With just a fraction of space between the door clicking home, and only half her face visible, she murmured, “I suggest you get some rest or play your cello or do whatever it is you do to find peace because until you give in, until you trust, until you allow yourself to live rather than stay chained up the way you have been, you’re not going to be happy.”
Her final words as the door closed were, “And I want you to be happy. With me.”
Chapter Fourteen
______________________________
Pimlico
I DIDN’T LOCK the door.
I probably should have.
Just like I probably shouldn’t have antagonised him, especially after he’d come back and been fully prepared to break me out of jail.
I didn’t mean to make it harder for him…he just made it so hard to love him.
He’d coped with having me around the first time because I was recovering and lost—not to mention mute. The scraps of his affection had been as unique and beautiful as stars.
But now, I was awake and ready to feel everything. And those scraps and stars weren’t enough anymore. I wanted planets. I wanted galaxies.
I wanted his heart.
He couldn’t blame me.
He was the one who brought me back. I’d walked away to prevent this from happening.
Currently, my very presence hurt him…so what did he hope to achieve? Did he expect to keep me close but never see me? To know I was safe but never touch or speak to me—as if I were a priceless figurine polished and shatter free on his mantle?
I don’t think so.
If that was the case, then whatever this was would never work.
I knew what I wanted now, and after a lifetime of being someone else’s, I was ready to bravely go after it.
Besides, Elder had acquiesced to my hunting him the moment he’d marched into that police station. I wouldn’t let the guilt at picking a fight with him make me forget that part.
Yes, he was off somewhere, no doubt livid and cursing my name. But wasn’t that better than being apart? Hadn’t the past few days shown us that pain had many layers and pain apart was unbearable compared to pain together?
Ugh! Men.
Pacing in my lovely room, I didn’t reacquaint myself with the furniture or balcony. I merely kept moving, allowing my brain to sort through this mess so I could stop thinking about it.
Slowly, my anger subsided and remorse settled instead.
Damn…
I’d pushed Elder too far, too fast.
I’d embraced confrontation instead of diplomacy.
What I should’ve done was hugged him and thanked him profusely for being so generous.
What the hell was I thinking?
For someone to take me on was a massive responsibility. I came with baggage and not just the slavery-suitcases that were full to the brim, but also the empty parcels just begging to be filled with new experiences.
It was those reasons that made me a hard to care for lover.
I’d been denied so many enjoyments and luxuries, it had made me greedy. I wanted to grab each life morsel and indulge in every activity. I wanted to eat delicious food instead of leftovers in a dog bowl. I wanted to kiss every sunrise after being locked inside for years. And I wanted to be loved and to love after only knowing hate.
There was nothing wrong with that. In fact, if I had to guess my mother would say that was healthy. Only, Elder was in the unfortunate place of being the one I’d chosen and not able to give me what I needed.
I was frustrated and annoyed at him.
He was frustrated and annoyed with me.
We’d skipped happy courtship, sprinted through contented marriage, and headed straight for a bitter divorce.
I came to a stop in the middle of the room.
I didn’t want to think about this anymore.
I can’t see a way forward.
On the one hand, I could return to my old life, finish my degree, seek out friends I never cared about, and leave. On the other, I could play by his rules for a time and see if there was some way to, perhaps not break them, but bend them just enough so we could both be happy.
It wasn’t late, but exhaustion fell over me. My feet guided me toward the bed, my hands tugging at my clothing in preparation of warm sheets and hopefully healing dreams.
As I climbed into bed, I wished I could apologise.
To whisper that I hadn’t meant to be such a problem.
I only wished he could see how much I cared for him. How much I wanted to curl into his lap and watch TV, to wipe away ice-cream from his bottom lip after sharing a dessert, to wrap a towel around his waist after indulging in a shared shower.
There was so much I hadn’t experienced, and Elder didn’t want to do any of it with me.
Elder had said he knew his limitations and expected me to learn mine.