I swallowed, wincing at the pain, and leaned back against the pillow. He gave a soft moan as my fingers tangled in his thick, dark waves. Playing with the strands, brushing them back from his temple. There was a vein running beneath the skin and I traced it down to his jaw.
“Can we start again?” he said softly.
“I don’t know how.”
Maybe those weren’t the words he wanted to hear, but they were honest.
“I know I hurt you. But just name your price and I’ll pay it.”
“It’s not that simple,” I whispered, my eyes filling with tears. I stared out the window, his face warm beneath my hand. “All my life, I sat in rooms like this. Alone and waiting for someone, for something to break me out. I’ve never been loved, not really. It hurt me that you denied me your love for so long, but I do understand why you did.”
“I’m trying…to work through it,” he said.
“I know. I just wish we both didn’t have so much baggage. It would have made everything so much simpler from the beginning.”
His fingers curled in my lap and his amber gaze fixed on nothing. I saw his throat bob as he swallowed.
“You were never a monster to me,” I said. “Not until you got lost in all your pain and couldn’t see past your jealousy.”
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I truly didn’t know how I felt until it was too late. I thought it would fix things if I could just get a handle on my jealousy and give you that fantasy with Merrick. I wish I could have been honest with you.”
“Could you have been, even if you wanted to?” I asked. “You’ve been lost in self-hatred and deep denial for a long time.”
He shook his head, at a loss for words.
“I’m sorry for the part I played in everything.” My voice cracked. “I’m not innocent.”
He rolled onto his stomach, looking up at me. His jaw worked and he ran a hand over his face. “No, I’m to blame for all of this. I saw your weakness and I fed it until you were eating from my hand. Literally. I should have known better. You’re young and inexperienced.”
I forced myself not to be offended. “I like the things you do to me in our bedroom.”
His face stilled, his eyes bright. “But not what I did last night.”
I shook my head. “That was your selfishness.”
“I know,” he breathed. “I can’t become a different man for you, but I can give you the best of myself. The purist form of me is on my knees at your feet and I’m happy to spend the rest of my life there.”
I was speechless, my mouth hanging open. He reached up and gently closed it, his fingertip lingering on my skin.
“I will always be a bit monstrous, I’ll always be too much,” he murmured. “But I swear I’ll never hurt you again.”
There was a long silence and his head sank down and I kept stroking his hair. The wind whipped the window and rattled the pane. Inside, the gas fireplace turned on and filled the room with a faint whirring sound. I gazed down at him, at the beautiful man in my lap and something fell into place. Something clicked in my chest and peace settled through me.
“We can start again,” I murmured. “But I want everything.”
“Anything you want, it’s yours.”
“I want a place at your side, not just in your home,” I said firmly. “I want to finish at the academy and audition for the opera company. I want a husband who loves me and respects me by day. And at night, I want you to let your monster out and satisfy us both.”
“Done,” he said swiftly.
“And one more thing.”
“Anything.”
I took a breath. “Promise not to hide from my love again. I’ll never hurt you, Peregrine. This is different, I promise, I’m not one of them.”
His jaw tensed, working hard. “I promise,” he said, his voice husky.