Eth’tak.
I suck in a cleansing breath, pushing myself up to my feet. I can make my peace with the fact that Tolmond doesn’t love me- it hurts, and it will take time, but I’m used to people discarding me. It shouldn’t be surprising that Tolmond isn’t interested.
But Eth’tak, my sweet, gentle giant- I’msurethat he cares about me. After everything, maybe all of this was just leading me to him. Maybe these are just necessary growing pains and this mess with Tolmond is a necessary heartbreak, all intended to show me that all I truly needed is right in front of me, and had been the whole time.
I allow myself a few minutes in the bathroom, fixing my hair and trying to dispel the redness and puffiness of tears from my face before I leave the room, striding for the sparring room. Eth’tak’s craft is important to him, and if he’s not eating, sleeping, or off on a mission, I can almost always find him there.
It doesn’t take me long to reach the sparring room, although the minutes seem to drag by between the fear of running into Tolmond and the anxious pounding of my heart. I don’t know if I can take another rejection right now, but I know Eth’tak. Surely he wouldn’t lead me on.
Just as I suspected, Eth’tak is in the sparring room, practicing hand-to-hand combat skills with a dummy that’s seen far better days. The powerful muscles of his back ripple around his wings as he practices his maneuvers. I linger in the doorway for a moment, watching the fluid grace with which he moves and admiring the way the light leeches through the thin membrane of his wings, turning their usually dark gray color to a warm red where the sunlight shines through.
I clear my throat from the doorway, not wanting to catch Eth’tak off-guard. His ears twitch in my direction a millisecond before his head turns, that lopsided grin stretching over his face as he sees me.
My fragile heart is soothed by that smile, and before I know it Eth’tak is on me, sweeping me into his arms and swinging me off the ground in a crushing hug. I burrow my face into his bare chest, squeezing my arms around his neck tightly and inhaling the scent of him, very nearly losing grip on my emotions again.
After everything that’s happened today, it’s all I can do not to burst into tears at the sudden comfort and safety of being so close to him. Eth’tak pulls back from the hug enough to look down into my face, his brows furrowed slightly.
“You smell like you’ve been crying,” he murmurs, his fingers brushing delicately across my face as if to feel for tear tracks. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head, not wanting to muddy this moment. This conversation needs to be about us- I don’t want him to say something he doesn’t mean for the sake of sparing my feelings. “Nothing’s wrong,” I lie quietly, running a thumb over the crease in his brows as if I could smooth the worry out of his face. “I just wanted to talk to you.”
Eth’tak smiles sweetly in response and carries me to the small bench along the wall, seemingly as reluctant to let go of me as I am to be away from him. We settle onto the bench, and he turns an expectant eye on me.
“Did you want to talk about anything in particular?” He rumbles as he swipes up a nearby skin of water, downing its contents. I suck in a breath, weighing my words carefully and pushing down the fear of rejection urging me to keep my mouth shut.
“Yes,” I say slowly, looking down at my folded hands before meeting his crimson eyes to notice that the crease between his brows has returned.
“I don’t really know how I’m supposed to do these things,” I admit, “So I’m just going to come out and ask. What is this? What are we doing?”
“We’re- sitting?” Eth’tak answers, confusion and a bit of humor playing in his eyes.
I roll my eyes, heat burning in my face. “Yes, yes, very good Eth’tak,” I retort, fighting the urge to bury my face in my hands. “I meanus.” He just stares at me, and I groan, embarrassment seeping into my very bones.
He’s going to make me say it.
“What are we? How do you actually feel about me?” I blurt, the words running together as I race through the questions. Realization dawns on Eth’tak’s face, followed by another emotion I can’t quite place as a heavy, awkward silence hangs between us.
“I-” he starts before stopping again. Eth’tak’s eyes drop from mine to linger on the floor between his feet, and I feel a distance open up between us that was never there before as my heart plummets.
Familiar shame and anger rise in my chest, and I immediately regret opening my mouth. Does he really not know how he feels about me? Why does no one seem capable of having an honest conversation?
“You?” I prompt, irritation seeping into my voice. Eth’tak shifts uncomfortably under the weight of my gaze, seeming to weigh his words carefully. After a long moment, he speaks again.
“We’re friends,” Eth’tak says, the finality of his words hanging between us as he refuses to meet my eyes.
“Friends?” I parrot, losing my grip on my carefully constructed facade. Eth’tak finally looks up at me, panic on his face at my increasingly shrill voice. Even his alarmed reaction doesn’t soothe the dark fire rolling under my skin as I barrel forward, completely letting go of any calm I had moments before.
“After everything that’s happened, the way we act with one another, thenights we’ve spent together, you’d say that we’re just friends?!” I demand, leaping to my feet. Eth’tak flinches, shifting again.
“Friends spend time together,” Eth’tak mumbles, looking at me briefly before scanning the rest of the room, his eyes lingering on the exits as if to run away.
Why does everyone want to get away from me?
“I know what a friend is!” I snap. “Ulsrath and I are friends, but you and I-”
Before I can finish my sentence, Eth’tak is on his feet, anger and disgust twisting his face as he looms above me. “Donotcompare me to that lowly, sniveling demon,” he bites. Rage sweeps through me at the insult.
“You know what? You’re right- you’re nothing like Ulsrath,” I retort, my cheeks flushing with anger. “Ulsrath actually gives a shit about me!”