My body shook with anger as I slipped through the bedroom door and pushed down the lock, but as soon as I heard his body hit the other side, all of that rage melted. All that was left was hot tears and shame.
He had humiliated me and I’d been so desperate for his attention and his touch, I’d let him. I knew he hadn’t done it to hurt me—he wasn’t that sort of man. But in the depths of his pain, he’d let his monster off the leash and it had sank its teeth into my flesh.
That was what I couldn’t forgive him for. He’d promised to protect me from himself and in the midst of his jealousy, he had hurt me. I’d been so naive and desperate for his praise, I hadn’t taken his warnings seriously until it was too late.
I had given him the most vulnerable part of myself—my fear of loneliness and my craving for attention and adoration. And he’d used it to prove himself to everyone. He’d left me for a week and then he’d fucked me in that room for everyone to see. Just to make a point. I could have been a ghost to him so long as he was satisfied.
“Lia,” he breathed from the other side. “Please, for the love of God, let me in.”
I slid against the door and wrapped my arms around my knees and leaned my head back. Hot tears slid down my face and dripped down my bare shoulders. On the other end I heard him slip down and I knew he was on the hallway floor. We were both crumpled and broken and painfully separate.
“I love you and I’m so sorry it took me so long to realize it,” he said.
“You fucked up.” My throat caught. “You left me and then you used me. You know why that hurt me so badly.”
“I know. God, believe me, I know that now. Let me make it better, let me love you. I was always going to come back, I just needed to collect myself, but I know now I should never have left you even for a moment. Let me spend the rest of my life never leaving you ever again.”
I swallowed back the sob lodged in my throat. “When did you start loving me?”
There was a long silence.
“I don’t know,” he said, his voice thick. “Always, perhaps.”
“Why did it take so long for you to know?”
It wasn’t a fair question because it had taken me a while to know how I felt too, but I didn’t care. My heart was a cold knot in my chest and I refused to relent. He had disappeared for a week so I was fine with letting him suffer the way I had for as long as I pleased.
“I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like…I don’t know how to love like other people do. But I do know that I will protect you, I’ll give you everything you could ever need. I’ll never fucking let you go.”
I kept quiet, my nails digging into my skin.
His voice was thick, hoarse with desperation. “Teach me to love you. You tame my monster, Lia. Please let me in, angel.”
His words hit the deepest part of me and tears streamed down my face, hot and heavy. Every part of my tender heart wanted to open the door and let him in. I wanted him in my bed so he could beg for my forgiveness with his mouth and body. But he had hurt me too badly for me to chip the ice from my heart and allow him to sleep beside me tonight.
“Go to bed,” I gasped. “There are dozens of other rooms in this house. Find somewhere else to sleep tonight.”
I heard him stand and I got to my feet and backed up with my pulse thumping painfully. I thought I could make out his fingertips on the other side of the door, his nails digging into the wood.
“You are mine, Lia,” he said softly. “I’ll get on my knees, I’ll beg for your forgiveness every day until I get it. But if you run from me, I will hunt you down and bring you home to my bed where you belong.”
I bit my lip hard to hold back the sob shuddering through my chest.
“I will worship you day and night, angel, until you forgive me,” he breathed. “I’ll sleep on the floor outside your door every night until you let me in.”
Despite my tears, my body warmed. My God, why did it have to respond to him like this? My fists clenched and I squeezed my eyes shut.
Don’t do it.
Don’t break for his beautiful face and lift that lock.
He meant every word, I felt the desperation in his voice. Shaking, I stripped my clothes and showered all my makeup away. Then I padded to the door and bent to peer beneath it. There was nothing but the dark material of his clothes pressed against the crack. A sudden warmth stole over me despite my tender, angry heart. He was protecting me as he always did. If he was truly a monster deep down in his brokenness, at least he was mine.
I curled up in his side of the bed and breathed in the spicy, smoky scent of his pillow. Warmth stole over me as I lay in the dark. I hadn’t truly realized what I felt until he’d let Merrick touch me and my body hadn’t responded the same way. That had been pleasant, but it hadn’t been the dark, frantic ecstasy my husband plunged me into.
It hadn’t been paradise and hell all at once.
As I fell into oblivion, I weighed my own guilt against his, and although he was more to blame than I was, I could still see how I’d fed into the situation. I wasn’t guilty of denial the way he was because if he had just admitted his feelings, I’d have admitted mine too. But I’d also never been brave or aware enough to admit my feelings.