That day rushed back like a tidal wave slamming into the shoreline. The music faded from my senses as TAPS instead rang out louder in my head. Grief. So much of it.
The gunshots. Twenty-one of them.
My anguish raged deep inside me as I stood century, watched over all the grieving members before me. I was unable to release it, in yet I couldn’t staunch the flow of obscure misery and problematic thoughts swirling in my mind.
I clenched my jaw and expelled an agonizing,“fuck.”
Lili placed her hand over the clenched fist I had on the center council.
“I’m here, Alexander.” Her voice is solid, giving me strength, “Take as much time as ye need. Hank and I are here.”
Her touch. That is what I needed. I don’t have to come back here if I do not want to. I do not have to get out of this truck.
Jaw set tight, I ground my teeth so she couldn’t view my breakdown, although I know better, Lili can see right through my ruse, and it has this rough and tough Marine howling in sorrow.
The barrage of bullets and explosions sound in my memories, and I wonder if I’m going to implode from the impact.
“I can’t take it! It’s too much!” I squeeze my eyes shut and expel the tears waiting there.
In the next instant Lili is unbuckled and swinging herself onto my lap, wrapping her body around mine and whispering sweet assertions. I cling to her like a lifeline, holding her a little too tightly.
“Yer okay, yer okay. I’m here, Alexander.” Lili rakes a hand through my hair, “let it out. I will take yer troubles, give them to me, right now. Allow me to bear the burden for ye.”
I fight the battle, wanting nothing more than to be cowardly and run away from this.
“I don’t know if I can do this.” My voice is pathetic as I sob into her chest.
“Ye can. Give it a wee bit. We can sit here for however long ye need.” She begins singing our song softly under her breath knowing how to bring me back to the present.
Hank nudged my shoulder from the backseat then came up and licked my face needing to check on his owner and lend his own comfort.My pup is my secret keeper, the teller of none.
It took me the better part of ten minutes to get under control, by that time I knew I was in a better mindset. I’m meant to be here today. Owen deserves to be respected.
Still no rain fell, at least for now.
Stepping out of the truck the cool air hits me, sending a shiver racing through my heated and already taxed body. Lili came around with Hank on the leash, even he seemed somber today, his usual jovial cheeriness is muted. He knows; dogs can sense whatever we humans are going through, it’s why I have him.
Hank is my best friend.
We strode hand and hand up the path with Hank sniffing curiously in front of us. No one else seems to be here until I spot a tiny woman in her early twenties watching as a mini version of herself runs around the headstones. When we make our way to them the woman turns and immediately her brown eyes lock with mine.
“Is that you, Zander?” Her voice is tinged with a hint of the South, her dark sun-kissed complexion is free of makeup, and her long curly reddish-brown hair blows freely in the breeze. Three years is too long.
I clear my throat and take a deep breath, “hey Natasha, it’s been a long time.” Her daughter comes over to her side then, eyes wide over seeing Hank.
Lili offers her hand to Natasha, then pulls her in for a hug, something Lili doesn’t do often. These two were collaborating this morning over a secret phone call and many text messages. Not sure what all it pertained to, and I have no plans to ask. Whatever it is, Lili will fill me in eventually. Ellie tugs at her mommy’s navy-blue dress. Natasha bends down so she’s eye-level with her daughter.
“Mommy, can I pet Hank?” She asks, so small and dare I say, looking so much like her father now that I can see her better. Her baby-faced smile she sent my way is exactly how his was, no one could stay in a bad mood with Owen’s smile around, “Uncle Zander, pleeeease.”
I relax just a bit at her forwardness and couldn’t help my smile broadening at the sound of‘uncle’coming from her, “of course. He loves to play with kids.”
Lili tells Natasha she will take Ellie and Hank for a little walk, just far enough to give us some privacy. I watch as my lifeline strides away and I so desperately want to drag her back to my side.
Be strong.
It’s Natasha’s turn to pull me into her embrace, her tight hold surprising me.
“It’s good to see you,” she pulls back and shifts her hair away from her face, “I owe so much to the man standing before me. Thank you, Zander, for everything.” Her tone isn’t sorrowful, no tears form in her eyes like I thought there would be, instead, a smile forms. This twenty-two-year-old single mom has been through her own hell and back, acting unbreakable for her daughter.