Her voice snaps marginally. “Why do you want that? Why are you helping me at all? What is it you feel for me, Tolmond, because you never tell me what it is you want from me or why.”
I love you.
I love you and I want to give you the whole world.
The words are lodged in my throat, and I just stare at her wide eyed, uncertain of what to do. I can’t tell her I want her when she isn’t mine to want. I can’t tell her she belongs to the King when I don’t know what he wants to do with her and she’ll only grow angrier when I don’t have answers.
So, I stand there, mouth agape and uncertain what to say.
And out of all the things I could have done, I think this was the worst.
Piper grits her teeth, and I can feel her magic stirring beneath her skin. As she’s grown stronger, it answers to her emotions just as mine does. “Fine. Don’t tell me, but stop acting like you do this because you care for me. You see me as some kind of pet project and it’s sick!”
She turns, storming off into her room, and when the door slams shut, her sharp scream rings through the air. A small part of me knows I should check on her and at least show her how to cool her magic in such a circumstance.
But my emotions are flaring too, and I turn, climbing up to my study as I originally intended. With every step, her words echo in my ears, and I only grow angrier until I am fuming when I finally make it to my study.
The door flies shut behind me, splintering around the edges with the force of it, and I let out a roar that I’ve been holding back. My magic swirls in the air, and I let it pour out of me, dousing the lights and ripping through some of the furniture as it tries to expel enough energy.
It’s not enough, though, and I grab the shelf closest to me, throwing it and watching as my books fly off it. The shelf splinters, the collectibles break, and the books rip, but instead of feeling upset, it quells the raging fire inside of me.
I grab the next thing near me, a table, and throw it straight through the window across from me. The shattering glass makes me grin, and in a rampage, I keep going.
I’m not even processing what my hands are grabbing. I’m just feeding off every rip and shatter until there is nothing left to wreck. I’m sure later I will be annoyed when I have to hunt down new books and other materials for my classes, but right now, I don’t care.
I just need a release, and when I’ve finally expelled everything I have, I fall to my knees among the mess. My head falls in my hands, and with the anger finally burned out, hopelessness sweeps in.
Oh, fuck. What am I going to do?
23
Piper
White hot tears burn my eyes as I fly down the hallway, heartbreak and shame pushing me faster and faster. The paintings and tapestries adorning the hall walls blur past me, and I stifle a sob, unwilling to let my vulnerability show through where someone might see me.
I thought when I’d asked Tolmond how he really felt, it was going to be a new beginning for us. I’d stupidly,stupidlythought that maybe he loved me too, or at least if he didn’t love me, that he would’ve admitted to caring about me.
All of the nights we’ve spent together, all of the tender moments, sweet kisses, nights of passion, and peals of laughter we’ve shared roar through my head as my feet pound against the floor, carrying me to my room.
The second I cross the threshold, I slam the door shut behind me, pressing my back to it tightly as the first sob breaks through my lips. The tears are flowing hot and fast now, and I strain my ears, listening hard through my shuddering breaths for any sign that Tolmond is following me.
Of course he isn’t following you,a bitter voice snipes from deep within me.If he cared about you, he would’ve said so.I think back to the last time I ran away from Tolmond crying- he’d followed me to my room, held me and comforted me. It had been the beginning of what I thought was something that would last forever, and it was the first time we shared a bed. There’s nothing but cold silence in the hall behind me this time.
Another sob shakes me, and I slide to the ground, suddenly too weary to stay on my own two feet. I don’t know why I thought Ti’lith would be all that different from Camp Life. Everything here seemed too good to be true, and it was.
A sudden burst of rage sweeps through me. Why would Tolmond have me brought here if he didn’t actually want me? Was I only meant to be used and discarded like some sick little plaything?
I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think I’d finally found my place in this world, to think that I could make a home among demons. Of course he never really wanted me, why would he? I’m a fragile human girl, and the fact that I have chaos magic doesn’t change that.
Nobody’s ever wanted me.
I lose myself in the torrent in my mind, letting self-pity drag me under as I cry against the door frame. This floating continent had seemed so different from the rest of Protheka and Camp Life when I’d first arrived.
It wasn’t just the red earth, or the strange plants and intimidating buildings- a part of me seemed to sing that this was my home, seemed to recognize this place as being somewhere I might finally belong.
As scary as everything seemed when I first arrived, there was always some bit of me that felt safe here. No one ever raised a hand to me or treated me like I was somehow less-than. Nobody shied away from me in public or treated me like I was some walking curse.
I’d thought my days of tears were over. After all of the pain and loss in my life, I was finally starting to see a future. I was beginning to master my magic, I’d found a dear friend in Ulsrath, and both Tolmond and Eth’tak seemed to truly care for me.