My husband’s eyes trace a path between my eyes, searching for the right words to say.
“No.”
He grasps my jaw, his thumb rubbing gently across my cheek.
“No.You have every right to feel that way. What that man did to get to you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the kind of person he was.”
I nod, words escaping me as I hang on to what Noah is telling me.
The trauma my father has left in his wake will live with me for the rest of my life.
“I’m sorry about Gabe.”
Pain slashes across Noah’s features and he swallows audibly.
I fight to keep the tears at bay, but one escapes. Still grasping my jaw, Noah bends to kiss it away.
“Me too, but it’s not your fault, so wipe those thoughts out of that beautiful head of yours.”
Sighing, he tucks me deeper into his chest, pulling the covers to my chin.
“I love you, Ria. I can’t wait for all of this to be over so we can be a family.”
I still, an involuntary response, but he still catches it. He pulls back, his gaze questioning and concerned as he roams my face.
“Ria?”
I guess we’re doing this now.
“Noah.I-I’m not ready.”
His hands fall off my waist as he turns away from me, rising from the bed.
“I don’t understand.”
Using my uninjured side, I shoulder my way into a sitting position, my eyes following my husband as he paces the room.
“Noah…”
His name comes out in a rush of breath, barely there, but he hears it.
My husband whirls around, his feet heavy on the vinyl floor as he crosses the room back to me. He stops short of getting on the bed again, his jaw tight and his shoulders straining with the heavy emotions bearing down on him.
“Ria. I thought–”
I can’t explain my hesitation or my fear without hurting him, but regardless of how I feel about my husband, I needed to fix myself first. I needed to work on keeping the scary thoughts running through my head at bay. I can feel myself holding on by the barest of threads.
He deserves better, and I have nothing to give him. There’s very little of me left.
“Noah… I’m not the same person I was before. The person you married and fell in love with is gone. I’ve changed, and not for the better. I can feel myself on the edge of falling apart. I don’t want to hurt you but I can tell that I am. Every ounce of strength I have, every little bit of self preservation I have left, I need to reserve for Adrian. Our son. Can you understand that?”
Emotion clogs my throat, but in that moment, I feel my hesitation take a backseat as my resolve gets stronger.
This is the right thing to do.
Then why can’t I look Noah in the eye?
My heart calls out to him like it’s lost without a map.