I sank to my knees and looked out. There was no one in the garden, no one on the long driveway and no one in the tree outside the window. There was a light on somewhere in one of the other apartments, I could see it glowing and reflecting on the small pool of water nearby. Eventually, I rose and closed the window, resting my forehead on the cold glass.
It was a dream. Oh, Heath, what if you were right? What if this was the beginning of our end?
Chapter 8– My brilliant career
Four weeks later …
If I had learnt anything from Heath during our years together and my time doing our acting degree, it was the importance of immersion into the character. I’m a crack whore who would say anything to get my next supply – don’t panic, I haven’t become that … it was my part. I’d been called back for a second audition which was super brilliant. It had been an amazing four weeks and if you believed that fortune favoured the brave, then mine and Nelly’s London risk might just have been worth it.
Except when it came to Heath. He’d barely had time to take my calls or talk with me. He said he was full-on with rehearsals and he was giving me the space to get on my feet. I’d seen his leading lady; I can’t help but wonder how busy he really was and how much was my insecurity taking over. It nags away at me; it gnaws at me. In my happiest moments, there was this constant pain tugging at my heart—Heath—the pain of separation and missing him and worrying about him. I was still not sure I was doing the right thing, but I was doing it nevertheless.
On the bright side, everything was going to plan. Nelly and I loved our place. On our first night living together, Nelly squealed, yes squealed, and she grabbed my hands.
‘This is so exciting,’ she said, her hazel eyes huge with enthusiasm.
‘I know, so exciting,’ I agreed, thinking that part of me should have been there but was missing. We danced around our new apartment for a few minutes thinking about how cool we were. It was called an art deco pad but that sounded cooler than the reality of our digs. It was old and had some interesting ceilings and a bit of stained glass in the windows. The bathroom and kitchen were updated in the nineties so weren’t too bad, but the best part was that because it was an older apartment it was bigger than the new ones. We had a little balcony as well – lovely!
We were constantly cold calling, dropping in our CVs to agents, finding out the places to hang out so we could make the right networks, whatever it took. Heath sent me through a list of agents he had conned from an actor friend which was good of him. But the email was so formal it took the shine off the find. I rang him to thank him and didn’t expect him to answer but he did. It was awkward.
‘Hey, how are you?’ I asked, surprised to hear his voice.
‘Yeah, good, and you?’ he said, in a rushed voice like I was holding him up from his life.
‘Good, okay, well you know. I, um, rang to thank you for the agents’ list, really appreciate it,’ I said, sounding like it was a first date conversation.What the …?
‘Sure no problem,’ he said, ‘I’m sure you’ll get picked up.’
‘Thanks. God, I hope so.’
Silence. Fuck.
‘All good with you?’ I stumbled on.
‘Yep, busy, you know how it is in the pre-production phase before opening. Anyway, I’ve got to go, so thanks for the call and take care there,’ he said.
‘And you,’ I said, but the line was dead before I had finished. He was punishing me.
For a while, I fell into a deep dark hole of self-pity. Was it the end? Was he right, were we best just to call it off and see what pans out? Was I crazy and should I just rush back to him?
I did my best not to think about it all the time – that didn’t work, and to ‘stay up’ for Nelly, and she did her best not to ask me too many questions about Heath. I was stalking Heath online but he had zilch social media presence. Thank God other members of the production company, especially Lockwood, posted photos and I got to see Heath at rehearsals.
Back at the kitchen table working on our laptops, Nelly and I had been tweaking our CVs to try and meet the jobs on the market. She sighed and stood to make us both a cup of tea.
‘Believe it or not my CV is looking okay,’ I told her.
‘I’d believe that – star of stage and screen,’ she teased me.
I laughed. ‘If you don’t look at it too closely, the lead in theWyldecommercial, along with roles in at least one dozen professional plays, several in the West End, and a solid selection of good reviews makes me look serious about my craft. By the time I finish putting some spin on it, I’m bound to get work, I’ve impressed the hell out of me!’ I joked.
‘You go girl. What’s the footage from?’ she asked over my shoulder.
‘Me playing Joan of Arc and just a few grabs from other roles. It’s not the best quality, but you get the picture,’ I said with a shrug.‘B-grade movies here I come.’
But it worked; I had three agents who had agreed to meet with me – I just needed to convince one to take me on. In the meantime, Nelly and I had registered online with a platform connecting actors and producers and I secured a call-back for a small part in a film to be shot in London – the audition for the crack whore. Given the lack of sleep I was having at the moment worrying about Heath and our future, I didn’t need a lot of eye make-up to look wasted! I was perfect for the part – sad but true.
I got a call back for 4pm; it was a long day thinking about it … I just wanted to get it over with. At my first audition, only the casting director and one of the producers were present, but when I got there this time, there were a few more people in the audience. There was this room at the back with darkened glass … you know like you see in the cop shows when they were interrogating someone and I think the director might have been in there. I was watching from the side of the stage as the auditions were going on; the casting director kept subtly glancing up that way when she was impressed with someone’s audition. Well, I was impressed with them, so I’m gathering that was what she was thinking too.
The casting for gang members was before my audition and I would have enjoyed watching them if I hadn’t been so freaked out about my audition. Then they called for the whore and pimps. My life was so glamorous. They were re-auditioning three of us in each role and partnered us up together. My pimp was pretty hot actually – a slim, black guy with a hoodie and the cutest smile you’ve ever seen. He introduced himself as Kyle Hughes. It would be interesting watching him turn nasty. We were on next.