He glanced at my bag, sorely tempted I imagine but did not move. This should have been one of the happiest days of my life but it was spoiled by both of these men, by their petty jealousy, egos, and hatred of each other.
‘You forget,’ I said, ‘that despite all this, he is family. I’ve grown up with Heath, he is my stepbrother. That’s why he feels the loss so keenly. He is the only family I have left and I am the same to him. I am denying us both any contact because it is easier that way, and because I am with you.’ I put extra emphasis on the last four words.
He shook his head.
‘Make a choice and choose which one of us it will be,’ he said as if I had not spoken at all or he disregarded my words as inadequate.
I was angry now. If he didn’t trust me, what difference would it make for me to choose him?
I moved to the couch, slipped on my shoes, and my coat and grabbed my bag. I turned back to Edgar. ‘Well, if I cannot keep Heath for my family and if you persist in being unfairly mean and jealous when I have done nothing to break your heart, then I shall have neither of you and break my own heart,’ I said.
I went to the door but he did not call me back or try to stop me. He let me walk away.
Chapter 39– The Screen Test
Heath did not contact me which was to be expected. He had declared his love on a public stage. The next move was mine and I was in limbo. It was ten whole days after the award night before Edgar contacted me and wanted to talk. Ten days! He didn’t apologise but said he might have “been harsh in the passion of the moment”. Uh-huh, you think? But those ten days of torment and self-analysis gave me perspective.
My BAFTA got me through – it gave me strength and confidence, and belief in myself. I had never had that before and I kept busy to minimise the pain. The first few days every time the phone rang or a message alert came, I grabbed it with hopeful expectation that it was Edgar wanting to reconcile. I sent him messages and called, asking to talk with him … I couldn’t just leave us hanging like that.
Were we together? Did we have a future or was it over? I found not having the closure hard to manage. I wanted to hear the words that we were done, or make that decision myself after speaking with him. But by the time he made contact ten days later, my pain levels had started to diminish, I was angry, I was over the drama. I was sick of looking like a tortured soul. My head and heart were out of the‘please-call-me-and-want-me’stageand I was beginning the‘I-loved-him-once’and‘he-never-even-said-goodbye-the-bastard’phase.
But I couldn’t help thinking this was my reckoning – I was being punished for past mistakes. For a while I thought I deserved this pain; that I had put this whole cycle in motion and betrayed my own heart when I first denied myself Heath. I had been given a great love, more than most people ever experienced and I threw that away, dismissed Heath for a more handsome face, a different flavour. Then I sailed along, taking Edgar for granted.
But I knew that wasn’t quite true. I deserved the punishment for Heath but I can honestly say in all good consciousness that I never betrayed Edgar. I consulted him on theWyldegirl commercial and I never encouraged Heath.
I gave Edgar my heart and he took it and pinched it to death; and flung it back at me. So, I dusted it off and put it back in place, straightened up and carried on. And then he called.
*****
When Nelly arrived home, I was in the kitchen doing my make-up because the light in there was better than anywhere else in the house. She dropped her bag on a chair, flicked on the kettle and offered me a mug of tea which I turned down.
‘You’re really going to meet with him?’ Nelly asked, incredulously. She had just returned from seeing our agent, Jaz, and brought home the news that myWyldeperfume commercial was releasing this weekend.
‘Oh goody,’ I said with a groan, and then I couldn’t help but laugh. ‘Why not? Heath and I running around the moors clutching each other. Let’s just put more fuel on the fire.’
Nelly grinned. ‘The agency director must be wetting himself with delight – they couldn’t buy this kind of publicity. Anyway, don’t avoid the question. It’s taken Edgar ten days to call you and then he beckons and you run over. What the—'
‘—because there is no pride in love,’ I interrupted her.
‘Oh wow, that’s good. Is that a Catherine original?’ she asked, pulling her teabag out of the cup, and taking a seat to watch me in action.
‘No, Mum used to say it all the time. It is good though.’
‘Mm,’ she agreed. ‘I must use that. Do you think you will reconcile? Do you want to?’
I finished applying my mascara and then looked over at her. I was strong most of the time but when I thought about Edgar and I never being together again, never making love or being in each other’s arms afterwards, I felt raw. I couldn’t imagine not going to his place or sneaking out to restaurants together. I wish my partners didn’t have profiles so I wouldn’t hear about them or see them in my circle … there’s no escaping the hurt. Nelly was lucky that her guy was ‘normal’. I loved Edgar. I loved Heath. I hated them both at the moment.
I answered Nelly. ‘It would be easy to go back to him, especially if he missed me and was happy to see me.’ I bit my lip momentarily as I thought. ‘He was humiliated by it all; he probably didn’t know how to handle it. Besides, I would love to ease the pain,’ I said, and subconsciously rubbed my heart.
She nodded. ‘I get that.’
‘Anyway, I agreed to meet with him; I owe him that much. We love each other, we’re engaged.’
‘If you need me to meet you there or somewhere afterwards, call me,’ Nelly offered.
I rose and leant down to give her a quick grateful hug and then I went to get changed.
*****