I spent a lot of time dressing and making sure I looked my best … this was make-or-break and I wanted to look good either way. Edgar didn’t offer to send a car or his driver for me as he had done in the past, so I took the train – this BAFTA actress can’t afford to throw too much money away on taxi fares, myWyldegirl payment hadn’t come through yet! I watched people around me, it was so bizarre that everyone else looked normal. Are they dealing with stuff too and you can’t tell or was everyone else happy and had their life in order? My stomach was churning with the stress and I felt a little weak. I saw fellow passengers glancing at me and looking away, not sure if I wasthatgirl. After all, would she be taking public transport? I got off at the station near Edgar’s apartment and walked the short distance.
Let’s get this over with; I don’t want to be this person – all the time with the thinking. Even when I promise I’m not going to think about it anymore, I’m thinking about it. I greeted the doorman and went upstairs. I still had my access keys, but I didn’t let myself into his apartment, I knocked and waited.
Deep breath … I was ridiculously nervous.
The door swung open and I knew as soon as our eyes met that his pride had got the better of him. There was no warmth there towards me. Heath would have grabbed me and forgiven me for anything and everything. Edgar was like ice.
‘Cathy, come in,’ he said and walked away leaving me to close the door. He looked like he hadn’t suffered at all these past ten days. He looked calm and rested; expensive. ‘Would you like a drink?’ he asked, picking up his glass of scotch – his favourite poison.
‘No, I’m fine, thank you.’
He sat on the couch and I sat opposite. It was crazy, like an audition. So I rose and came over and sat beside him, turning to face him. The muscles of his countenance tightened; I can only imagine the conversations that he and Isabella had shared about Heath and me since the award night.
I took a deep breath. ‘Edgar, what’s going on?’ I asked, and studied him. ‘You know that was all Heath’s doing. You know in your heart of hearts that I have been nothing but loyal to you.’
He was frosty, there was a distinct wall between us. I always thought that we were like safe ships in the harbour, attracted to each other because it was easy. There was never the passion I had with Heath, but Edgar and I got on and we laughed, loved and were comfortable. I was impressed by him and respected him. Is that so bad?
He cleared his throat. ‘It’s not what you have done Cathy, it is what you haven’t done,’ he said, his chin up, his fingers tapping the side of his glass with arrogance and impatience. ‘When we were having breakfast the morning after our engagement and I asked you to sell Wuthering Heights, you wouldn’t even consider it. You intended to maintain that connection with Heath forever.’
I laughed, surprised. ‘Edgar, that is my family home. Besides, your sister was engaged to Heath. I think the connection was going to continue regardless of what I did. He was going to be your family, your brother-in-law.’
‘I would have disowned her if she did marry him,’ he said. ‘I just expected it to fall apart before I had to advise her of my intentions.’
I think my mouth fell open. ‘What? But she loved him?’
He shrugged. ‘Well that problem is gone, isn’t it? Except for your connection. While you share Wuthering Heights with him, and while you are in my life, so by default is he,’ he said, so haughtily.
I could hear Heath in my head calling Edgar a privileged twat.Leave me alone Heath.
I waited for a beat, thinking. If he could disown his sister, the closest relative he had in the world, he would have no problem replacing me. I confess I was thrown; I had placed such faith in Edgar’s stable love that I was delusional.
Edgar continued.‘Loyalty is everything to me, Cathy. I love you, and the woman I marry I will love for life. There will be no one else. I don’t ask for much in return,’ he said.
‘But you are asking me to do something I don’t want to do – to give up Wuthering Heights … something that is part of who I am as much as you will be part of my future.’
He swallowed and thought about my words.
I kept going. ‘I find it so odd that you of all people, Edgar, would be so insecure about a man you believe is beneath you. A man you called if I remember correctly … a miserable, degraded character. You could, of course, think of it as winning, that Heath had lost me to you – you are the victor.’
He scoffed. Clearly he had considered that argument but perhaps thought he was the prize, not me.
I sighed.‘Edgar, just because he wasn’t ready to do a film when you offered him the part, is not a slight on you. Heath is worthy of anyone’s regard. Couldn’t you have tried to be a friend, tried to like him?’ I asked.
Edgar’s voice rose. ‘I welcomed him at my home, I offered him a drink. His replies were nothing more than a grunt. You brought him into my life, our life, Cathy. You can take him out of it again.’
His face said there was no compromise; he needed me to sell Wuthering Heights as a show of loyalty and if I did, we would be fine, we would go on.
Edgar strode to the table and refilled his glass.
‘Heath knew that what he was saying at the award night was disrespectful to me and you, and humiliating to my sister,’ Edgar snapped.
I had to concede he had a point there. ‘Yes. But I had no control over that, and I did warn your sister about him,’ I reminded Edgar.
He nodded, granting me that small concession.
‘Regardless, Cathy, I’ve given this a lot of thought over the past week and that is the only way I can go forward in this relationship. The choice is yours,’ Edgar finished.
That was it—he had found my Achille’s heel—the weakness that would lead to our downfall – my home, my vulnerability. There seemed little point in continuing this talk; everything had changed and we couldn’t get back to being good together. He had been publicly, even nationally humiliated by someone he considered not worthy and, in his mind, I had allowed it.