“Because I am married. I love Emma. That will never change. I don’t know how to explain it, but telling people I’m a widower belittles my feelings for her. She deserved more than that. I promised to love her until the end of time and I plan to do that. I can’t expect you to live with that. I will always have ghosts who take a huge part of my heart.”
I pressed a soft kiss to his lips before I spoke, “Bear, I can’t imagine how much losing them hurt and I’m so sorry I punished you so much when I thought you were married, but you never gave me a chance to understand what was going on. I don’t want you to forget about them or pretend they weren’t in your life. I would never ask you to do that. If you’d explained, we could have avoided all our heartache.”
He wrapped his arms carefully around me and buried his face in my neck. “Bringing them up, talking about them, remembering them is so hard. It hurts so fucking much. Just the sound of their names rips me open. I lost them because I was too busy to save them.”
“You know that’s not true, Matt. I don’t know the full story of what happened to them and even I know it wouldn't have been your fault. You’re such a good man, and they would have both known that.”
“But they died. Alone and terrified. That’s on me.”
“Could you have helped them? If you’d not been too busy?”
He let out a breath. “Thomas tells me not. Apparently, they were dead about fifteen minutes after she called me. He thinks someone was already in the house and Emma heard something.”
“I know you will blame yourself forever, Bear, but I don’t think you have to. I think Emma and Alfie knew you loved them and would have done anything for them.”
Matt let out a sob that rattled his chest, as if he’d been holding it in for a lifetime. “I feel guilty for loving you as much as I do. I feel like I’m cheating on her.”
I didn’t get to answer him because there was a knock at the door.
“Room service.”
Matt stood, carrying me in his arms to open the door.
“I’m not letting you go again, Rogue,” he murmured into my ear as the waiter brought in our food.
Sitting me at the table, he watched as I ate the soup and bread as well as a bowl of ice cream until my body hurt with how full I felt.
“Better?” he asked.
“The food was good but talking to you was better. Tell me about them. Emma and Alfie. Tell me about your life with them.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything, Matt. I want to know anything and everything you want to share with me.”
And we sat and talked for hours, his hand wrapped in mine, as he shared stories of his life with his wife and son, making my heart ache for how much he loved them and missed them. I finally understood why he told me he was married, because to Matt, he still was. He was cheating on her memory with me, and I wasn’t ready to ask if he’d ever be able to forgive himself enough to let our relationship happen.
“I’ve talked enough, Rogue. I think it’s time for painkillers and sleep.”
“Can I not do the painkillers? They numb the pain, but they numb everything else. I think they might be causing my panic attacks.”
“How often are you having them?”
“The painkillers? Just when I’m meant to.”
“No, the panic attacks.”
I paused, staring at him, realizing I couldn’t keep hiding how much I was struggling. “Honestly, since I came out of the hospital, four or five times a day. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in pain or not sleeping or the being shot is coming back to haunt me, but I think the painkillers are making it worse. Can I not take them and then speak to the doctor tomorrow?”
“Whatever you need, Rogue. I don’t want you taking something that’s making you flip out like you did tonight. I’ll get Addi to set up a phone consult for tomorrow and we can see what we can do to help you feel better. It’s not just your body we need to heal. I want to heal your head as well.”
I nodded and stood, ready to go to bed, but Matt lifted me carefully and carried me through. Pulling the sheets back, he placed me down gently, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Will you stay with me tonight? Not because you’re protecting me, but because you want to,” I asked nervously.
Something flickered across Matt’s face that I couldn’t explain, and he palmed my cheek with his hand, running his thumb over my bottom lip. “I’ve never stayed with you because I was protecting you, Rogue. I stayed with you because I love you.”
Chapter 21