It didn’t use to suck like this because there was always an au pair around. But when I turned sixteen two years ago, Dad decided I was old enough to be on my own with the expense account he and Mom fill up each month. Self-sufficient independence, they call it. It’s just me and the invisible housekeepers I never run into, even when I try to seek them out. They’re like fucking elves.
Lucas is far out of reach now that he’s at college with his girl, Gemma. If I lost Bishop, there’d be no one left. I’m lucky my best friend has stuck by my side for as long as he has.
But nothing lasts forever.
I can’t hold on to the same routine.
Everyone moves on.
Stop.
Rubbing my hand over my head, I struggle with the effort to push the melancholic thoughts back down in their box, locked away where they belong. Where they can’t whisper their evil truths to me.
I breathe deep and slow.
It takes a minute to rein my scattered emotions, bringing them back in check from the brink of the miserable hysteria that plagues me when I let the loneliness in, where it can cut deepest.
My fingers twitch with the urge to grab the pack of smokes from the nightstand.
This is how life is supposed to be. Seniors graduate and go to college. It’ll be Bishop and I doing the same after this year.
I blow out another harsh breath that burns my throat and unlock my phone to read Bishop’s messages. They’re sporadic nonsense until the newest one from a minute ago.
Bishop: Did you fall in the damn urinal? If you don’t answer or come out in 5, I’m sending search & rescue. No bros left behind.
Bishop: Aight, I guess you ain’t coming back to practice. Cool. Cool cool cool.
Bishop: [GIF of a man blinking in disbelief]
Bishop: Yo, Devil Boy, you owe me for cutting out early today.
A snort leaves me. Everyone at Silver Lake High dubbed me the dark devil, but Bishop likes to put his own spin on things.
Devlin: I had to get out of there. Leg cramp from those drills.
Bishop: Ok, your highness. [eye roll emoji] Seriously, I’m making you practice extra this week. I can’t give you a break or the guys will think I give you special treatment. I ain’t your whipped bitch. Besides your footwork needs it for the first match.
Devlin: [middle finger emoji] [middle finger emoji] Fuck off. I always score and you know it.
Devlin: [smirk emoji] And you know I’d treat you right, baby.
Bishop: Whatever, you dick. WYD? Wanna hang and smoke a bowl? I’ve got a fresh bag of Doritos with your name on it.
As great as that sounds and as much as I want to hang out with Bishop, smoking weed when my head is all twisted up always leaves me more anxious and paranoid. Like my body won’t let me just chill the fuck out. It’s some grade A bullshit, but I’m not rolling the dice on that tonight.
Devlin: Nah man, gotta have dinner at my aunt and uncle’s.
A lie. But they’d gladly have me over for dinner if I showed up. My stomach rumbles, mocking my made up plans. If I raid the kitchen, I might get lucky and find something. Sometimes one of the housekeepers likes to leave me the extra food she makes.
Bishop: Legit. See ya tomorrow bright and early for your punishment [laughing emoji]
Devlin: [middle finger emoji] [middle finger emoji] [middle finger emoji]
Tucking my phone in my pocket, I venture down into the desolate house in search of food. My footfalls on the varnished floating stairs are the only muffled noise in the entire house. I have half a mind to connect my phone to the bluetooth speaker system and turn on some ambient sound playlist to fill the house with noise. Sometimes it helps drown out the suffocating silence.
It’s eerie as fuck and I’m still not used to having the place to myself. I might never be. I don’t know if it’s any better on the rare occasion my parents are around, either. They keep to themselves when they’re home, almost like they’re not here at all.
This is exactly why I prefer to spend all my time at Lucas’ house across the lake.