Sunday.May 14th, 2017.
Three years to the day our lives forever changed.
I am ready to face my reality. Life too, shall go on.
The same mind clearing realization instilled in me during the Marines is now transformed throughout my civilian life. Today we travel to pay our respects to the young man who died too soon.
Since reciting my words to Lili the other day, things have opened up for me, for us, and for all that we encompass.
I am strong because she is.
As I bask in this transition between the darkness and the light, there is always an ebbing and flowing of mysticism that awaits.
While I race towards the bright light and welcome its warmth and rays of positivity, I sense Ford traveling backwards. I need to reach him before he spirals again. If I don’t get to him in time, he will find a way to gain his solace, use and abuse pain pills, mix his concoction with alcohol, give in to the voices that are growing louder.
I’m here, Ford.
Speaking of my gunner, I wanna know why he’s been eyeing my girlfriend these many days.
Should I be worried something is going on with the two of them? Lili isn't one I'd peg to cheat; I trust her completely. Ford on the other hand, well, he is a different story. He likes when woman are unhappy in their marriage apparently. Frickentwat-waffle.
He's being a recluse, attending extra gym sessions, getting back to the house really late or not at all, and keeping his distance. I knew the second something was up when he ceased all contact and flirting with any women that came into bar, instead hiding away in the kitchen, doing his job, and leaving the second he’s off the clock.
That isn’t my gunner; his mask is up, and an ominous cloud lingers. I made it clear I’d kick his ass if I found out he’s been doing shit behind my back. He made his promise and said he has no desire to find pain pills.
How long until that mantra of his changes?
Would my gunner stoop so low as to shoot up on heroine or other mind-numbing drugs? The thought has this Corporal extra vigilant.
I understand where his mind is at during this month; he too harbors guilt he didn’t do more to protect our brother, admitting as much when hitting rock bottom and overdosing the first time around. That mindfuckery can send anyone spiraling out of control and ready to burn it all to the ground.
I’ve been there. It’s the last place I ever want to be.
No longer am I in my own personal hell.
My days such as these are lessening, and I have plans at seeking help through music therapy, thanks to the guidance of my sister and Lili. Not only that, Lili, or rather her Gran’s words have helped me realize the past cannot be changed, we can only look to what we have in front of us, and not all aspects of this journey can be set dwelling in the past.
That is how we get by in life. The name of the game, so to say.
This Marine will keep his eyes and ears more attuned to his men now that his mind is clearer.
Lili, Hank, and I set out to meet Natasha at the cemetery around one; it’s after the rest of the family pay their respects. I needed to take this slow, no need to rush into making amends with everyone all at once.
The sky was gloomy like it was going to rain, a cool front was making its way in for more seasonal late spring weather. Lili dressed the part in a dark blue jumper, as she called it, the sweater making her eyes shine bright against the bleary sky.
She and Tamara were messaging back and forth on matters with the gala; an unsuspecting early donation came through from an anonymous person after a morning broadcast on the news where Lili had an interview to better promote awareness. There was enough sent in from this patron that I would be able to pay for my truck, twenty times over.
It's humbling to know there are others who have the same connections as Lili. She isn’t alone in this fight.
I have not a single doubt in my mind, she is going to go far with her plans, and doing so many beneficial things with the foundation. I will be there to help her in any way, shape, or form that I can. She already knows I cannot draw, so that thankfully is out of the question for me. Even if I cannot draw, there are other ways I can assist, of satisfy.
A little while later we made it to Owen’s hometown, traveling similar streets to what route we took the day we brought him home, his final resting place at the cemetery.
It brought me back to that dastardly day. I pulled up to the gate and slammed the truck in park.
My throat felt tight.I can’t do this. I should turn the truck around right now and go home. I thought I was ready; I am not. *Panic*I’m not, I’m not.
Will I ever be? I swallowed hard. Was I going to be sick? I tried deep breathing but it was all too much, too fast.