“I can’t explain it. He makes me feel in a way no other person has before – it’s damn frightening.” I allow that to hang in the air for a long moment and I can sense her wanting more, “it’s like the collywobbles have invaded every cell of my body.”
Gran met my gaze, “ye’re still lacking in the trust department with him.” Her eyes narrowed declaring it be best not to tell lies.
I shrug, trying to voice my exact thoughts, finding it difficult because I do want to put all my trust in this man.
There I said it.
Something is missing though, something that cannot be put by the wayside and forgotten. Whatever this is, I need Alexander to hear it and allow him to hear whether or not I am singing the same song he is. Will I ever be good enough for this amazing man?
Gran continues tenderly, “dear, we all have secrets, some can be discerned far easier than one would think. Ye were the one to initiate his curiosity by opening the door about Isaac. Alexander wouldn’t have asked Harrison to do what he did if the man didn’t care.”
*Whisper* “I can see that now.” My throat tightens as I voice the thoughts that have plagued me these many days, “but what if one day all too soon he thinks it too much, and he walks away?”
I couldn’t bear the thought. My heart wouldn’t be able to withstand such a blow. I wouldn’t recover.
“Ye’re being too negative.” Gran gave a shake of her head.
“I’m only being realistic.” Voicing this intimidates me.
“No, ye’re thinking too hard; ye need to live in the moment. Talk to him, ask the lad if he feels the same way. I raised ye to be strong, now show me just how bloody strong ye are, Lili. Be yerself.” She smiles and gives one last squeeze of my hand before letting go.
I smile at her because she is right. She isalwaysright. Gran knows best and just what to say to kick me out of my mood.
She picks up her fork, ready to make her last proclamation, “besides, I’m not getting any younger, I’d want time with a great- grandchild before I’m old.”
“Gran.” I sigh heavily.
“I’m not saying right now, but someday.” There is a twinkle in her eye, her positivity shining through, “Ye would make a great mother.” Under her optimism lay a hint of sadness, and I know exactly where her thoughts stray to.
I’d give anything to have a child of my own; the chances of that are slim to none, thanks to my monster.
I bow my head, “One can only hope.”
She takes my hand and squeezes, “Have faith, Lili dear. If it’s meant to be, it will happen.”
I’m aware then what I must do; take off the mask, stop hiding, and be myself.
It’s time I tell Alexander the whole story.
_CHAPTER 8 – ALEXANDER_
“We win by tenderness. We conquer by forgiveness.”
– Frederick William Robertson
_Saturday- Day four without Lili_
Melancholy is all to blame
Now secrets be cast in the light
Ravens cawing their mocking shame
How tempting to give up the fight
My head like a weeping willow
Aiding a deplorable cause