Like I could. I don’t even know how I managed to spend the last three years without her.
All I know is that she needed me, and I wasn’t there for her.
I won’t make the same mistake again.
Ihalf-listen to Kyle and Kim as they bicker over his grammar and her spelling as she types out their parts. All four of us are in Brad’s room, working on our Social Studies final.
I’m sitting with my knees pulled up on the floor. I’m leaning on the bed, a plush blanket wrapped around me. Brad is lounging on his bed above me with his iPad, working on the art we are including in our project.
Kyle and Kim are sitting side by side at Brad’s desk. On it are two huge monitors with an impressive CPU, if you can call it that. It is completely transparent with rainbow lights that mirror his keyboard. He mentions that he built it from scratch.
Brad refused to let Kim use it because she teased him about it. He cleared some space for her at the desk and now she is using his MacBook since she was banned from the desktop for insulting it. I can’t help but smile remembering the fake outrage on Kim’s face.
They won’t let me do anything else but sit here and be present. The second I walked into his house, Kyle grabbed my bag and Kim wrapped me up in this blanket. Brad ushered me up the stairs to his room. I was so shocked that I didn’t fight it.
Then I was sat down, and Brad put a plate in front of me. Brad had ordered pasta, pizza, wings, and by the looks of it, he bought every salt and vinegar chip he could find at the store. It made me feel special that he knew these were my comfort foods.
I fight another smile. I’m glad I came today. It’s a semblance of normalcy and I desperately need it. Kim finally convinced me to come hang out with them to work on the project and not just have them email me their parts. Which was perfect timing because Dan flew to California with Summer for the weekend. Dan is officially moving back home so they have gone to pack up his stuff and drive back in his car.
The thought of being alone at home right now, with every inch of it reminding me of Mom, is nothing short of harrowing. I don’t trust myself not to spiral into a depressive episode. Aunt Rose invited me to stay here with them for the weekend. Kim found out, invited herself, and then Kyle came too.
Now for the first time since middle school, we are having a “sleepover”.
It couldn’t have come at a better time. This Sunday is Brad’s birthday.
One he apparently doesn’t want to celebrate.
I am determined to play my part in changing that.
The last month since Mom’s funeral has been awful. I’ve been going through the motions at school but when I am at home, I digress back to the person I have fought so hard not to become again. Dad has put me back in therapy to avoid a relapse. He’s been looking into relocating his practice back to Seattle to be closer to us. With Olivia.
I sigh and cross my legs underneath me.
To my surprise, Olivia is nice. Now that I have gotten to know her better, I’m able to be happy for my dad. She was gracious enough when I apologized for lashing out at dad when he brought her to Mom’s funeral. She was instrumental in getting dad and me to reconcile.
I just wish Dan would meet him halfway also. Dad is all we have now that Mom is gone. But he’s still salty about how everything went down.
He still hasn’t forgiven Dad for helping Mom keep her cancer a secret from us. He blames Dad for all the time he has lost with Mom. Which is undeserved.
If anyone should be blamed, it’s me. It should be me.
I am the biggest reason they kept this from us.
They feared me relapsing. They were protecting him—us—because of me.
“Lizzy?”
I look up to find my friends patiently waiting for me. I realize it must be my turn to start dictating my part for Kim to type out. I make a move to get up, but Brad takes the folder from my lap and tosses it to Kyle without a word.
“We’re going to take a break, El.”
I twist my head surprised at Brad’s sudden use of the nickname he gave me when we were seven. He stopped using it when we were in the sixth grade and reverted to using Lizzy like the others.
He simply smiles at my surprise and gestures to the door, “I guess you missed it when Kyle said let’s head downstairs to the game room?”
I return his smile and nod, “Sorry I was just thinking about how nice it is to be hanging out with you guys again.”
“Aw Lizzy.”