“Not all of us were. That was a way to be manipulative. I mean truly, how many kings, queens, and princesses can you have?” She sucked her teeth. “Anyway, this was paired with positive affirmations to make a special bullshit brew. Then, the discussions turned to Black people being superior to other races, and that those other people should be basically worshiping us. Now, that I didn’t believe at all. I do believe we’re resilient people. I believe we’re amazing, and wonderfully made from our various skin tones and hair textures to our culture in this country. We’re inventors and originators.
“All that said, I don’t believe God finds Black folk to be more special than any other race, and nobody more special than us. I don’t think God plays a game like that and if we pretend He does, it could have serious consequences. High self-esteem doesn’t need to be built on the back of puttin’ others down, or seeing them as lowly. Beneath us. We’re taking a page out of the oppressor’s playbook. I believe we’re important and gifted, and we’ve been treated badly in America and all over the world for that matter, but to go as far as to say we’re superior is just not true. I believe in one God, and he didn’t put one man over another. That’s human frailty. A sickness of mankind.”
Her voice cracked, and he imagined her heart ached, too.
“I rejected that notion, but he beat it in my head that I was wrong, and if I were to be friends with non-melanated people, then I would be tainted. Let alone date and have sex with a White man. This man’s grandmother was White, for God’s sake, because his mama was mixed, but whatever. My parents never told me no mess like that. I didn’t grow up hearing such things. I was raised right. He explained this hierarchy that contradicted everything I was taught. I started to believe him when he said White people were inferior and evil. Now, please understand, he did this over the course of many years. Not days. Not weeks. Not months. He kept hammering at me a little bit at a time. He earned my trust first, and I thought we were in love.”
“You don’t have to explain. I understand how faith-based indoctrination works. Go on.”
“He then began holding these classes and inviting more people in. He already had a small group of friends I’d met, but I thought they were just friends. Come to find out, they were what he called his devotees. He believed he was the second coming of Christ.”
She looked at him, as if to check for his reaction. Sure, he believed whoever this man she was speaking about had to be a fucking lunatic, and he would’ve seen right through his façade, but he wasn’t the one falling in love with a charlatan at the age of twenty-one. Under the right conditions, he might have become a victim of a batshit crazy lady, too. He had his share of close calls, that was for sure. There was no need for him to gasp or throw up jazz hands in hysteria. Shit happened.
“Crazy people are worth a dime a dozen. You’ve said nothin’ that is worth my running away from you.”
“I’m not finished.”
He opened his drink and took a gulp.
“Do you mind if I smoke in here?”
“I do. I have some rare books in here, and cigarette smoke could damage them.”
“Okay. I’ll just wait until you’re finished and go outside.”
She nodded, took another sip of her lemonade, and continued.
“So… let me make something clear. I wasn’t a virgin when I got with Master, but I wasn’t what I would call experienced, either.”
“Wait. This motherfucker is named Master?”
“He legally changed his name to that. His birth name was Lerone.”
“You can’t make this shit up. You just can’t. Go on, go on.” He took a huge gulp of lemonade and looked up at the ceiling in disbelief.
“So, I wasn’t a virgin, but I had only been with two guys before him. My first, a boy I had grown up with, and that was just one time, and then my ex-boyfriend from high school. So, he knew this, and he and I started having sex. Again, I thought I was in love, and I was fine with that. Then, things got strange. He wanted me to have sex with some of his devotees.”
He passed her around like a collection plate. Great. So much for what would Jesus do…
“I didn’t want to. He reacted by telling me I didn’t love him because I was not submitting and being obedient. He tried to show me scriptures that he had twisted up in his own head in order to confuse and manipulate me. Being stupid as hell, I let him convince me to sleep with a couple of them. It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life, Axel. I felt so degraded and dirty. He’d stand there with his arms crossed, and watch.”