I put a cigarette in-between my lips and turned around to get an ashtray from the windowsill. Claudia helped herself to one as well. I lit it up without a question, even though she never smoked.
“Don’t give me the silent treatment, Thomas. I can’t help if you won’t talk. I know you won’t talk to Mel or Jane, so I’m the only chance you’ve got at hearing a woman’s point of view.”
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. If anyone could help me, then Mel being Nadia’s friend was the best equipped to do so, but I was scared to talk to her. I was scared ofherhalf the time. She liked to yell, and I didn’t like to listen to her high-pitched voice.
“There’s no way you can help.” I breathed out all the air from my lungs. “She left. She went back to New York to her ex, and that’s that.”
Claudia clicked her tongue. She never had much patience and hated it when people played her for a fool. It would be wise to fear her, too.
“Scorpio told me that much. I want to know how you’re dealing with it—apart from getting alcohol poisoning every day.”
“I’m not fucking dealing with it. I feel like my life has stopped.” I tried to laugh it off, but it came out like a cry for help. “It’s nothing. She just caught me off guard. I’ll be fine, but I need time to fall out of love.”
Claudia took my hand, her eyes full of compassion. “Who are you kidding? You’re not fine. Why did she leave? Scorpio didn’t seem to know much… or maybe he thought it wasn’t his place to tell me.”
It wasn’t. It also wasn’t his place to tell Claudia that Nadia left or that I was slowly developing a drinking problem, but I wasn’t mad. He had my best interest in mind, as always.
“Nadia’s ex is not what you would callstable.” I pinched the ash from my cigarette. “She went back to hold his hand, because he tried to kill himself. It’s a long story, but the point is she’s gone. She left, and I can’t move on. I can’t hate her, because in a way I understand her, but I also can’t love her; I don’twantto love her, because she chose him.”
Claudia bit her lip, studying my face with an unreadable expression. She would make one hell of a poker player.
“What would you do if she came back today?”
The thought of seeing her did weird things to me. Relief came first but was soon replaced with anger and confusion. If Claudia asked the same question three weeks ago, my answer would have been “I’d do everything to make her mine”, but now that I had time to overthink it, something much different came out of my mouth.
“I think I’d be scared to see her.”
“Scared?”
“I’m not in the right place to face her. It’ll take time before I won’t have the urge to try and win her back somehow.”
“So, you don’t want her back?”
The sceptical note to Claudia’s voice didn’t slip my attention. She was calling my bluff, but as surprised as I was, I wasn’t bluffing. Not in that moment, at least. I couldn’t trust my mind lately. It never stayed in once place, changing a dozen times a day when it came to Nadia. I loved her, missed her and hated her on repeat… although hate was too strong of a word. I was just hurtbeyond comprehension.
How the fuck were people surviving that kind of emotional turmoil and still come out normal on the other side? I sure couldn’t imagine fully recovering. Even if I did, there was no way I would still be the same guy.
My relationship with Nadia was short and intense. I gave her all I had, but it wasn’t enough. She still chose Adrian, proving that we weren’t meant to be. She was just my wake-up call—a sign that pointed me in the right direction, showing me that I could live a happy life instead of letting the grief continue to consume me.
Too bad I couldn’t have a happy life without her.
CHAPTER 5
NADIA
Abracadabra
New York in October was lovely. Leaves turned gold, brown and red, transforming Central Park into a spectacular, post-card picture. It was my favourite place to be with a sketchpad in hand and a cup of take-away coffee on the bench. While my pencil scratched the paper, the hum of the city life was muffled by the music playing from my headphones.
Ty brought me here in the afternoon for some alone time. I missed the deadline to apply for university transfer and decided to take a gap semester. I was stuck in the apartment with nothing to do, and a remorseful Adrian crowding my personal space. It was exhausting, but I grit my teeth, slowly walking him across the bridge that lead from addiction to full recovery.
The same bridge led me further away from Thomas.
I closed the sketchpad when someone pulled the earphones from my ears and placed his warm hands over my eyes.
“You had better have a pop-tart in your pocket,” I muttered.
Adrian sat beside me, presenting a pop-tart. “Always, puppet.”