I stomped up the stairwell to the roof. Maybe I should have had more compassion, but I was exhausted. All I had left was my well of arcana. The garden bloomed and the sunlight rippled inside me, but my muscles slackened. My feet dragged with every step.
Outside, under the true sun, I lifted my face and waited for the light to burn away all the negativity tainting my blood.
No.
Wait.
That wasn’t negativity. That was Delphine’s poison. At this point, I’d been hit with her bolts so many times that I should have been developing a resistance to it. Since I was still standing, maybe there was some truth to that assumption.
I collapsed in a folding chair that was left out here and closed my eyes. This time, I turned my arcana inwards. I flooded my body with the regenerative properties of plants and did my best to chase away the poison hurting me. The sensation pulled a sigh from my lips. I sank further into my seat the moment the poison vanished altogether.
“Well, shit,” I muttered under my breath.
I didn’t need to make antidotes. I could use this arcana to heal.
When I cracked open my eyes, there were two young trees on either side of me that hadn’t been there before. If I left them, their roots would do irrevocable damage to the building. For now, I let them spread their branches wide in greeting to the sun. More flowers sprang up beneath my feet in a myriad of colors.
Beryl couldn’t do this. Everything she touched turned to blood and pain. I created life and beauty. We weren’t the same…
But I could hear my own voice in my head. The way I’d spoken to Delphine had been cold. If she’d endured as much as I had in her lifetime, then she deserved kindness. Who was I to deny her that when it would be so easy to offer? My own bitterness had gotten in the way of a simple gift.
Of course, Delphine wouldn’t be my friend if I showed her a bit of kindness, but I didn’t want that. I just wanted her to know that it was possible. Things could get better.
They had to.
Why else would I still be fighting?
My chest tightened when I thought about the other Cerris, the ones that died in all of my dreams. I didn’t know how I knew for sure, but the sinking feeling in my gut told me that I was seeing the end of other versions of myself. If I couldn’t fix what Addie had frayed and pull my timeline back together, there wouldn’t be much of me left.
How was I supposed to defeat Beryl like this?
“Hey,” Rhoan said from the other side of my foliage curtain.
He pushed his hand through the weeping willow veil and parted the branches before stepping through. Pausing, he took in my little abode and the circle of light that shone down on me from the convenient hole in the canopy above.
“Every time you’re alone, you make a shell for yourself. It’s like you’re retreating.” He came to sit on the roof beside me.
I scowled. “I’m not retreating.”
Yes. I was.
Was I going to admit that out loud? Never.
“Do you really think I’m going to end up like Beryl?” I asked, softer than I’d meant to.
My voice left me, breaking at Beryl’s name because I couldn’t bear the idea of being anything like her. I wasn’t going to hurt anyone. That wasn’t what I wanted. Couldn’t Rhoan see that all I wanted was a bit of safety?
He reached over and put a hand on my knee and squeezed. Warmth flooded my body, but I wanted nothing to do with it. I didn’t want feelings for a man who could barely uphold his empty promises. My heart ached for him every time he uttered another vow, but then he couldn’t even follow through on them.
This time…this time I hoped he would. I wasn’t ready to give up on him, no matter how tired my broken little heart had become. We could still survive this. There was a possibility.
“I don’t think you’re like Beryl, and I never said that you were.” He hesitated.
“I hear abut.”
He sighed and looked away. His hand stayed, though. He held my knee tight like that might reassure me when he opened his mouth again.
“You can’t let your pain get the better of you. A real queen smiles through everything. She keeps a soft heart for her people. When she can’t…then she’s no longer the woman they need.”