“Dude, this is $200,” Jack objects.
“I don’t care. Pay him and go home to Viv,” he says, pulling me back against him. Charlie turns his back on Jack to lead me to the elevator. I can feel him itching to pick me up and carry me, but I’m determined to take these shaky steps myself.
“Can I at least grab my jacket?!” Jack calls after us.
“You can get it tomorrow,” Charlie calls without looking back. The elevator doors slide closed quietly and I’m able to get the first glimpse of myself in the gold doors. There are shadows on my cheeks that I think are bruises. My hair is a mess, brittle and frizzy after drying in the warmth of the cab. My fingers come up to my lip, feeling the scab there. My attempt at applying cover-up was just that, an attempt, and a poor one at that. Charlie is watching me, standing back and giving me space. His hands grip the railing behind him.
We’re quiet as the elevator goes express to his floor. Once we reach the apartment, I stand just inside the threshold, unsure of what to do. How do I begin to explain to Charlie what happened? How do I explain that I made a huge mistake? I’m not sure how to begin to explain or make up for what I did. Charlie locks up behind me and walks deeper into the apartment.
“Can I get you anything?” His voice is soft, as if he is trying not to startle a frightened bird. I realize that’s exactly what I am: this small, frightened thing that startles at any noise.
“Water?” My voice sounds foreign to my ears. “And I just really need a bath or a shower or something.”
I could get the water myself but it feels like something I shouldn’t do. This stopped being my home the minute I chose to do what I thought was best for Charlie. Bonsai and Mochi approach me, weaving between my legs. I bend down, scoop them up, and take comfort in their tiny warm bodies. They got bigger in the time I was gone, and tears escape my eyes, landing on their fur.
I hate the look of pity in Charlie’s eyes as he regards the state of me. I set the cats back on the island before pulling off the shoes that Ashley had picked for me so long ago. I hesitate, unsure of which bathroom to use. Opting for the easiest choice, I move toward the guest bathroom, the one I used for months before our relationship became so much more.
“I’ll draw you a bath,” he says, placing a glass of water on the island for me before heading to the bathroom. I take a sip of water and immediately regret not asking for something to warm my insides. I follow him into the bathroom, where we both stand in silence watching the tub fill, steam rising out of it. I know it’s going to burn my skin and I want it to. I want to shed all the skin that Bryan has touched.
“Can you turn around?” I ask, not wanting him to see the bruises.
He looks like he wants to object, but doesn’t. I catch him watching me in the mirror, his eyes stuck on the bruises on my side from when Bryan kicked me. To his credit, he does not react to me, but I catch how his hands clench and unclench. I slip into the water, gasping at the heat, letting it envelope me. I sink down so only my eyes are above the water. I cross my arms over my breasts. It’s not that he hasn’t seen them, but I don’t want him to see me like this. I want him to remember me when I was strong and powerful, riding him, not this breakable thing that feels out of sorts in her own body. Charlie pulls a chair in and sits beside me, handing me a bar of soap, keeping his eyes averted. I hold it in my hands before letting it slip into the water and sink to the bottom of the tub.
“You can look,” I whisper, curling in on myself. I see the muscle in his jaw tick as Charlie slowly brings his eyes from the ceiling to meet my gaze. I can see the effort he’s expending to not let his eyes drift lower.
“You don't have to tell me anything,” Charlie says as he watches me. He clears his throat. The entire time I’ve known him it was all about going at my pace. It’s clear that he wants to ask questions, wants answers for what I went through, and even though he doesn't say it, it is also clear that he wants blood for what happened. “I can also call Vivian.”
I shake my head.
“I’m okay. I just...” I pause. “I can breathe again.”
We sit there in silence, the water going cold before I grab the bar of soap and start scrubbing at my skin. Charlie offers to get my back and I let him, drawing my knees up to my chest and hugging them close. He gently scrubs at my back and it’s while he’s distracted that I tell him what happened.
“I started to remember a few days ago. I don’t remember the whole five years, but being around Bryan again…” I screw my face up in disgust and wrinkle my nose. “The smell of him: stale beer and cigarettes. It wasn’t specific memories, but being in his company brought back a lot of uneasiness at first. When he hit me this morning, I remembered that same shame. That I had done something wrong.” My fingers go to the fresh scab on my lip. “I got out as soon as I could.”
I swipe at the tears springing to my eyes. Charlie has stopped using the soap but his hand is on my shoulder and he squeezes gently as he listens to me.
“He donated my winter coat and boots. My wallet with my ID and credit cards is missing, somewhere in my apartment where he has taken up residence. He made some excuse about accidentally submerging my phone in water so it was useless.. He took over my space and made it so I couldn’t leave.”
I turn to look at Charlie. “I’m so sorry.” My voice cracks.
Charlie shushes me as he brushes my crazed hair out of my face. His palm rests against my cheek, his thumb rubbing a stray tear. “I’m the one who is sorry. I never should have pushed you toward him. I said what I said because I was angry. I never should have let you leave.”
I lean into his hand, knowing that I am safe with him. “It wasn’t... I just...” I swallow deeply, remembering that I didn’t leave Charlie for me; I left so he could get his life back. Bryan was just a convenient excuse. “I’m sorry for barging in. I just needed to get out of there and I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go. I just need to stay here a night while I figure out how to leave town.” I consider that Charlie may not want to be with me after everything.
“Where would you go?” he says with alarm in his voice.
I don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill, but I think the only reason he would react like this is because he doesn’t want me to go.
“My parents’ house. I had it repaired with the insurance money but I couldn’t bring myself to sell it. It’s been vacant all this time, with neighbors telling me they keep an eye on it.”
“Is that what you want?” he says carefully. “To go back to your hometown?”
How do I tell him I never wanted to leave here in the first place? How do I tell him that I only left because I thought I was doing what was right for him? That I belong to him and him alone?
“I don’t want to impose.” I swallow, not sure what to expect from him.
Charlie’s hand slides into the water to take mine, wetting the sleeve of his shirt. He brings my hand to his mouth, and he presses a kiss to each knuckle and then the palm of my hand before laying it in his cheek. Charlie holds it there, leaning into my touch and I don’t dare let him go until he does.