No.The memory alone hurts.
I flung the pillows around the room—needing to ruin the fabricated world he'd created for me—broke a vase potentially worth more than my foster mother's house and then dutifully cleaned up the glass fragments knowing I’ll probably step on them if I don’t.
Then I stacked the pillows.
It felt ridiculous,needed. The entire scene ripped apart because it wasn't real without him. The hotel floor. The perfect view. The concept of a holiday together. All bullshit.
"Be my strong girl."
I shake the memory. The knocking at the front door continues as I slump to my feet, wrap myself in a robe, and wander over to swing the double doors open.
I'm met by an emotional-looking Cassidy and a stiff, unreadable Shoshanna who is swaying, rocking her son, Stone, in a colourful clothe baby-holder wrapped around her torso. They stare at me from the hotel corridor, and none of us have a smile to exchange today.
Cassidy's arms are around me before I can take a breath; this time I mimic her embrace. She's close to Clay; his sister-in-law, so I hold her tightly with that knowledge.
Peering over her shoulder, I meet Shoshanna's amber eyes that flare with red flames. Yet, beneath the deep amber pools of fire, her anger seems an overcompensation for gut-wrenching fear.
I recognise it immediately.
That was me last night.
Something touches my leg, so I peer down. Clinging to my thigh like a baby koala is Cassidy's daughter Kelly, copying her mummy, cuddling me too.
It isn't comfortable to be touched so much, but it doesn't stir me any more than the realisation we are alone without the men we love. That connects us.
And they are in danger.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
A sob wants to break through my lips, but I clench my teeth to hold it at bay, an ache splaying through my gums instead.
"Hey," I force out, patting the golden bundle of hair on Kelly's crown. Appearing oblivious to the tension-thickened aura, she peers up, an endearing naivety set in her grey-coloured eyes. Just another day for the little girl—
How can that be?
Cassidy must lock her emotions up tight, keeping her reactions quiet and contained.
Unlike you, Fawn.
The image of the pillows being hurtled around the hotel floor, of the vase shattering, casts a sad reality in my mind.
Eccentric.
I sigh.
Fuck.
Maybe I won't make a good mother at all. Is that what my mother would have done in myeasily removableshoes? I remember the emotional breakdowns…So many of them.
Check out that apple by the tree, Fawn?
Looks a bit like you.
Irritated at my own inner monologue, I snap my eyes up from Kelly's hair to the hallway. Lining the corridor walls aresoldiers—that’s what they are to me today—including HJ and two other men who are dressed slightly different to the rest. They converse quietly.
I shudder, butterflies like goddamn bats beating their wings inside my stomach. I haven’t felt them this intense for weeks. This scene is plucked straight from a crime series. A hostage situation, maybe.