*Agonizing*God! Make it stop!
Ford’s words are a distraction, “Naw, ain’t no ass whoopin’ today. Maybe tomorrow though.” His pause lingers and I can feel him scrutinizing me. There is nothing but fucking pity pouring off him.
Disgusting.
I am pathetic. My head thuds against the wall, a pained breath leaving me as I war with myself.
His tone sobers, “I’m just a brother who knows what this emptiness feels like.” Dread hangs low in the confined space, his voice choking the slightest bit. “I miss Little Bear as well, Zander. Ain’t nothing going to bring him back, certainly not what you’re thinkin’ of doin’. We’d only have more emptiness inside us with you gone, too.”
Does he know how close I am this time to giving in? I don’t think anyone but me understands the severity of that answer.
I open my eyes as we share a silent look. His observation conveys truth, honesty, and his own determination to make sure his friend lives to see tomorrow.
A timid Hank strode in then, head bowed and tail tucked in. He came straight to me, settled in between my legs, making me choose between holding him or the firearm. The pup sniffed my face, his way of checking on me, then he licked my cheek and whimpered, sensing my torment.
I lied. My pup knows the strength of my demons only he will never tell a soul. I set the gun down without thinking too much about it then I cup his face and lean into him, a sob caught in my throat as I run my fingers along his ears.
“It’s alright, buddy. – I’m alright.”I choke on the words to try and reassure them. Hank can sense I’m anything but alright. Ford grunts his silent knowledge of a similar conclusion.
Hank crowds into me seeking his owner’s undivided attention, the same time he’s lending me his comfort. My eyes close and arms wrap tightly around him as I rest my chin on his head, trying my damndest to block out the venom being spewed.
I need guidance, and one can hope I have met my lowest point. Something tells me though, that’s wishful thinking.
“Now, we need to get you ready for battle. What was it our drill sergeant would holler?‘It pays to be a winner!’” Ford sits up, taking the gun and clicking the safety on, “you gotta win to get some of that weight off your back, soldier. Only one way to do it.” I glance at him when his pause lingers. A smirk plays at his lips, “pure determination, Corporal.”
The demons roar their mighty protest, the gun now out of sight.
I lean into Hank and choke out a sob, “I may not make it, Ford.I’m so fucking tired.”
I have nothing left.
“Tomorrow begins a new day, Corporal. Let’s fuckin’ get it.”
*Sigh* “if you say so.”
No way to do this on my own
I ask for help, a way to phone
Silence is all that will be known
Forever soundless and alone
My mask cloaking the misery
A glimpse at my artillery
All are blinded by history
A shadow of contradictory
Remove my mask, what do you find?
Can you sense I’m on the decline?
A storm swirling inside my mind
Now one bullet in the carbine