I knew he couldn’t be the uncaring oaf I’d sometimes come to think of him as. I mean his new thing since leaving the army was saving kids from distressful situations. The local papers from the surrounding towns were full of the stuff he’d been up to since coming home.
Even the online Topix forums were mostly about him some days. That’s where I got my fill of stories about him. It’s also where I learned about his reputation with women.
That one had hurt for days, a physical pain like I’d never known…
“What’s the matter?” Oh shit, I’d groaned out loud and now he was sitting up in bed looking at me. I felt my face heat up as I opened my eyes the rest of the way even though the room was shrouded in darkness. “Nothing, uh, I was just thinking about something.”
He looked at me like he wasn’t sure whether or not to believe me. I can imagine. I’d heard that sound I make before and it usually sounded like I was in horrible pain. No way I was going to tell him the true source of my distress though. He’d probably find a way to put even more distance between us.
I was never sure if he hadn’t caught me mooning over him the last time we’d been together. He’d stayed away for almost three years after that. If he knew how torrid my thoughts were these days concerning him, he’d probably lock me in a convent and throw away the key.
I could still feel his eyes on me like he was gauging the situation to see what if anything he needed to do. That’s the thing about my Creed I always knew he’d protect me no matter what, though I wasn’t sure he’d be in time this last time. I still hadn’t found a way to tell him and he’d shown up anyway. Like magic.
What would he do if he knew? That’s one of the things that bothered me most. On the one hand I reveled in my aunt getting what she deserved if I told him the truth about her treatment of me over the years, and on the other I dreaded his reaction and what it could mean.
I’d read more than just the news reports on him and his motorcycle crew, and some of them had claimed that he was all but tempting the law to lock him away and throw away the key. I didn’t want that at all. And as much as he’d taken her word over the years, I never doubted for a second that if he ever knew the truth he’d go after her.
His eyes were staring back at me in the dark and I held my breath in waiting. Will he roll over and go to sleep? Or will he dig? I didn’t have long to wonder when he sat up and turned on the light. I wasn’t sure I was ready for this. All I wanted was to be away from my home for good, never to return if I could help it. If he gave me that I would forgive him for every time he’d not listened to me.
I sighed as if tired and closed my eyes, feigning sleep. I remembered to slow my breathing like I did when asleep. My heart was about to give me away though because it was beating so fast and so hard I was pretty sure he could hear it from the other bed. I was tempted to open my eyes to see, but I could almost feel his stare.
He hit the light and I breathed that much easier again and felt my muscles relax and my heart calm a little. Better be more careful in the future don’t want to give him any reason at all to have any doubts about taking me home with him.
The thought made my tummy cramp and I was back to feeling lost and alone. I wanted so much to enjoy this time with him, this new experience. But the fear of what came next was almost too much.
What if I mess up really bad this time and he leaves for good this time? What if I do something that makes him think I wasn’t worth the trouble? That’s one of the things aunt Dee had always drilled into my head. How I should be careful, and not whine to him about every little thing.
At the time I believed her judgment that he’d wash his hands of me if I were to do that. He didn’t really owe me anything after all, and she was my blood. He could easily just forget the promise he’d made to a stupid nobody little kid like myself who he didn’t even know.
Could she be right? it was hard to tell because he’d always treated me like I mattered. But he’d been gone for so long this last time I wasn’t sure that there wasn’t some truth to what she’d said. So maybe yeah, maybe I have to be more careful. I was back to being scared again, the sweet feelings that the memories evoked gone again.