But if I did, there was no way in hell I could let her go again. There would be no safety net in sight. No happy ending. Only me living a life of sexual frustration while she remained lonely and rejected.
She’d left.
If I could somehow do the same, it might be exactly what we needed to survive each other.
I stood by the bed, waiting for an epiphany on what to do.
Chase her.
Forget her.
Claim her.
Abandon her.
One, two choices.
One, two decisions.
One, two potential disasters.
I wished I had a third option just to balance out the tic inside my skull.
The crazy counting wouldn’t stop; I rubbed my temples. Pim had done this to me. I wished I had the ability to turn off emotion. I wished I could walk away from her as she’d just walked away from me.
My legs screamed to hunt her down and drag her back—kicking and screaming if it came to that. But even as I entertained the idea of chasing her through downtown Monte Carlo, an irrefutable depression settled.
She’d made the decision for both of us.
She’d been the one to have the guts and look into the future and only see decimation.
It was over.
Done.
Finished.
That’s the way it has to be.
I hated it. I mourned it. I already felt myself breaking apart.
Throwing her letter across the room, I pulled my phone from my pocket and dialled Selix.
He answered on the first ring. “I know, I know. I’m running late. Almost there.”
“Doesn’t matter anymore.” My voice was shattered glass.
Selix paused. “What’s happened?”
That question couldn’t be answered in my current state. “I hope to God you got the tin I asked for from my bedside drawer.”
“Got the tin.”
My shoulders slouched, already tasting the sickly smoke of a joint. I didn’t have the power to calm my riotous thoughts, but weed surely would.
“Good,” I said. “Tell Jolfer we’re leaving the moment we return.”
“Already ahead of you. The captain has the yacht fully stocked with food and fuel. He’s ready to leave when you are.”
“Fine.”
When I didn’t hang up or give more instruction, Selix asked, “Anything else?”
“Yes, Pimlico ran off.”
Christ, I didn’t mean to sound so fucking gutted. Stupid voice betraying me. Stupid heart screwing me over. Stupid fucking universe putting her in my path.
“You going to find her?” Selix’s tone was quiet…unpresumptuous, but it still set my hackles on edge.
Yes.
No.
I don’t fucking know.
“Just…come get me. I’ve waited long enough. I need to be on the ocean.”
“I’m literally two streets away. Traffic was a bitch.” He cleared his throat, about to over step the line he loved testing. “Look, if my opinion is worth anything, I think it’s a good thing she’s gone. No longer your problem.”
Now that I’ve tasted her, she’ll forever be my problem.
Selix didn’t need to hear that. “I never liked your opinions. This time is no different. Shut up and drive. The sooner we’re off this godforsaken soil, the better.”
“Guess I’ll let the Hawks know your plus one is no longer needed.”
“Fuck you.”
Selix chuckled. “Hey, I could always go as your date.” A car horn sounded before he added, “Look, here’s another opinion you probably won’t like. You’re still sailing to England. Want me to find her and stow her on board? You wouldn’t have to see her. I’d keep her away. At least then you’d know she’s back where she belongs and you could truly forget about her. Your part would be done.”
I shook my head even as Selix’s proposal spread like wildfire. “You know as well as I do she has no one there to take her in. Her mother—”
“I know,” he interrupted. “But fuck that. I’m sure she has other family.”
She doesn’t.
Same as me.
And that was yet another crucifix to bear.
I didn’t want to hear any more.
Pim had made her choice.
I was making mine.
She was on her own.
It didn’t matter I would forever carry a hole where she was concerned. I wouldn’t hurt her again. She’d earned her freedom. England or Monaco—her fate would be the same in any country as she no longer had a home.
She would make a new one somewhere far from me.
From Alrik.
From everyone.
“Enough of your damn opinions, Selix. Bring me that tin. Never mention her name again, forget she ever existed. I expect to set sail within the hour. You can’t do that? You’ll be swimming with the goddamn fish.”
Chapter Two
______________________________
Pimlico
TWO DAYS AGO, walking the streets had been an adventure.
I’d had Bill and Lance shadowing me—giving me courage because they worked for Elder, and Elder was my guardian angel. When someone jostled me, I didn’t get scared. When a man stepped in front of me, I didn’t panic.
Today had been completely different.
I’d spent the day all alone.
Vulnerable, lost, afraid.
Men smiled, and all I saw were monsters.
Women laughed, and all I saw were victims.
Morning had turned to afternoon, and I’d walked listlessly, heart-bruised, and happy-broken, second-guessing my rash decision to leave Elder.