hand through his dark hair. “Pretty sure that’s a dealer standing over there.” He jerks his head toward the right.
My eyes follow, to the corner across the street where a guy shuffles about, hood drawn over his head and hands in his pocket as he paces, face downturned.
“Saw him there the other night, slapping hands with a couple of scrawny ass kids.”
Swallowing hard, I drag my gaze back to his.
Mason blows out a harsh breath. “And there’s a bar. Two actually, right over there.” He nods down the opposite way.
I know,I think, taking another drag from my cigarette. I already imagined all the ways I could sneak over there. The excuses I could come up with. Even reasoned with myself that I’ve cut back enough by now, that I can start fresh. Keep it under control. I know better now.
But it’ll be a year sober in just under a month, and to be honest, it’s that fact more than anything that’s been keeping me from flushing it all down the drain. I want to hit that one-year mark.
After that though…
Shaking my head, I try not to think about it. Especially seeing as I won’t be home with Will when that day inevitably comes.
I’ll be here, in the City of Angels, with two other addicts who just proved how easy it would be to give in to our vices.
And here I was thinking it hasn’t been on their mind at all. It’s why I hadn’t even been able to voice the words until now. Until it came down to blurting that or the fact I’m jonesing for my boyfriend.
See? Pathetic.
I didn’t want to trigger them. So much for fucking that.
I swallow hard. “Don’t…” My voice trails off, and I shake my head, unsure what I wanted to even say.
“Don’t what? Talk about it?” Mason says.
In the corner of my eye, Shawn lights up a cigarette of his own. He’s been trying to quit. I probably don’t make it easy for him, since I’m not.
Now is definitely not the time for that.Sorry, man.
I meet Mason’s light blue eyes.
His mouth ticks up, pulling at his lip ring. He shrugs. “It’s what we’re all thinking, right?” He glances at Shawn for confirmation, who nods, blowing out smoke from his nose, before continuing, “It’s easy back home. We know who and what to avoid. We’re comfortable. Our… need or whatever isn’t so loud, because we’re used to it there.”
“And we’re not used to anything here,” Shawn finishes quietly.
Mason sounds pained when he says, “We could all give in. Easily. And maybe… maybe no one would know.”
Shawn says, “It’s just us out here, right?”