He and the new prospect, Reno, went out for a run early this morning, so I can’t even ask him about what I think I remember.
I take a few deep breaths in an effort to calm my nerves. Maybe my brain is just getting things mixed up. Perhaps none of that actually happened.
I just need to get through today, and then I can ask Muffler tonight. Right now, I know I’m safe in the clubhouse, and that’s all that matters. So, what if it feels like I may actually be going crazy?
* * *
The few hours I had to wait in order for Hoodrat and me to get lunch were excruciating. No matter how much I tried to block out the unfinished memories, they seemed to be playing on a loop in my mind.
When we get to Mamie’s, Hoodrat’s still giving me the same hesitant vibes he was giving me earlier. He’s back to walking on eggshells.
I hate it.
We don’t have to wait for long before someone shows us where to sit.
“Wow, even this place looks different,” I say out loud, but it’s more to myself than to him.
When I look back at my brother, his face is slightly paler than it was a second ago.
“What’s wrong? I’m not going to keel over and die, but it seems like the longer I’m out of the hospital, the more you handle me like I’m going to blow apart at any second. Everyone keeps telling me to stay calm, but shit is starting to not add up. Tell me, what’s going on?” I cross my arms over my chest and stare at him.
I’m tired of trying to figure this shit out on my own. Muffler isn’t going to be home until later tonight and everyone else, my brother included, seems to be double guessing every word that comes out of their mouth. I just want someone to be real with me for once.
“Beretta, I’m going to be honest with you. This is a fucked up situation. You do remember what the doctor said, right? About the memories?”
I shrug and drop my arms, not wanting him to think I’m closed off to whatever information that he’s willing to give me, “Yeah, of course, I remember. He said that I had forgotten some things that happened before the accident. That it may be a little jarring when the memories come back, but it’s normal.”
“Yeah, exactly. Well, we’re all supposed to let you find your memories on your own without pushing too hard. The doctor said it had something to do with not stressing the brain. I’m fucking petrified that I might say something that will trigger one of your memories before it’s time, and you get worse. I don’t want to do that to you. I just don’t want to hurt you, that’s all.”
I want to be mad at him, but I can’t. I understand exactly what he’s saying. I’d do anything to make sure that he wasn’t hurt as well. If I knew that something I might say could possibly hurt him, I’d be biting my tongue at every chance I get as well.
“You don’t want to hurt me, huh?” I squint my eyes at him and watch as he leans back in the seat. “Well, is that why you didn’t want to tell me about Giada? I mean, I’m not going to lie. I’m a little hurt by that. I would’ve thought you’d know that I approve of her. I always liked Giada.” I soften my voice to let him know that I’m no longer angry with him.
“Oh, um, well . . .we didn’t want to spring too much on you at once. I knew you liked her, but I wasn’t sure how you would feel about this. You know that I’m hurt too. I wish you were able to tell me about Muffler.”
Dun-dun-dunnnnn
I swallow hard and sink further into my seat. This is exactly what the saying don’t throw stones at glass houses means. I’ve been hiding a whole relationship from my brother and have the nerve to be upset with him because he didn’t tell me about Giada and him having a child.
How do I explain to him without hurting him why I thought keeping the way I feel for Muffler secret was a good idea?
I don’t say anything for a few seconds, and thankfully the waiter comes over and takes our order. Once she comes back with our drinks, I do my best to explain to him what the issue is with Muffler and me, not telling him what the real deal between us was.
It’s obvious, based only on the two days I’ve been out of the hospital, that my brother and my man are not the best of friends right now. I’m not blind to the fact it’s because of Hoodrat finding out one of his best friends is in a relationship with his sister. I wish it weren’t the case, but I can’t help who I love.
Just by caring for Muffler, it feels like I’m going against my brother. I don’t want him to feel like I’m a traitor, but I can’t deny how I feel either.
“Hoodrat, have you ever loved someone so much that the very thought of telling others about the relationship made you feel like you were somehow dooming it? That you knew the minute you let the world know just how happy you were with that person, there was always going to be a reason why you couldn’t be with them. A reason why you have to let go of the greatest happiness you’ve ever known. That’s how it is with Muffler.
“I know a relationship is just about the last thing either one of us should be doing, but I care for him so much. And I know he cares for me in the same way. We’re good for each other, and even though I know this life and the people you all are in contact with can and probably will do me some damage eventually, I don’t care. It means shit all if I have to be away from him just because he’s a part of it. I’ll take all the pain and heartache.”
Hoodrat’s cheeks get a little red, and he downs the last of his drink. He groans and sighs but doesn’t tell me what he’s thinking.
“What?” I keep my gaze on him, not wanting him to try and dismiss whatever he’s thinking.
“I would’ve never in a million years thought you and Muffler would get together. But now that I’m seeing the two of you and really thinking about it, I must say it does make sense. He stares at you like the sun rises when you smile. It’s a tad bit annoying.”
He rolls his eyes, and I pick up a piece of the bread and toss it at him.