“I’m in love with him.” I don’t wait, pushing the admission out and staring up at my best friend. Fox is the only person who makes me feel so alive. “But he did something bad. Well, a lot of bad things.”
Thea puts a hand on my shoulder and helps me sit up. “We don’t get to pick who we fall for. Did he hurt you? Because if he hurt you, then—”
“Yes, but not the way you’re thinking.” I curl up next to her and let her drape her arm over my shoulders. Playing with the hem of my loose shirt—god, another shirt I stole from Fox without even realizing—I exhale and tell her the rest of what happened today. “When we finally worked through the grudge he had about me, he kept this part about Holden a secret. I forgave him and we got each other back. I want to trust there’s good in him, but when things get bad will he always take things so far?”
“Maybe. But that’s him before he had you with him.” She tilts her head. “It’s a partnership. Connor’s taken things too far, but together we find the balance.”
Balance. That’s what I want. If Fox didn’t push me away, I could’ve
pulled him back from the edge. I could’ve saved my brother from the heartache of his dream disintegrating right in front of him.
“What would make it better?”
I worry my lip for a moment. Holden still doesn’t know. He’s been better in the last few weeks now that he’s settled at Ridgeview Community College. Not just better, he’s been happy for the first time in a long time. I don’t want to ruin that by telling him the truth. Maybe I’m overreacting to all of this. For once, I wish I wasn’t so impulsive so I could’ve confronted Fox instead of leaving.
“Talking it out, I guess. But I don’t know, Holden’s been pretty chill. I’d hate to rehash it if it’s going to leave him reeling without the chance to reverse it. Fox said he sent incriminating video.”
Thea frowns. “Does he still wish he could have gone there to play? Because if he doesn’t, that might tell you the answer.”
I shrug. “I don’t know. He said he’s glad it worked out, but it was taken from him. Given the chance? Maybe. But I think he met someone in one of his classes this semester.”
“I think you should start by asking your brother since it has more to do with him.”
Nodding, I slouch further on the couch. I’ll text him later to broach the subject.
Thea’s always been the logical one between the two of us. Now that I have the space away from the emotions racing through me when Fox angrily spit out what he did, it doesn’t sting as badly when I prod at the memory. Betrayal still flares, but it’s the same as when Fox explained the reason he hated me. An indignant sort of ache, but not such a deep cut I’ll never move past it.
I try to picture if I had parents I idolized, would I end up like him? Every relationship poisoned by the demolition site of my heart? God, as angry as I was at him, my heart wobbles in sympathy.
I wonder what he’s doing right now and hope he managed to calm down or find a better outlet for his anger than throwing shit around. Today was a shock for him, too, and I left him alone to handle it.
“If I love him, why does it hurt so much?”
How can I love someone that is capable of turning his back on my brother? How can I be ready to forgive him?
Thea wraps me up in another hug. “It’s just how love is, messy and intense. Love is good and bad all at once.”
She’s right. More than that, I came here because I want to figure out what my priorities are. I jumped from standing up to my controlling, shady parents to throwing myself into Fox’s crusade for the truth. Now that he has it, do we keep going or does it stop here?
Did I let myself bounce from one thing to the next because I’m afraid to take something I want for myself? I’ve pushed off my road trip indefinitely for so many reasons. It’s scary to think I barely know my own self underneath all the layers I’ve put on over the years at my parents’ command.
As I turn it over in my head, it rings true. That’s been my problem, finally teased out from the murky shadows.
I’m scared. Too worried what happens if I make a mistake because I’m not used to making my own choices. And I used my shock about Holden to give the fear bigger wings.
My throat constricts and it takes a few tries to swallow past the lump that forms. I twist my fingers in Fox’s stolen shirt, bringing the oversized neckline to my nose to take comfort in his faint scent lingering behind, like I’ve brought a piece of him with me.
It’s still wrong, what he did. But Holden is happy and just like me, he’s not physically hurt by Fox’s manipulations.
“What do you need?” Thea prompts, breaking into my internal reflection. “Do you want to leave town for your trip? I know it’s been hard to work it out, but you can take my car. We’ll go together to your house and pack up all your stuff into the back.”
A pang hits me hard. My first thought is Fox. I need him. I feel most like myself, my true self, when I’m with him. But I don’t want to be the girl who can only be like that with him. That’s why I asked him for space because everything was getting too crazy.
I need to live for me and make my own choices. But am I doing that if I stay for him, or should I stop letting excuses keep me from taking the road trip and moving to California?
As soon as I consider it, I know that’s not what I need. The thought of leaving him behind hurts as much as it did when he was gone from my life. When I think of going to California now, I picture what we’ve both been talking about—both of us on the road together, him opening a workshop and me making my own path with a yoga studio of my own. I never wanted to do it alone, but I didn’t realize I was waiting for the right person to do it with. Someone who knew from the beginning how much I dreamed of it.
I brush the old stones of my bracelet. When he gave them to me, he said they reminded him of me. I always thought the blue one looked like his eyes.