“He’s not, though. Not really.” As if I need make that clear.
Theo shakes his head and closes the remaining distance between us. His thumb presses into my bottom lip while his fingers gently lift my chin. My mouth parts with a quiet gasp. I can feel my nipples harden against my swimsuit.
“I watched you swim last time,” he says, and my mouth contorts into a slight frown.
“Why?” I cry. I’m embarrassed. More than that, I’m a little ashamed. “You shouldn’t have watched.”
His thumb runs across my lips.
“I was afraid to leave you alone.” He swallows hard. His eyes probe mine, and the mortification I felt a second ago fuses with a new drug making its way through my body. My chest grows warm, my stomach echoing with my beating heart. It’s as if he’s given me a dose of dopamine.
“Why?” I utter.
On the surface, I know why. Because he saved me once. And even if I don’t accept that I needed him to, the reality is I probably did. I don’t think I would have blacked out and drowned. I can’t say I would have gotten in the pool ever again, though. And my next move probably would have been to the enrollment office to demand a withdrawal. I would have quit—everything. I would have crawled back to a family that doesn’t really want me in it, to a life that would lead to average and unfulfilling. And the damage in my heart would only gather more scars until the burden was so heavy it would turn me into a copy of the girl I was supposed to be. And pieces would be missing.
“I don’t know what to do about the way I feel,” he repeats. His gaze caresses my mouth and cheeks, my nose, my eyes. His thumb moves along my jawline, making room for his other hand so he can cradle my face in his palms.
“But you feel . . . something,” I croak.
He nods and his eyes close as his forehead falls forward to rest on mine. My hands quake at my sides and I flex my fingers to wake them from shock before grabbing hold of his wrists. I do it partly to anchor myself, but also maybe a bit to hold him still—to keep him from leaving.
His lashes tickle against my own, and the sensation coaxes my lips to curl until my smile brushes against his. With a tiny shift of his head, his bottom lip brushes against mine. Every nerve in my face is going wild. I feel nothing and everything all at once. And then his lip passes over mine again, this time his mouth stopping long enough to nip at my bottom lip.
“I feel like I need to kiss you,” he whispers against me.
“Aren’t you?” I whisper in nervous laughter. He nuzzles his nose to mine.
“I want you tofeelit.” He nips at my bottom lip again, first with his own lips, then with his teeth. The razor’s edge is initially a graze, then his teeth hold on tighter, pulling my lip into his mouth as he suckles. His tongue passes over my mouth, and my nerves lessen enough that I taste him, too.
I don’t want to interrupt to tell him I’ve felt everything all along, from the moment his eyes hit me and leveled me with the truth. From the moment we ran into each other on move-in day. And every time he tried to push me away—to hate me. Whether it’s our pain, Anika’s felt presence, or a million other things, something in each of us completes the other. When I’m with him, even when we’re fighting, I am whole.
Lifting myself up on the tips of my toes, I step into him to deepen our kiss. My hands slide down his arms until my fingers cling to the sides of his shirt, gathering the sweat-damp material into my fists. We kiss as if our bodies need the touch to survive, as if it gives us oxygen and life. And when we finally part, breaths ragged, I feel like the girl who jumped into that dark river without hesitation. I feel mighty, and strong.
I tug on his shirt where my hand still holds on tight.
“Stay. While I swim. I want you to stay.” I look up into his eyes and he runs his thumb along my cheek.
“I was never planning on leaving.”
I step up to kiss him once more, my lips pressing to his out of gratitude, out of relief. I feel like this seal that’s been binding us has finally been broken.
When I break away, I don’t bother with my routine. My earplugs fell away the moment I exchanged them for a better hold on Theo. And if I spend time looking for them, I’ll grow cold—scared.
Theo backs off a few feet and crosses his arms over his chest, giving me a nod. I smile faintly and turn my attention to the water, scooting to the edge, my toes on the precipice. If I’m going to do this, I need to be able to dive in head first. Bending down, I tap my fingertips on my toes and bend my knees slightly. Before my mind has a chance to catch up to my actions and fill my body with doubt, I slip in like an arrow, and by the time my fingers touch the other side, I’m crying.
Chapter16
Theo
Iwalked her to her room. Not simply to her dorm, but all the way up the damn stairs. To. Her. Room.
And then I heard her roommates on the other side of the door.
I left.
Maybe she could excuse that. Panic in the moment. This all happening so fast, beingreal.It’s the truth, but that’s not why I ran. I bolted because of the exact words I said.
I don’t know what to do about the way I feel.