I closed my eyes against the unsteady rush. That was true, what Mom had said. I had grown close to the nurses, and now I knew how Mom had known about my major. She'd been to Shepherd, with Jax.
"All those times she came, she came to talk to me?" I asked, and my voice sounded incredibly small.
"Yeah, she did. She recognized her faults and f**kups more than I think anyone gets," he said, and when I opened my eyes, he was still watching me. "She never wanted the bar life for you. She knew that the likelihood of her being around for a while wasn't good. When she knew I'd take the bar off her hands, would make it good, she sold it to me. She didn't want you to even have it as an option."
I really needed to sit down.
He wasn't done. "I didn't tell you about this, because I didn't know how you'd feel knowing your mom had come to see you. You two weren't on great terms, and explaining this makes me come off as a creep, so it wasn't something I was really looking forward to doing, but I was."
"Totally not a creep," whispered an awed Teresa.
His lips twitched for a moment and then he refocused on me. "Each time I saw you, I felt like . . . I felt like I knew you a little bit better. I never talked to you but seeing you always smiling or laughing . . . or being peaceful . . ." He shook his head, and my heart spasmed. "There's something about that . . . it drew me in, Calla. Fuck. I fell for you before you even knew my name."
Oh, holey moley. Tears rushed my eyes and his face blurred.
"And I should've told you about Mona's. I was going to that day in the office, but when you'd said you'd sell it, I didn't think you'd care. And then when I realized that even though you never said it, I knew the bar meant a lot to you." He took a step forward, his progress tracked by everyone in the room. "I didn't know how to break that to you. I've honestly been struggling with the idea of keeping it. The place gave me purpose when I got back home after drifting, but it didn't feel right. Not with you here. Not with me really knowing you."
I swallowed, but the lump was stuck in my throat.
His eyes searched mine. "I love you, Calla. Me owning the bar doesn't change that. If it did, then I don't want a f**king part of it. All I want is you."
Staring back at him, I couldn't get any words out of my mouth. Everything he said whirled around in my head. I was overwhelmed.
"Calla," he whispered.
I shook my head, at a loss for what to say.
"Say something, honey. I don't want to give up on you, but you've got to say something to stop me from walking out that door."
So many things I wanted and needed to say rose in my throat, but nothing came out. It was like having performance anxiety. I was frozen where I stood and it was so quiet in the room I swore everyone could hear my heart pound.
Jax expelled a rough breath as he held my gaze and then he turned and walked away. He walked right out that door, and I stood there, staring at his retreating form, watching the door swing shut.
I didn't say anything.
I seriously stood there.
And I watched him walk away.
Thirty-four
"Oh God," Avery said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. She stared up at me. "He fell for you before you even knew his name?"
Teresa was also staring at me with wide, watery eyes. "Calla . . ."
I still couldn't breathe, couldn't think of anything to say. I was a statue.
Jase turned his head to me, brows raised. "If I liked guys-you know, swung that way, I'd get na**d after that."
I blinked. Um.
"And I'd put a ring on that," Cam added, moving to where Avery sat.
I blinked again. Uh.
Teresa snorted. "I'm in a happy, love-of-my-life relationship, so Jase, take no offense to what I'm about to say, but I'm about to do all those things. My God, girl, that was beautiful. That was real. And that hurt to hear and you just let him walk right out of here."
I did.
I let him walk right out of here.
"Calla," Teresa called softly.
Shaking my head, I looked at her. "What am I doing?"
"I don't know," she said. "But I think you know what you need to be doing."
I did. Oh God, I really did know what I needed to be doing. The bar. The secrets. The whatever. It didn't matter. "I'm so f**king dumb," I said.
Cam's brows flew up.
Then I took off, clenching my cell phone like it gave me extra ability to run as if a T. rex were chasing after me. I threw open the door without looking back and tore out into the hallway. Of course, Jax wasn't there. I ran down the hall, passing the elevator, and hit the stairwell. They were on the third floor and I'd never run down steps as fast as I did at that moment and not break my neck.
By the time I hit the lobby and ran past a startled-looking hotel clerk, the stitch in my side was spreading across my whole stomach. I barreled through the doors like something straight out of a cheesy Hallmark movie and sucked in oxygen.
"Jax!" I shouted, shooting out from underneath the hotel awning. My eyes scanned the parking lot, not seeing his truck. The place was packed in the front. "Jax!"
There was no answer from the ground or from the stars. I slowed at the edge of the lot, breathing deeply as I turned and jogged down the aisle, my gaze darting over the cars. Had he left? My heart sank as I stopped again, bending over and pressing my hand against my side.
Well, pressing my cell phone against my side.
I'd call him. God, I was so dumb. I could've just called him. Straightening, I went to tap on the screen when my heart stuttered to a stop.
"Calla."
Wheeling around, I almost dropped my phone when I saw Jax standing several feet away from me. I didn't stop to think about doing anything or turning into another dumbass statue.
My sandals almost flew off my feet as I took off again, running straight toward him and I didn't stop. Nope. I smacked right into his hard body and threw my arms around his shoulders, holding on so tight I could've doubled as a Snuggie.
Jax didn't move for a second and then his arms swept around me as I said, "I love you. Keep Mona's. It's yours. And yeah, you should've told me, but I still love you. I do."
He drew back so I could see his shadowed face. When he didn't say anything, I started rambling. "I'm dumb. Okay? I have this history of doing dumb things, so I just stood there . But in my defense, a lot of crazy shit has happened lately and you just admitted to seeing me way before I even knew you existed. That alone is a lot to process. And you said that you fell for me before you even met me, and now things kind of make sense to me, because I just couldn't figure out how you could be so accepting of me when you just met me, but you-"
He cut off my stream of words with his mouth and there was nothing gentle about this kiss. It was rich and deep, all-consuming, and it wasn't a slow seduction. The kiss seared me, claimed me, and as his tongue swept over mine, I moaned into his mouth.
When he did break the kiss, his lips brushed mine as spoke. "All you needed to say was that you loved me. That was all."
A laugh choked out of me. "I love you, Jackson James. I love you. I love-"
His arms tightened again and his deep growl rumbling out of his chest silenced me. Our gazes locked. "I need to be in you. Now."
My eyes widened.
"No time to go home." Then he took one of my hands and started walking back toward the hotel entrance.
"Jax?"
He looked down at me, his eyes full of hunger. "No time."
Well then. I was all aquiver.
We ended up back in the hotel, standing in front of a wide-eyed hotel clerk. "I need a room," Jax said, smacking down his wallet. "Now."
Maybe tomorrow I might be embarrassed, because the clerk's eyes swept from me to Jax and then to the arm cinched tight around my waist. All the older man did was smile and nod.
We got a room.
On the first floor.
As soon as he kicked the door shut behind us, Jax was on me. His hands spread across my cheeks, tilting my head back, and he kissed me deeply. When we broke apart, I reached for his shirt, but he caught my wrists.
"Before this goes any further, we need to be clear on a few things."
I nodded. "Okay. Name them."
"I'm sorry for not telling you. I've messed up. You deserve to be angry with me."
I heard that. Got it. "You're right, but I've told a worse lie to my friends for a lot longer time. You're not the pot and I'm not the kettle. I wish you did tell me and seriously, I do care about Mona's and you were right, more than I thought, but it's yours, Jax. It's not mine. It's never really been mine, but in a way . . . it still kind of is, because of you. It is."
The hardness in his jaw softened. "You really mean that, because if you-"
"I mean it." I wanted to touch him. Get nak*d. Show him how much I meant it. "It's yours."
He closed his eyes briefly and then said, "There's just one more thing. I love you, but if you're going to stay with me, you got to be all in. You got to be with me, Calla. When something happens, you don't shut down. You come to me. We talk about it. Okay?"
Pressing my lips together, I nodded. "I'm all in."
"That's-"
"But that doesn't mean I'm not going to do dumb stuff. That I'm always going to know how to react or that I won't need time to digest stuff," I rushed on. "And I do a lot of dumb stuff on a regular basis. Like all the-"
"Hon," he murmured, smiling. "I get that."
I cracked a grin. "We're good?"
Instead of saying we were, he showed me just how good we were. Our clothes went off in record time. Turned out he had protection in his wallet, to which I raised my brows.
"Never leave home without one," he joked.
I shook my head. "Kiss me already."
We were na**d and on the bed, our hands and mouths greedy. He paid extra attention to the new scar and then his head was between my legs, my fingers digging into the silky strands. Right before the tension exploded in my body, he climbed up me, settling between my legs.
"I'll be careful," he said, nipping at my lip.
"I don't want you to be careful."
His mouth kicked up on one corner. "That's one of those dumb things."
"Shut up." I curled my leg around his, bringing him closer.
He chuckled, but then he slid into me and there was nothing to really laugh about. It was as slow and smooth as our first time, him taking extra care and me completely forgetting about my tender side. My back arched and my h*ps rolled, rocked into his.
One of his hands curled around my breast, fingers working the tingling tip as he supported his weight on the arm braced beside my head. I had both legs around him now, my heels digging into his back, urging him to move faster.
"So impatient." He kissed the corner of my lip and then the other, before deepening the kiss.
And then he moved faster.
His hand left my breast and found mine and he threaded our fingers together as he thrust into me, connecting us in yet another place. He said my name into my ear and it thundered through me. Heat flowed and I was swimming in raw sensations as my chest pressed to his, so close I could feel his pounding heart.
Then he lifted his head, his gaze locking with mine, and the pressure inside me swelled. I tightened all around him.
"That's it," he rasped.
My soft moans rose, joining his grunts as the pace became feverish. I moved faster, grinding my h*ps against his. I was mindless, swept away as I cried out his name and came in tight, sensual waves, and he was right behind me, joining me as he buried his head in my shoulder.
"I think you like me," I said, voice husky and thick, shuddering as a tremor rocked me.
Jax chuckled into my neck and then rolled us so we were both on our sides, facing each other. "You're a dork."
"Yeah." I placed my hand on his cheek. "I am, but you love me."
He curled his fingers around my wrist and brought my hand to his mouth. He kissed the palm. "I do."
I'd kept Jax up half the night, talking and kissing, and making us both wish he'd had more condoms stashed in his wallet. We'd drifted off to sleep a few hours before dawn, and when I felt him kissing my cheek in the morning, it felt like minutes had passed instead of hours.
"It's time to get up, sleepy head," he said. Curling into a ball, I mumbled something about needing more sleep, but he was relentless, tugging gently on my hair. "We got plans today."
I pried one eye open. And then my other one opened when I realized he was dressed and sitting on the bed. "Why are you already in clothes?"