They share a quick look and I frown, wondering what that’s about.
“Whatever you need to do to keep that fantasy from becoming a reality, do it,” Mason says, leveling his gaze with mine. “Use it. Find what works and don’t be ashamed of it. Trust me, we all have our little anchors to hold on to when we feel ourselves drifting. It could be anything.” He pauses meaningfully. “Including people.”
“Yeah?” I perk up, my voice shaky.Then why does it feel so wrong?
He gives me a knowing smile. “You’re one of mine.”
My jaw quivers, and my eyes are on fire. “What? Why? That’s…” I shake my head. I want to say that’s stupid, but…
“Let’s just say, the idea of seeing you spiral becauseIspiraled doesn’t sit well with me.”
“Ditto,” Shawn says quietly.
My gaze snaps to his, wide with surprise.
And it suddenly occurs to me, we never really considered what he went through last year. Not only when Mason relapsed, but when I ghosted everyone for those couple weeks.
Shawn had Phoebe, I suppose. And Will. Ivy, too, when she wasn’t with me.
So I guess he found other anchors.
But still…
I didn’t think about how triggering all of that might have been forhim.
“Why do you think we chose to be each other’s sponsors?” Shawn says dryly, gesturing between him and Mason with his cigarette. “Because sometimes, the only thing that keeps us holding on, is holding on for someone else.”
“The curse of being an addict,” Mason says in an equally dry voice. “But also, maybe, our superpower.”
Shawn grunts at that.
“But you’re not each other’s sponsors any more,” I point out. “Remember?”
Mason nods. “Yeah, ’cause I fucked up,” he says at the same time Shawn says, “Because I wasn’t enough.”
Mason and I both still.
“Shawn,” Mason starts to say, turning toward him.
But he holds up a hand, looking at both of us. “It’s okay.” His mouth even ticks up in a smile, which says a lot. The dude never smiles.
Still, I feel my brows furrowing low over my eyes as a frown pulls at my face. I take a long inhale from my smoke.
I didn’t like how easily he said that,I realize. That he wasn’t enough. That it’sokay.
“That time,” he says pointedly, “I wasn’t enough.”
But that’s not what you said,I want to say. But like always with him, something stops me.
“Nothing was enough to hold me back,” Mason grits out, pain and frustration evident in his voice.
I think back to what he said about his sister earlier. Using the memory of when she found him, after he overdosed.
Giving him a considering once-over, I blow smoke from the corner of my lips. “You never did tell us…”
I notice Shawn’s watching him too, confirming my suspicions. He doesn’t know why Mason broke his sobriety last year either; what triggered that whole breakdown he had.
I hate that I feel… relieved at that. That Shawn’s just as in the dark as me.