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Thankfully, neither was he, it seemed.

*

“You’re not the only one who had some issues with their father,” he said. “That man raised me, but I never paid attention to any lesson he tried to teach me.”

“Why not? What happened?”

“He tried to teach me all the wrong lessons. I know you probably had some idea of what my life was like from the very first moment we met, but I can guarantee you it’s wrong. I was like any other kid, growing up with a mom and a dad in a nice house in the suburbs. Mom was sweet and the house was always filled with the smell of something baking or cooking. Dad worked a nine to five job, always had time for me, always helped me with my homework and spent time with me over the weekend. We went to ball games, we watched movies together, it was basically a patchwork of every idyllic childhood that has ever existed.”

“Then what was so wrong with it?”

“It was all a lie,” Buck said bitterly. There was a haunted look to his eyes as his gaze drifted past me to the photo on the wall, and then he continued his story. “For a time I thought that nothing was different about me. I was a little bigger than the other boys, stronger and faster, but mom and dad just said that was because I ate my vegetables and didn’t stuff myself with candy. But I knew that something inside me was different, I just didn’t know what it was yet. As I grew up I became more confused. I seemed angry all the time and I could sense things that others couldn’t. The world seemed brighter to me, and when I tried explaining it to my friends they told me that I was making things up. And when it came to playing at school I was too good. Everything was too easy for me because of my natural advantages. I dominated everything, so much so that it was unfair to the other kids, so none of them wanted to play with me. I was an outcast and I didn’t understand why nobody else could see the world the same way that I knew it.

And then I became a teenager. I started getting angrier. My temper was out of control. I got into fights at school and, of course, I never lost them, but it felt like everything was falling apart around me. I was the only thing that had changed, so I knew that somehow it had to be my fault, but I didn’t understand what I could do to stop it. I was only doing what came naturally to me, and yet somehow that was wrong.” He paused for a moment. Knowing what I knew of Buck I doubted if he told these things to many people, and I remained quiet for fear that if I spoke I would interrupt him and never get the opportunity again, as though a rare bird had landed in front of me and I dared not move in case it grew frightened and flew away. I let Buck continue with his story. But I got a sense of his pain and I identified with the loneliness he must have felt. My heart began to warm to him as he opened up to me.

“One day Dad called me into the basement. He was rifling through a box and pulled out that old photo. He seemed different than usual and I thought I was in trouble. I guess I was, but not in the way that I thought.” Buck licked his dry lips. Matt had left some water in here so I lifted some to Buck’s lips and carefully tilted the glass up so as not to spill it all down his chin. Buck swallowed and then continued talking.

“He started telling me that he’d had another life before I came into the world, and that he’d tried to keep it separate from my life as much as possible, but there was no way to do so any longer. He told me all about the kind of magic in the world and how we had been blessed by Mother Moon, and that I was a werewolf, just like him. I didn’t believe it at first. I thought he was having me on and I was ready to leave him there, when he shifted in front of me. I couldn’t believe it, but as soon as I saw it, I knew it made sense and I was hungry for the knowledge. I asked him everything and we stayed up all night. It was the first time in a long time that Dad and I had shared something like that, and it really reminded me of what my childhood was like, but at the same time I started to resent him because he had kept this a secret from me and I didn’t understand why.

He told me that it was getting to the point when I would start shifting and that, especially in the turbulent teenage years, it was going to be difficult to control my instincts, but that as I grew up and matured it would get easier, and eventually I would be able to blend into society like he did and have a normal life. But I was already thinking to myself, why would I want a normal life when I could be a wolf? I asked him if there were more of us out there and a strange look came over him. I could tell that he didn’t really want to talk about it, but I was so insistent that he didn’t really have a choice. Once he’d opened the can of worms there was no way he could stop them from spilling out. He told me all about the motorcycle club and the pack, and how he had once belonged. I’ll always remember the way he spoke about it, with such a wistful tone in his voice. Anyway, I asked him what happened to them. I figured something must have happened otherwise we’d still be there. Dad went quiet. He told me about the Hunters, and that he didn’t think it was safe anymore. He told me that when he found out Mom was pregnant with me he made plans to leave and I just…I couldn’t understand it. If the pack was in danger then surely his place was with them, to protect them? But no, Dad thought of himself and his family first. He put my safety over that of the pack and he left them weaker. He gave up the nobility of being a wolf for a safe life in a safe city where the only thing he had to worry about was his son learning his secret.

And as soon as I found out what he’d done I hated him. I couldn’t believe that he would betray his own people like that. In the same breath as he told me that the pack was the most important thing to a wolf, he also told me that he had left them when they needed help the most. He tried to make me feel better by saying that mom and I were his new pack, but I knew it was just something he told himself to make himself feel better. I thought of all the people that I couldn’t help because I hadn’t known they existed, and I thought about everything that had been denied to me. I burned with anger when I realized what he’d done, how he’d betrayed my nobility as a wolf, even before I had been born. I had to get away, I had to get back to my roots and reclaim my heritage. I had to make up for what Dad had done, so I did some more digging and found out about this place. When I got here, I found out that Dad wasn’t the only one who had left. The wolves had let fear ruin them and had fled to pastures new, but I wasn’t about to let the same thing happen. I joined them, leaving my old life behind. The life that Dad had tried to forge for me, had tried to present to me as a gift. But I didn’t want it. It was cursed. As soon as I came here I swore that I would do anything I could to serve this pack, to serve Jack. And I keep that picture there to remind me that I’ll never turn into someone like him. I’ll never turn my back on the pack,” his words were harsh and heavy with emotion.

When he finally finished talking, Buck took a deep breath that made his chest rise high, and for a moment I thought he had exhausted himself completely. His story struck a chord with me as I had obviously had a fractured relationship with my own mother, and I could well imagine the betrayal he must have felt when he realized that his father had been lying to him for his entire life. But one thing struck me as incredibly sad.

“And you’ve never been back to see him since?”

“Never,” Buck said, without a hint of regret in his voice. I looked at the man with a new sense of pity. He was clearly in pain and not just from the attack. The pain ran deep, through his skin and bones, right down into his soul. His had been a lifetime of trying to correct a mistake, a mistake

that wasn’t his.

“Buck,” I said gently, not wanting to irritate him further. “I know it’s difficult, but we can’t define ourselves by our parents. I spent a lot of my life living in my mom’s shadow and I ended up turning away from what she wanted me to be because she tried so hard to make that into my destiny. You can’t spend your life trying to fix your father’s mistake. It’s not your job. And I know that it’s not easy to face a parent when you find out they’re not perfect, but he’s still your father and it’s important to remember that while he’s a wolf, he’s still only human. I’ve had problems with both of my parents and I wish that I had been able to speak to them more while they had been alive. I never got a chance to meet my Dad and in her later years my relationship with Mom had been so difficult that we never spoke as a mother and daughter should. I know the pack is important, but family is important too and there should always be a chance for people to make it right. Maybe in time you could see your father again. Sometimes it’s hard to understand why people do things but we have to look at things from other people’s perspective to try and understand them. That’s what I did with you wolves. If I hadn’t I’d never have been able to forgive you for taking me away from my life.”

“I have seen it from his perspective,” Buck said, tearing his gaze away from the photo. “And I hate it, because it makes me feel like a coward.”

“He’s still your father, and one day you’re going to want to talk to him, but you’re not going to be able to. Even though I knew that Mom was dying of cancer I never got a chance to tell her all the things I wanted to tell her. There’s always something more to say. Maybe if he sees what you’ve done with your life he might change the way he lives and be better for it.”

“Maybe,” he growled. I figured it was a sign of progress at least and rather than being turned away by his rough manner and his curt tone, my heart opened up to him. I wanted to help him. This was a man who had been betrayed by his family, who had discovered that his father didn’t abide by the values that he had taught to Buck, and now the pack was all that Buck had. He claimed to not care about anything else, but I knew that wasn’t true. He just didn’t let himself care. I had a sense of what the underlying issue was because I had been through the same thing, although I didn’t voice it at the time because he wasn’t ready to hear it and he’d only have denied it anyway. Perhaps in time I would share it with him, when we had a deeper connection. But the issue was that he was afraid of turning into his father, afraid that if he had a family he might leave the pack he claimed to love so much. He came here to fix his father’s mistake, but he was paralyzed by the fear of repeating that mistake. I was exactly the same; always so afraid that I would end up like my mother and expect my children to follow a path that had been denied to me.

I pressed a hand to his arm and squeezed it gently, deciding that now was the best time to leave.

“Thank you again Buck,” I said, and leaned forward to offer him an affectionate kiss. The gesture took him by surprise and he mumbled something in reply, before he turned away from me and continued to rest. I took a last look at him before I left the room, confused by the swirl of emotions that ran through my mind.

Chapter Fourteen

I left Buck and despite being in there for a little while, Jack and the other wolves had not yet returned. Although it was awkward I knew I had to find Matt and talk to him, not just about Buck, but about what had happened between us. I walked back into the bar and found him cleaning up. He had taken the dead wolves away and was in the process of sweeping up glass and righting the tables and chairs. I walked up and helped him. When he saw me he stiffened and averted his gaze. He didn’t make any attempt to speak to me.

“Buck’s awake,” I said.

“That’s good,” he replied. I bent down to pick up a chair and watched Matt. I wasn’t entirely sure how to broach the subject with him. I wanted to try and reassure him, but there was so much uncertainty in my mind I had no idea where to really begin. When I thought of the three men, I had so much affection for all three of them, and in such different ways as well. My feelings towards them were all different, but had the same intensity.

“Shouldn’t the others have been back by now?” I asked.

“I suppose so, but you never know with the Hunters. I just hope they all end up coming back. If they don’t then this is all over.” His words dripped with despair and his eyes were haunted. Matt was the one that had seemed to be upbeat and chipper, but his mood had darkened. I wasn’t sure how much my rejection had played a part in that. Perhaps it was being egotistical of me to even imagine that I was important enough to have played a part, but I couldn’t help it.

“Don’t speak like that Matt. We can’t think like that. It’ll be okay. Jack will bring them back.”

Matt winced as I mentioned Jack’s name, although he didn’t respond.


Tags: Lilly Wilder Paranormal