Hayes glanced over at me. “Give yourself a little grace, you’ve been through a lot.”
I picked at the tab on my can. “I don’t want my issues to ruin what Hadley and I have.”
“And you’re worried they will?”
“I’ll never like that she throws herself off cliffs and rides hell-bent for leather down a mountain. It scares the hell out of me.”
Hayes halted his rocking. “Because you love her. It scares the snot out of me when Everly gets in the ring with a skittish horse. I see a million ways she could get hurt or worse. It’s ridiculous to think you won’t fear, but you have to let her do what makes her happy anyway. Celebrate it. Hell, do it with her and make sure she’s as safe as possible. Just don’t clip her wings.”
“I’ve tried not to, but maybe I haven’t done as good of a job as I should’ve.”
He started rocking again and raised his can to me. “Like I said, grace. You guys are new, still finding your way. You’ll get there.”
I hoped he was right because I couldn’t imagine life without Hadley’s fire.
42
Hadley
As I headedout of town, I didn’t opt for the music typically pumping through my speakers. I didn’t want to lose myself in lyrics and melody. I wanted to sink into everything I was feeling. For the first time, I wanted to face it. All of the hurt and doubt. The pain and second-guessing.
I rolled down my windows, the air flowing in and lifting my hair around me. It felt like a warm blanket, the perfect temperature and weight. The scent as comforting as an old friend, the kind who knew all your secrets.
Yet even with the smell of pine and the warm caress of the breeze, my chest ached. There was no solution. None that I could see, anyway. And I’d been looking for seventeen years. Ever since Shiloh had been returned to us, and my mother had started seeing monsters everywhere. I’d been looking for a way to break free without hurting anyone.
It was impossible. I either broke my mother’s heart or slowly starved myself to death. I’d tried for short periods. Times when I stayed carefully between the lines my mom had drawn. I hadn’t asked for trips to town with my friends or sleepovers away from home. I’d answered every call and text within thirty seconds. I’d stayed home instead of exploring the land around our ranch. And, within days, I’d wanted to crawl out of my skin.
It always began as an itch just below the surface. Soon, I’d be pacing my room and dying to get out. I’d tried everything I could think of. Running sprints, jumping rope, helping the ranch hands throw hay to the horses. Nothing helped.
Not until I found that adrenaline high. Not until Calder had shown me how to release all that pent-up energy into the ether. I remembered one of the first times Calder had taken me down a mountain on our bikes.
It had been drizzling when we started. By the time we were halfway down the mountain, it was pouring. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. All of the anxiety I’d been consumed with flew away on the breeze. It had felt as if we were chasing the rain itself. There was no space for worry, fear, or frustration. There was only us, the mountain, and the rain.
I’d wanted more, and Calder had given it to me. Sometimes, Hayes came with us. Other times, it was only Calder and me. I had fallen in love with him one mountain at a time. From snowcapped summits to the cliffside plunges. One ride after another had carved him into my heart.
But I’d found myself on those mountains, too. I’d learned to trust my instincts, to test the boundaries of my control. I’d learned to work hard and see just how far I could push my body. I’d gained a confidence I’d so severely lacked from being kept so close to home.
I couldn’t give that up. Not for my mother. Not even for Calder.
The thought had a sharp pain lighting along my sternum. I’d seen his face when my mother had told him what he was risking by being with me. I’d seen pain and worry.
I didn’t want to be the one responsible for putting it there, but I couldn’t become half a person to save him from it. It would slowly kill me, and I would take that pain out on him. Tears stung the backs of my eyes as I tried to see a path through. I could barely see the first steps, let alone into the distance.
I turned off onto one of the roads that curved around the mountains. I hoped a ride and the sights would give me some clarity. Restore some of my faith. I’d take anything right about now.
As my SUV climbed higher, another vehicle appeared behind me. The dark truck wasn’t one I recognized, and it was going far too fast for these windy roads. I tapped on my brakes, signaling for them to slow down. Whoever was behind the wheel didn’t get the message, only accelerated.
“Hell,” I muttered. I’d responded to too many calls of idiots who thought they were speed-racers on these back roads. Many of them hadn’t made it out alive.
As the road flattened out a bit, I moved to the side, giving the person behind me room to pass. Instead of veering around me, they slammed into my bumper.
My head snapped forward, chin hitting my chest as my teeth clacked together. The impact left my ears ringing. As my vision cleared, I saw the truck reversing. They aimed for me again. As the vehicle shot forward, I pressed on the accelerator.
I moved out of the way, just in time for the truck to miss me, but they were hot on my heels. My heart hammered against my ribs as nausea rolled through me. I tried to picture the rest of this road in my mind. It curved around the side of the mountains and eventually spilled back out onto the two-lane highway. But there were what seemed like an infinite number of hairpin turns and steep drop-offs before then.
I sent my SUV to a higher speed. The only thing I had going for me was that the truck was larger than my sport-utility. Maybe one of the turns would have them spinning out.
I hit the button on my wheel for my hands-free phone. “Call Calder.”