“Aye, and that’s fine.” I grit my teeth, biting back anything else I might say, until she’s away from the apartment, and I shut the door firmly.
The tide of emotion I’d been holding back comes rushing forward in an instant, and I lean back against the wall, eyes closed tight. It’s been a while since I’ve seen Saoirse, even longer since I’ve talked to her, and longer still since she was in my apartment. I’m not in love with her anymore, not the way I was, but the feelings of hurt and betrayal come rushing back anyway, squeezing my heart like a vise.
The first person I find myself wanting to go to, to talk to, is Isabella. Iknowit’s a fucking bad idea, that I’m only going to make this harder, but my keys are in my hand anyway before I know it, my jacket thrown on as I head out of the door to where my bike’s parked. I need her. That one thought throbs through my mind like a pulse, rattling around inside my skull as I fire up the engine, heading towards downtown and her apartment building.
It’s late, but I don’t think there’s any chance she won’t be happy to see me. She didn’t want me to leave in the first place, I know that much. She didn’t protest, either, when Liam said I’d have a key.
This is supposed to be an opportunity to put space between us.I know that, but the problem is simple.
Deep down, I don’t really want to. If anything, I want to do the opposite.
I want there to not be a single inch of space between us. I want to be so close to her, so deeply inside of her, that we’re all but one flesh. And I’ve done it. I know how fucking good it is.
It feels so fucking impossible to walk away from.
The apartment is quiet when I let myself in. The light is still on in the living room, and I call out her name, feeling a flicker of worry when I get no response. The bed in the master suite is still made up and pristine, and I walk quickly down the hall, feeling my chest tighten.
When I push open the door to the second bedroom, I see her there, curled on her side on the carpet.
I have a moment’s flash of irrational fear before I see that she’s just sleeping, her chest lightly rising and falling in the dim glow of the moonlight coming in through the window. When I crouch down, gently lifting her in my arms, her lashes flutter for a moment as she looks up at me before snuggling into my chest.
“Niall—”
She whispers my name, half-asleep, as I carry her down the hall to her bed. The sight of it makes me ache, and it takes everything in me to do nothing more than lay her down atop it in the middle of the stacked pillows, taking the cashmere throw tossed artfully over the end of the mattress and covering her up.
I’ve never seen anything more beautiful then her. Never wanted anything more.
“Niall.” She whispers my name again as I start to leave, grabbing for my hand. I don’t know what I’d intended to do exactly—sleep on the couch, maybe, or head back to my apartment, like I should. But I let her tug me back to the edge of the bed, give in to it, and the way she looks up at me through half-lidded eyes makes me want to lie next to her, holding her close as we both melt into sleep.
“Stay. Please—stay.”
Her whisper cuts through me, dissolving my intentions to leave a little bit more.
“Please—”
I feel like I’m in a dream of my own as I sink down onto the bed next to her, face to face, her hands curling against my chest as if to hold me closer, the same way she’d pulled me in that first night. The darkness of the room wraps around us, making me feel as if nothing that we might do right now would have consequences in the light of day, that none of it would be real, but I know that’s not true. I’ve made excuses for us every time, and there can’t be any more.
She nestles closer, her forehead very close to mine, the tips of our noses brushing. Her fingers brush against my chest in the v of my shirt, catching on the dark hair there, her thighs pressing against mine. My cock reacts instantly, stiffening in my joggers, aching for her. It would be so easy. A slip of a dress and a pair of sweatpants, clothes so easily moved out of the way.
I don’t move.I can’t make myself leave, but I can stop myself going further,I tell myself. Her lips brush against mine, her body arching softly into me. It could be her dreaming, acting out her desires in her sleep, but I know it’s not. It’s her asking for more, for me, for the two of us together in the warm dark cocoon of her new bedroom, wanting that closeness. That intimacy.
I can’t stop myself from kissing her back. I want it too, something to soothe away the sting of Saoirse’s unexpected arrival, to ease the cramp of hurt and longing in my chest. A longing for passion without strings, without lies, to feel what I’ve felt with these two women and not have it backfire on me. To be able to love without fear that it will tear me apart.
Her mouth is soft and warm, so familiar now. I love the taste of her, the scent. I want to bury my face in her neck, her hair, breathe her in, wrap myself in her. My jacket still smelled like her tonight, when I left the apartment, and that as much as anything kept propelling me forward, a magnet to iron.
“Niall.” She breathes my name a third time, lips parting, deepening the kiss. I feel her press against my hard cock, her hand sliding between us to stroke me through my jeans, all pretense of sleep gone now. “I want you—please. I need you.”
I need you too. So fucking badly it hurts.The words dance on the tip of my tongue, swallowed up by her kiss, words that I know better than to say. “We can’t,” I murmur instead, breaking the kiss even as my hand slides up her inner thigh, under her dress. “We can’t do that, not here, not like this.”
“Why not?” The words are a pleading whisper, a breath brushing over my mouth. “You’re here. You came back. Please.”
With my other hand, the one not at the edge of her panties, my fingers craving the wet heat of her, I brush her hair away from her forehead. “You’re home now,” I whisper back, my mouth so close to hers that I can almost feel it. “Myhome, here in Boston. If we do this, Isabella, if we have sex again, I’ll never be able to stop. I’ll never be able to let you go.”
Her eyes flutter open, meeting mine, dark and warm and liquid. “What if I don’t want you to?”
I barely hear the words, her whisper is so soft. I almost think I imagined them. In my mind’s eye, I can see myself rolling her onto her back, pushing her dress up, inside of her in a matter of seconds. I canfeelthe wet heat of her clasped around me, so viscerally that my dick throbs, pre-cum sliding down my shaft in the loose confines of my joggers. I groan through my teeth, my fingers sliding under her panties, and Isabella gasps, curling into my chest as I slide them inside of her.
“Christ,”I hiss, rocking against her thigh as I slowly thrust my two fingers into her. She’s wet and hot and tight, clenching around me, a tiny moan slipping from her lips when I rub my thumb over her clit. I wrap my other arm around her, pulling her closer to me, all of her pressed to my chest with her face buried in my neck as I finger her slowly, savoring the sensations of her wrapped around me even like this.