An instinct has been bubbling in me for a few days. It nearly jumps out of my mouth when I come across Blair putting together a snack, one of her paperbacks open and turned over on the kitchen counter to save her place.
She’s wearing my SLHS varsity soccer zip up jacket, the cuffs giving her sweater paws. My heart lurches in a tailspin at the sight.
I’ve given her actions to make up for my behavior, but I need to do more. Maybe I should give her my words, too.
“Oh, hey.” Blair’s lips purse in excitement as she sprinkles seasoning over the bowl of popcorn. “I was going to read on the deck.”
Say something.
I flounder, searching for a way to not blurt out what I have floating around in my head. I’ve never apologized before. Every ounce of strategy flees now that I need to craft my words carefully.
“Want me to light the fire pit?”
Blair hums in consideration as she fills up a glass of water. “Thanks, that would be cool.”
“I see you’ve commandeered my hoodie.” I circle the island and pluck at the sleeve.
“It totally looks better on me.”
“It does.” I swallow.
The material almost covers her athletic shorts, giving the illusion that she’s wearing my jacket and nothing else, driving me wild with the runaway thought.
“Listen, there’s been something I’ve wanted to say.” I tug on my ear as Blair tosses popcorn in the air, aiming to catch it in her open mouth. Heat shoots into my groin. “Blair.”
“Yeah?”
“I want to—I’ve been—” This is ridiculous. My tongue refuses to cooperate with my brain. Why is this so hard? “The way I’ve treated you…”
Blair’s eyebrows hike up. “Dude. Get it together. This is weird to witness. It’s ruining my image of Mr. Control Freak.”
I huff out a laugh. Tell me about it.
“I shouldn’t have,” I wave my hand, “been such a shit to you. The things I’ve said about you, I mean.”
Blair stares at me as she gathers her inky hair into a ponytail. “Are you having a stroke?”
I scrub a hand over my face, peeking at her through my splayed fingers. “Maybe. This is harder than I thought.”
“What is?”
My stomach flips over. “Apologizing.”
“Is that what you’re trying to do?” Blair laughs. “Damn, you suck at this.”
“I mean it, though. It wasn’t right.”
Blair shrugs and eyes me warily. “Are you saying you want to end the, um…” She gestures between us. “The deal.”
“What? No.”
I muffle a groan behind my hand as I cover my mouth. This is a disaster. She’s not getting it at all. I’m just trying to say I’m sorry for treating her like a bug and playing stupid pranks on her. Is there some way to make her believe me? How can I make up for what I’ve done?
“Should I leave the popcorn stuff out?”
The water glass catches my eye and spurs an impulsive thought. I always strive for control, but right now this feels right. If she doesn’t understand, maybe I can show her. We’re not in the cafeteria, but this will have to do for now.
I swipe Blair’s water while she rummages in the fridge.