‘Aye, and I am glad of it but you are still hot and cold to me Ailsa. With you, the ground is constantly shifting under my feet.’
‘That is because I don’t really know who I should be any more Duncan.’
‘You are my wife.’
‘You know it is not as simple as that.’ They both fell silent again.
‘The friends you lost were they very dear to you?’ asked Ailsa sadly.
‘Yes, some I had known all my life and I grieve their loss. When you fight you think only of survival, you try to keep your men from harm, you concentrate on that. It is only afterwards that you count the cost, in fallen comrades and in your soul.’
‘What do you mean your soul?’
‘I told you once what it is to kill a man Ailsa. It eats away at you, the images of the dead and the dying, awful sights I pray you never to see. Then comes guilt that you cannot wash away no matter that you tell yourself it was all for the good of others, for family loyalty, that you have the right cause. And those feelings of remorse must be hidden for they are a weakness and those who follow you need you to be resolute and strong, they need you to lead and if you don’t more of them will die.’
‘So you never wanted this fight.’
‘No I did not but Ailsa, it was inevitable and when it was upon us this fight was mine to win or lose. And I know it is not over yet. Sometimes the things I have done in the name of my clan torment me. I feel that maybe I am a bad man and that God has turned his back on me.
‘I don’t think that Duncan,’ she said softly.
‘Ailsa, I wouldn’t blame you if you did. What have you seen of the world and men like me? You grew up in comfort and safety, shielded from harsher realities by a loving family.’
‘Yes but my father often talked to me about the world beyond Cailleach and its dangers.’
‘Hearing of it and living it are two very different things Ailsa. You had the benefit of indulgent parents who gave you the example of kindness and love. I had a family named blackened to infamy by a drunken lout of a father and then a childhood in the company of my uncle, who until his own son and heir died, resented the burden of me.’
‘But Hugh loves you in his way I think.’
He laughed. ‘He would die before he would ever admit to that.’
‘And your mother?’ asked Ailsa, treading lightly on dangerous ground.
‘She ran away from my father’s rage when I was a boy and never came back.’ He stood up abruptly and strode to the loch’s edge. Ailsa stayed silent and waited. For a long time, there was just the soft lapping of the water against the rocks before Duncan replied.
‘I watched every day for her return. I was sure of it. I loved her you see. But when the weeks turned into months something started to die in my heart, it hardened against her, not that she cared for I never saw her again.’ He came to sit beside her again.
‘I think…I think I lost something when I was young, something of love.’
‘There is nothing lost, that cannot be found again, Duncan.’
‘I am not complaining,’ he said briskly, slapping his palms down onto his knees, snapping out of his self- pity. ‘It made me strong in a way an easy life cannot and I learned a lesson from it. I never allow myself to look forward to anything, to become too comfortable with what I have in life, in case it is snatched away from me.’ He looked at her again and his face was full of longing. ‘I have that habit still.’
‘I know in some measure how that feels.’
‘I suppose you do.’
‘I was so foolish when I danced at Morag’s wedding with not a care in the world, never dreaming that a year later I would be here.’
‘I would have spared you all that pain if I could, instead, I am the one who has inflicted it.’
‘I don’t think that, not any more. You have protected us all since you rode into Cailleach and you have treated me well, all things considered. Do not be so harsh on yourself.’
‘Tell me true Ailsa, you do not have to be brave and conceal your feelings. Are you very unhappy with me?’
‘No, I am not unhappy, and if I am honest, I know you’ve tried to be kind to me.’
‘Yet you must still yearn for your old life. What about Robert?