He pulls me against him, and my face nestles into his suit jacket. The air between us is tight. With grief, with anger. His arms band around me like steel.
We don’t live in a safe world, but his resolve reminds me there are people who care about us. That we live in a world worth fighting for.
When we get to my hotel, I don’t move for a long time.
“You can’t come upstairs,” I whisper, his lapel scratching my lips.
His chest rises and falls rhythmically under my face. “Because of what happened tonight or because you don’t want me there?”
I pull back to look up at him through damp eyes. “Both.”
If we go up to that room together, it won’t only be sex.
It’ll be therapy.
No, church.
We’ll burn one another down to nothing and roll in the ashes before getting up tomorrow and putting clothes on whatever shambles of form remain. And I can’t risk that with him. We both have our own priorities, and they’re already dangerously intertwined.
“You deserve love, Harrison. No matter what your parents did, no matter what you did. I wish I could convince you of that, but you need to convince yourself. You deserve to be happy.”
“Just not with you.”
Fuck, that’s unfair. But he’s trying to push me away. I can see him now. He hides behind his own walls. Mine are high and protective. His are armored with barbs.
“You walked away from me. I loved you. I wanted to spend every day with you. Every damned hour. When you left, it broke me.”
My gaze falls to the crown inked on my wrist. “I wanted to remind myself of your confidence, your belief in me. You taught me that loving is worthwhile, even when you don’t get it back. That you can be the person you want to be, even when no one’s looking. Especially when no one’s looking. I will never forget that.”
His jaw works, his firm mouth parting in frustration. “I want you, Raegan. If I could tell you how many nights I’ve lain awake wanting you…But I don’t want to see you hurt anymore. I’ve caused you enough pain. If you ask me to stop, I’ll do it.”
I stare at him. He doesn’t take no for an answer from anyone, merely finds another way to get what he wants. But the expression on his face is earnest.
Mischa needs to be brought down. Tonight, I understand better than ever why this matters to Harrison, why it’s so personal he can’t let it go.
But letting him break my heart twice would be foolish and might ruin me.
I shift across his lap and grip the door handle. “Yes. Stop.”
I’m out of the car before I can take it back.