"You were a virgin, so you bled." He picks up his boxers from the floor sliding them on.
"I'll take a quick shower," I say and wait for him to walk into the living room before looking out of sheer embarrassment. I close the bathroom door behind me and stare at myself in the mirror, unsure what I’m expecting to see in the reflection. I look the same, but sadness is brewing. I take off my bra and step into the hot shower. When I’m done, I dress in pj’s before walking into the living room. He is sitting on the couch in his boxers, drinking a cocktail. I make myself a stiff rum and diet before joining him.
Caleb pulls me closer whispering, "I'm so glad Lena left tonight. We really needed this time together."
I’m unsure how to respond because I don’t feel the same. I smile and curl up under his arm to hide my face.
"Are you okay?" he asks.
"I'm fine. Why?"
"Look at me." He moves and pulls me to sit up.
"Really I'm fine." I look at him, mustering the best smile I can.
"Tell me what's wrong."
My mind scrambles with what I can say that will not ruin tonight completely. "It's just that it hurt. I wasn't expecting that."
As soon as the words are out, I feel a tightness in my throat announcing tears are not far behind. I bite the inside of my cheek, hoping I can hold them back.
“Oh, babe, I’m sorry. I should have warned you about that. I thought you knew. It’s usually only the first time that it hurts like that. After the first time it gets better, and you enjoy it more.” He brings me closer to him, hugging me tightly. I take a couple of deep breaths to calm myself. “Do you still hurt?”
“It’s just an uncomfortable feeling.”
Caleb gets up and heads into my room. He brings me back a couple of pain relievers and hands them to me.
“Take these. They will help.” He sits down, bringing me to snuggle closer with him.
A couple of hours later, I wake as Caleb places me in bed. He kisses my forehead. “Good night, babe.”
“You aren’t staying with me?” I want him to sleep with me. I need him to sleep here with me.
“I thought I would head home. Why? Do you want me to stay?” He asks as his lips pull down.
“Please.” I whisper, not wanting to seem pathetic. He looks at me, smiles, undresses, and climbs into bed with me.
Now awake, I’m unable to sleep, struggling with the feelings and thoughts swirling in my mind. I blame my confusion on all the flirty, steamy novels I have been reading. I was expecting so much more—tenderness, time to get ready, passion, and most of all no doubts. Or maybe I’m not good at this, so he rushed through it. I wish I could talk to him about it, but how much more awkward would that be.
My mind wanders to Ethan and what he is doing. As much as I try not to compare Caleb with Ethan, I can’t stop myself. My feelings for Ethan have grown the more time I’ve spent with him. And as hard as I try to stop myself, I feel like I am pulled to him.Stop. Stop. Stop. Ethan only sees me as a friend, and I need to stop thinking about him as anything else. That is what is screwing with my head and my feelings for Caleb.
I don’t know what time I finally drift to sleep, but I am awoken by small kisses all over my shoulder. This is the gentleness that reminds me why I made my decision last night. I quickly decide not to judge sex on this first experience. I will keep an open mind and shove Ethan out of it.
“Good morning.”
“You’re awake. And here I was wondering how you could sleep through all my kisses,” he teases.
“I just thought if I continued faking sleep, I would continue feeling those kisses and maybe a little more.” I roll over, facing him, and I’m hopeful that my words will help me believe everything is how it should be.
“Well…more kisses you can definitely have, but a little more…that will have to wait.” My self- esteem takes a nosedive wondering if he doesn’t want to because I’m bad in bed. “You need time. It will probably hurt more if we tried again so soon. Not because I don’t want to, but I don’t want you to hurt again this morning.” Relief rushes through me.
* * *
Lena getshome as I’m studying for finals. She is glowing from her night with Preston. I feel a small twinge of jealousy that I don’t have the same feelings.
“I’m guessing you had a great time because it looks like you could float away on a cloud of happiness,” I joke.
She drops her bag in the middle of the living room and plops herself on the couch beside me. She lets out a long sigh.