An elbow nudges me and I turn. It’s Taryn, who is standing next to Charlie.
“So glad to see you,” she says, ignoring the conversation in front of us. A burly man with a ferocious beard is recounting a story from their freshman year of college that involved getting picked up by campus security after passing out in front of them.
“Me too. I could use a friendly face.” I am genuinely glad to see her. We didn’t talk much when we met, but she seems warmer now than the hostess who greeted me the first time I met her.
“Eh, they’re all just drunk idiots. Don’t pay them any mind. You look absolutely smashing.”
I offer her a tight smile. “I’m just lucky Vivian had this in her closet to spare. I swear I have never owned anything this nice.”
“You wear it well. I’m sorry if I was kind of a bitch when we met, but the restaurant industry will eat you alive and then some.”
I shake my head emphatically. “No, I get it. You have to play gatekeeper. And Charlie mentioned you’re still going to school?”
“Yes.” She nods, her dark brown eyes staring into space, before looking back at me. “I’m getting my MBA from Columbia, which has its own challenges.”
“I bet.”
Our conversation fizzles when someone taps her on the shoulder to greet her. Charlie seizes on the opportunity to take my hand and separate us from the crowd.
We step out into the bitter cold air and I shiver until I move close enough to one of the heat lamps. The idea behind setting them up outside was nice in theory. String lights help create a romantic ambiance, but in reality, it’s just too cold, even with the lamps.
Charlie pulls me close to one that’s at the edge of the patio, where we can see the lights of the city below us. This isn't the penthouse apartment, but we’re still up there on the thirty-seventh floor. I can’t make out any figures down below but the sounds of the horns and Christmas music filter up, muted by the distance.
“I’m sorry about before. Some people can be such assholes.”
I want to wave him off, tell him that it didn’t bother me, that I have thicker skin than that. But I can’t tell him that it didn’t hurt, so I do the next best thing. “Don’t worry about it. It’s nice to be around people other than you and PT Dan, even if those people are dicks.”
He laughs. “Glad I rank up there with PT Dan.”
“So, I wanted to tell you, I had an OB/GYN appointment this morning.”
Charlie looks up sharply at me. I wonder if his father has been warning him about me trying to get pregnant to trap him. An annual visit with the lady doc was never the top of my to do list, but I realized I didn’t know enough about my body to keep going on in ignorance. Since I couldn’t provide a medical history, the hospital ran a litany of tests, including an STD panel, so I knew I was clean in that sense.
“I went to find out about getting an IUD,” I rush on. “I had one before and they confirmed I don’t have one now. I figure this way, we know for sure I won’t get pregnant.”
He lets out a woosh of air and puts his hand to his chest.
“I thought…” he trails off.
I try not to take his relief personally. I am in no way ready for a baby either, but the insecure part of me adds this to the tally of reasons we don’t fit, like this is evidence that he doesn’t think I could be a mother to his child.
“You thought I was going to tell you I’ve been poking holes in the condoms and baby trap you?” I force a smile. “Hardly. I feel like we jumped into this so fast we never even had the conversation about what we saw for our futures.” I leave an opening for him, an opening for a conversation that maybe this isn’t the best place to have. I need to jump at the chance to talk to him about it now though. Each night, he comes home late or he comes home and keeps working. We have enough time for a good fuck and then we pass out.
“I don’t know. I mean, I was ready to settle down with Ainsley and get married, so I know I’m a marrying man.” He rubs the back of his neck, not looking at me, focusing on the city beyond. “But I don’t know about kids. You know how my lifestyle is. I don’t know if I could do that. Put all that pressure on my wife to raise our child. My wife would effectively be a single parent. I’m basically just good for child support and sperm.”
I rest my hands on his cheeks. “You’re worth more than just child support and sperm. Your penis is pretty fantastic too,” I tease and he nips at my hands. My heart opens to him; there is so much struggle and pain behind this question. His father is on his fourth divorce. He saw what it is like to be a child when the father has a demanding job like the one he does. I wonder if kids were a deeper problem with him and Ainsley, but I don’t press that. This conversation is about us and what potential we have for a future.
“What about you?” he asks tentatively. Kids are a big conversation. He's basically laid out that he’s not sure he could see himself having children.
“When I was a kid, I was never interested in playing mom. I had more fun playing with the dog or something. My baby dolls were never my favorite. It didn’t matter how many I got, I preferred other games. Kids always felt like they were the logical next step. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Ellie with the baby carriage. Now?” I lean against the railing, looking up at Charlie. “I just look at them and think that I don’t want the hassle. I’m not a baby hater, I just don’t know if I’m mom material.”
“For what it’s worth, I think you would make a great mom, if you wanted to have kids. But it sounds to me like we are on the same page.” Charlie twists a stray strand of my hair around his finger.
“I think so. For what it’s worth, having kids or not having kids isn’t a deal breaker for me. For the right penis, I mean, guy, I would put it back on the table.”
He snorts into the champagne glass he rescued from a tray sitting outside. “Ah, so it’s about my dick, not my money.” Hot breath brushes the hair on the nape of my neck when Charlie lowers his head to my shoulder. The cold of his nose makes me shiver as he traces it along the curve of my neck, pressing a kiss below my ear.
“Every day of the week, baby.” I press my body against his.