I don’t know what to say so I just nod. Joel shakes his head at me. “Something she said confused me, and I need you to clear it up.”
“Okay…”
“She seems to be under the impression that it’s you avoiding her, not the other way around.”
Shit!
“But that’s not the impressionyougaveme. She’s a mess, Dylan. Amess. Anyone would think she was in love with you by the heartbreak written all over her face, but…”
Joel stops mid-sentence when he notices me flinch.Dammit.
“What?” he asks, raising an eyebrow. I shake my head, about to tell him nothing, when he raises a hand in my face. “Don’t bother bullshitting me. You’ve been keeping me in the dark for too long. What was that look about?”
I sigh and run a hand through my hair. I haven’t been keeping this from him because I don’t trust him with it, I’ve just been trying to avoid spiraling even further. Talking aloud makes everything more real, so it’s been easier to keep my mouth shut.
He takes a sip of his beer as he waits for me to answer. I don’t want to tell him, but I also do. Gripping the back of my neck, I stare down at my shoes “I think…“—I know—“Summer was trying to tell me she was falling for me that night at her dad’s, but I cut her off.”
He chokes on his drink and coughs for a second, shaking his head in disbelief. “Um, what?”
“You heard me.” I shrug, like that piece of information isn’t eating me up inside.
“Fuck! Poor Summer. Serial dater Dylan strikes again.”
My eyes widen in shock, which quickly turns to anger. “What the fuck, Joel? You know that’s not what this is.”
“It’s not? Then why aren’t you together? If she’s falling in love with you, and you love her…why aren’t you together, right now?” A heavy lump forms in my throat, and I feel a bit sick. I’m going to assume that the bitter tone in his voice has everything to do with seeing Summer. He doesn’t generally get this worked up over my issues, and he’s become quite protective of her. What he doesn’t understand is that so I am I. I would do anything to keep her from more harm.
“I’m doing it for her,” I say through gritted teeth. “She knows I still care;we message. But, I’m messed up. I’m lost. I feel so guilty for everything that happened to her that I can barely sleep. She doesn’t need me dragging her down into this deep ocean of pain.”
Joel rolls his eyes as though I’m talking shit. “Very poetic. But don’t you think that’s exactly what she’s been telling herself about you for your entire friendship. From the first time I saw you together, I knew there was a spark. Hell, everyone could see it, even you. Summer’s been fighting it this whole time, trying to not only protect her heart, but to also protect you. From what? I don’t know. But someone, probably her father, put it into her head that she wasn’t worthy, and she didn’t want you caught up in that.”
I open my mouth to argue, but Joel starts shaking his head.
“I’m not finished. When she finally opens up and lets herself not only accept love, but feel it…you ran.Youfuckin’ ran. So, you shouldn’t be askingme‘what the fuck?’ You should be turning that question on yourself. And you’ve been messaging…Who cares? You need to talk to her.”
I stare at him in silence, because fuck, he’s right. I panicked when she started to say she was falling for me. I thought it was because I wanted to clear my head before hearing those words. He’s right; I should have talked to her instead of messages.Fuck, am I a commitment phobe?
“Yep, you absolutely are. But I thought it was different with Summer,” Joel says, breaking into my thoughts.I’ve really gotta stop saying them out loud.
“Why have you waited until now to tell me all of this?”
“Because I thought she was avoiding you, too, and I kinda hoped you’d get there on your own.”
Fuck! What have I done? I need to fix this.Without pausing for another word, I push off from the bar and hear my stool crash to the floor as I leave Joel shocked behind me. I sprint toward the front door, pushing my way through the crowd, accidentally elbowing a few people in the process, but all I can think about is getting to Summer.Only a little bit farther.Almost free.I pull out my phone as I step into the hallway, not even caring to look up as I start dialing for a cab, and run smack into the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. She’s breathtaking, even in her flustered state. I grip her elbow to balance her just as she looks up to meet my eyes. I watch as recognition registers and her face shatters.I fucked up. I really fucked up. But I can’t lose her.
My heart beats out of my chest, and there’s no doubt in my mind that it’s love.I love her.I’ve been so stupid. She brushes a loose strand of hair behind her ear and takes a step back. “I’m sorry, I was just…” she trails off and looks behind her, like she’s going to run.
So many things fly through my mind simultaneously as I watch the heartbreak on her face. I’ve lost my chance. She’s it. She’s all that matters and I’ve lost my chance. I can see it in her eyes. But I have to try.
“Please, wait.”
Chapter Forty-Two
Summer
Dylan:Imissyou.
I miss you.I stare down at the message and then exit from the screen so I don’t reply. I can’t do this anymore. I’m stronger than that. While he’s kept his promise of being a friend, albeit through messages, I can’t sit around and hope that things are going to change. The last couple of weeks have been hell for me. I’ve been going through the motions,existing, while inside I’m falling apart becauseI freaking miss you too, Dylan.But I need to move on.