I shake my head.
“Have you thought about visiting the campus psychologist again?”
“No,” I snap.
“Um, okay.”
Shit. I overreacted. “Sorry.”
“It seemed to do you good when you had regular appointments.”
“No, I would rather not.”
“Maybe find someone else off campus? Someone to talk to about these nightmares? Maybe prescribe some medication?”
I can do this on my own. I just need a little time to get things settled. Then I will be fine. I can survive. I am good at that.
“I just…” I start, pausing long enough to piece together my words. Claire’s attention turns from wiping up a small spill to me. She looks hopeful, as if I am going to let her in. Pangs of guilt flush through my body. She’s my best friend too. We would have never met if the car accident didn’t happen. I was content at Baker City Community College studying General Education and playing it safe with minimal risks taken. I wanted to be a voice coach and utilize some of the talent that my high school teachers raved about. James had the raw talent though. I just didn’t know what else to do with my life but knew that getting some type of degree was my only way out of the town. I would have never needed to start fresh in Portland. “I…I…”
“You don’t—”
“I just haven’t had a dream that graphic about James in months.”
Her eyes soften. “Yeah?”
“I thought that they were going away. Guess not.” I say more than I usually would. The lasting effects of the pill relax me enough to not have a panic attack over the discussion.
“Angie, you’re having them more often than you think.”
I glance up from my bowl of oatmeal.
She stops fiddling with the dishes on the counter and finds a seat next to me at the table. “You have an episode about every other week.”
My bottom lip drops down in shock. “What? Really? Since when?”
Claire gives me a half smile. “Since forever. But mostly over the past four weeks.”
“I’m sorry that I wake you.”
“Oh, no. You don’t. I am getting ready by that time and on my way to the gym.”
“Oh.”
“I always just check on you and call your name a couple of times. You don’t even fully wake up or realize that it’s happening. Then you go right back to sleep.”
“I just have so much on my mind. James’s anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. My dad is back to his old tricks. And I miss my mom so much.”
“I wish I could make things better.” Claire moves closer, pulling me into a warm hug that I didn’t even know I needed until I was draining my reservoir of tears onto her shoulders.
“My…my dad…he hasn’t call…called you? Has he?”
Her hands move over my back, soothing me. She pulls away to look into my eyes. “Only that one time. And I told you about it and we handled it together. Is he asking you for more money, Ang?”
“Not yet. But I just have a bad feeling about it. I’m ignoring him right now.” It’s my coping method of choice when it comes to him.
One side of her mouth lifts up. I know she wants to say the famous filler words “I’m sorry” but knows better than to use them on me.
“It’s like being happy is not honoring James’s death,” I admit.