“Matt, about earlier,” I continued, “I’m sorry-”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to be sorry. This is just the way it goes. Jack is the leader after all. It makes sense.”
“No I-”
“Honestly Trish it’s okay,” he had a mean look on his face as he shrugged his shoulders and shook his head, pretending that he didn’t care. “This is just the way it goes. I should have expected it really. When Jack said he wanted to make the pack strong I figured that what he really meant was that he wanted a mate. I tried not to fall for you at the start, but I couldn’t help myself. I could tell you were different and that day when we went walking in the meadow…I feel pathetic for saying it, but it might well have been the happiest day of my life. All I want is to protect people and keep them safe. I’m just a healer and I suppose I’ll have to find my happiness elsewhere. I’ll be able to stop caring about you like this in a while. I just need to let the pain subside first. I’ll need some space, but I’ll be okay. You don’t have to feel guilty about being with Jack or being the mother this pack needs.”
The way he said those last few words struck a chord with me. Being the mother to the pack was a role of which I had not fully grasped the magnitude. I wasn’t just here for breeding, I was here to take care of them, to love them and help guide them to a new beginning, a new future. And I knew in that moment that I couldn’t limit my heart to Jack. As much as I felt a deep attraction and connection to him it was a crime against my own soul to ignore my desires. Jack had brought me here to save the pack and take care of the pack. I couldn’t stand by while Matt felt this way and not share some of my feelings with him.
I moved closer and tugged at his shirt to get him to turn around. When he did, I saw the redness of his eyes. His voice had been raw with emotion when he had spoken. I made sure my voice was gentle and caring.
“Matt, I care about you deeply and you have meant so much to me. You’re the one who first showed me kindness, who trusted me even though it went against your better judgment. This place, this pack…it has become obsessed with the past and it is a place of fear and darkness. They need you perhaps more than anyone to show them that there is a better way. We can both heal them, together. What’s more is that you allowed me to speak with my parents. You helped me break the laws of the world. You helped me do the impossible and I couldn’t ever deny that this means so much to me.”
I lifted my hand and placed it against his cheek. He leaned into me instinctively and I was overwhelmed with a warm feeling that swelled in the pit of my stomach and ran through every part of my body. I felt a pull towards him, the same kind of pull that I felt to Jack, although it was slightly different too. The nuances were difficult to explain and in the moment I wasn’t thinking anything about that, I just knew that I wanted to make Matt happy and for him to feel like he could trust me again, especially to trust me with his heart. I moved my hand to where it rested against the back of his head and pulled him down towards me. His thick hair was soft against my fingers and his hands came around my waist, lifting me onto my tiptoes. When our lips met, the kiss was tender and deep, and I could feel the longing that had been within him from the first moment we met. My eyes closed and I drowned in his embrace, wrapping my arms around his neck, feeling the tingling sensations rushing through my body.
I knew it was the right decision from the moment our lips met because I wasn’t filled with a sense of guilt or that this was wrong. It felt natural to kiss Matt, just as it had felt natural to be with Jack and I was intrigued by the possibilities. I thought it was no wonder that I had never been able to fit into the normal world if deep down I had always wanted a life like this. It was clear to me now that I had just been treading water until my real life had begun.
The kiss grew deeper and his hold on me became tighter. It may well have led to more had that not been the moment when the other wolves returned.
Chapter Fifteen
The roar of motorcycles came thundering down the road. We had been so lost in our kiss that neither Matt nor I broke away until we saw them pulling up outside the bar, the smoke rising from the engines in a thick cloud, momentarily covering the landscape. The doors burst open and Jack walked in, his face like thunder. As soon as he saw Matt and I standing so close together with our arms around each other he stormed into the middle of the room, fists clenched by his sides. My hands fell away from Matt, and he stepped back slowly. The warmth of his touch slipped away from my waist and I was cold again.
Although I didn’t feel any guilt there was a part of me that was shocked by the sense of being caught and panic flared inside me, not because I thought I was doing anything wrong, but because I wasn’t sure how Jack would react.
“What’s going on here?” he asked, his voice terse, his body tense. The other members of the pack started filtering
in through the door and their voices hushed as they realized that something was afoot.
“There was an attack,” Matt said in a wavering voice. “The Hunters came while you were gone. Buck and I managed to fight them off, but Buck’s in a pretty bad way. He’s recovering now.” We both knew that wasn’t what Jack had meant. His eye twitched and he glanced back at the rest of the pack. I got the feeling that he wanted to confront us about what had been going on, but he couldn’t risk being so petty in front of the pack, not when the clubhouse had been attacked. Jack shifted his glance between Matt and me, and then barked an order for the others to help clean up before he marched out of the room. I glanced at Matt, who offered me a shrug, and suddenly the future was clouded again. The thought of loving three men came easily to me, but juggling the emotions of all of them was going to be difficult.
“I’ll talk to him,” I whispered, and followed Jack’s path to his room.
*
“I’m not sure you should be here right now. I might say something I will regret,” he said as soon as I entered, even though he had his back to the door. Sometimes their enhanced senses really annoyed me.
“I think we need to talk.”
“Do you? About what?”
“Well, first about why you left me this morning without saying anything. I woke up and you were gone, only to find out that you had gone to speak with the Hunters. You might have died Jack. What if you had left without saying goodbye?”
“I thought you’d understand. I didn’t want to worry you unduly,” Jack said.
“It doesn’t work like that. You have to be open and honest with me. You can’t spend the night with someone and then just leave without saying anything.”
“Is that why you feel justified in kissing Matt? I can still smell him on you, you know.”
Those damned wolf senses. I clenched my jaw and tried to quell the anger that was rising within me as I didn’t want it to overwhelm me. I didn’t want to lose control. I was confused and tired, and all I wanted was to know where I stood.
“What do you want from me Jack? What did you expect to happen? You said you wanted me to help bring the pack back to greatness, to use my lineage to make the pack strong again. If that’s the case then I’m going to need to be with more than you. That’s just the nature of the bargain.”
“But it doesn’t mean you have to love all of them,” Jack hissed. I was stunned for a moment by the intensity imbued in his voice, but I was also shaken by his vulnerability. For a man who was so strong and so authoritative, so confident and commanding, his emotional state was shaky and he felt things deeply. The anger evaporated as I saw him in a new light, and love flowed through me instead, making my voice gentle. The atmosphere in the room shifted and the tension began to dissipate, but it was clear that we had some talking to do. We had rushed into sleeping together, into surrendering to our desires and passion, without thinking about the ramifications. I wondered if the same thing had happened with my parents, if my father had ever thought twice about falling in love with Mom because of what he was and because of what loving him meant for her. Some things were just inexorable though.
“Jack…you can’t expect me not to love them. I’m not going to be able to give my heart to you and my body to everyone else, that’s not how I work. I need to be free to love who I want, and if I am going to bear children then I want to be able to choose the fathers myself. I know now that my place is here. I have accepted that fully and I will not fight it, but there are certain conditions. I have deep feelings for you Jack and I cannot fight the attraction, but I know I am meant for more than simply being the mate of the alpha. This pack…it is hurting. The wolves in it are hurting and I have come to try and soothe them. I’m sure with your senses you can see the pain that surrounds each of you. I want to help, but if we are to breed a new generation of wolves then they are going to need different qualities. This pack needs your leadership skills, but it also needs Buck’s strength, and Matt’s compassion. Don’t you see that you are all the sum parts that make a great whole, and with me in the middle of it we can breed strong wolves, but it needs everyone to be happy with the way things work out. There can be no room for jealousy or envy, or for feelings of possession.”
As I said this Jack’s head twisted around and he glared at me. I knew I had struck a nerve but now was not the time to be coy with my words. My place in this world was becoming clearer to me with every passing moment and the clarity was welcomed within my soul. I braced myself for a barrage of emotional words, a torrent of jealousy that he needed to get out of his system but, thankfully, he calmed himself before he spoke.