It’s been a while since I so viciously wanted to bring Seamus McAllister back from the dead, just so I can break him apart piece by piece. Give him a taste of what he did to his son. His own flesh and blood.
My jaw clenches as I keep my hand gentle on his cheek. A part of me will always be gentle with him, no matter how much he might want otherwise. Sure, fucking him rough is one thing, but this… moments like these…
It’s the fact that I know he would prefer abrasiveness that keeps my touch soft.
“You don’t just stop existing when we’re not together,” I tell him. Grabbing his hand, I bring it to my chest. “You exist in here.” I push his knuckles against where my heart thumps strongly, ensuring he can feel it. “So long as this thing keeps beating, you’re not going anywhere. On the good days, the bad days, and everything in between. Even when you’re miles and miles away from me.”
His jaw quivers in my hand.
Wetting my lips again, I rock my head against his. “I might love you harder when you’re at your worst, but that’s only because you need it harder then. But my love for you when you’re at your best?” I release a breath, smiling. “It’s unmatched. It consumes me.”
Pulling back, I tip his head back, cradling it in my palms.
His eyes are hooded and so, so soft on mine.
I smile down at him. “What happened last night was all on me. My fears. If I could’ve seen beyond them, I would’ve realized how… relieved I was. Proud, even.” I shrug. “Last winter, panic attacks took you out for days sometimes. And the fact you let the guys be there for you…” I shake my head, emotion clogging my throat as I finish thickly, “Shows just how far you’ve come.”
Against my palms, I feel his throat work with a swallow.
“You got through it without me.” I nod. “That’s a good thing. Really good.”
His nose flares. “It doesn’t mean I need you any less.”
I start to smile, but he keeps going, voice rough with determination to prove himself to me. Prove his love for me.
“That I don’t want you just as fiercely as I always do. Hell, the whole time we were walking back to the hotel, I couldn’t wait to call you and tell you that I-I was okay. I missed you, so fucking much, and sleeping alone…” He shakes his head. “It was gonna be a bad night, but I…” He lifts his shoulders and drops them. “More than that, I just hated that I was enjoying myself, even for a moment, without you by my side.”
My heart stutters at that.
He reaches up, clasping my neck in his hands as he crushes our foreheads together once more. Our noses smush, but he doesn’t make any move to fix that.
Staring deep into my eyes, he says, “One day,I’mgoing to get it throughyourthick, stubborn skull that I love you even more when I’m happy.”
My entire being seems to just clench and release as Waylon’s words sink in. Pulling apart some of the tension I didn’t even realize was there, and setting it free.
“That for as much as I need you when shit’s all dark and fucked up in my head, I love you just as much, if not more so, when I’m clear-headed. When I feel strong and capable, and not strangled by the fear that I’m going to lose you, or by the voices that try to convince me you deserve better.”
“Way…”
He inhales deeply, bringing us impossibly closer. “My love for you when I’m sad and scared is very selfish. Even a little ugly. But when I’m happy, it’s pure. Easy and simple as breathing.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “Is it wrong that I want it all? The ugly and the pure. I’ll take it all.”
He chuckles against my mouth. “Greedy.”
“When it comes to you, yeah.”
I feel his smile against my lips. “Of course it’s all yours,” he whispers. “For as long as you want it, it’s yours.”
“Always,” I say automatically.
He laughs outright this time, the vibrations tickling my lips. “Not even gonna think about it?”
“No.”
He makes a noise in the back of his throat, then a hand comes around my nape, squeezing. “You’re ridiculous.”
I don’t try to deny it. Instead, I kiss him.