The words stung like an arrow through the heart. Broken was the only word for it. Not only was my uterus inhospitable, but my ovaries functioned like a person twenty years older. Egg production was sporadic at best with weak to non-existent LH levels. At one appointment well over two years ago, just before things dried up between Charlie and me, my ob-gyn was pretty sure early onset menopause was less than two years away. Sadly, he had been correct.
“But adoption? Or other plans?”
I checked the grounds and spied Jesse standing chatting with Eric. He was looking in my direction.
“It wasn’t just that, and it would be easy to say, yeah that’swhat drove us apart, but it was so much more. We weren’t the best versions of ourselves with each other. He didn’t make me happy, and I know I didn’t make him happy. Sex was a chore, and we both hoped a baby would turn things around for us.”
Her eyes blurred, and she stepped closer. “Oh, Mo.”
“It’s okay. I’ve come to peace with it.” I lifted my shoulders and let themfall with a hearty sigh. “I’m okay being me. Being Mona Baker.”
“Why didn’t you tell mebefore? Why did I have to find out this way?” There it was – the hurt in her voice at being one of the last to know.
I didn’t know how to answer her without inflicting pain. “We’ve never been close, you know that. I’m not even your Maid of Honour.”
“Are you upset about that?” Her words twisted like herlips as she spoke.
“Honestly? Not at all. Beth deserves the honour.” It was true, and never once did I begrudge that. Beth had been Lily’s best friend for several years. “Besides, I’m happier being in the background.”
“You’re not in the background, you’re giving me away.” She cocked an eyebrow.
“You know what I mean.”
But the scrunched nose and questioning eyes saidotherwise.
“I’m your biggest painin the ass, and you know it.” The words came out with a gust of a laugh.
“Yes, you are.” She playfully punched me in the shoulder. “But seriously, if it wasn’t for you, I’d likely be dead.”
“Well, I don’t know about that.”
“I do. I know I don’t say it much, because it’s hard for me, but I reallydo love you, Mona.”
My head tipped to the side unexpectedly. “You do?”
“Why are you so surprised?”
“BecauseI always believed you hated me.”
She had the gall to laugh. “I’venever hated you. You were a mini mom for me. When she got sick, you sort of took over.”
“It was never my plan.”
Jesse and Eric had stopped chatting, as Jesse turned away to answer a call.
Lily shifted on her boots and tugged at the scarf around her collar. “Maybe not, but I got you away from the sadness that always seems to take up residence. God, it was awful.” Her gaze turned up toward the falling snowflakes.
“What?”
“You don’t remember? She was sick from the chemo-”She squared her shoulders and stood up to her full height.
“I knowwhat the sadness and sickness was all about. I cleaned it up.” More often than I thought was necessary.
“I hated being around that, and I know you did too. I knew if I snuck out, you’d be forced to come and find me, so ina way, I felt as if I was helping you too. It got you out of the house for a bit too.”
“It was never fun. Some nights I had to hunt you down for hours.”
“But it was hours you weren’t spending listening to her throwing up and gagging and whimpering.”