“Well, you fucked that up pretty good,” Noelle said. She took a small wooden duck out of one inside pocket of her coat, and a knife from another, and began whittling, not looking at Miriam.
“You’re not wrong,” Miriam agreed, leaning her head back against the booth and closing her eyes.
“What are you going to do now?”
Miriam thought for a long minute. “Order more fried food and cry into the plate?” she speculated.
She was deeply regretful that she’d hurt Tara. They had been together for years, and even if they weren’t in love, they had loved each other. Miriam wanted to honor that by mourning the end of their relationship. But she was also relieved, which made her feel like an asshole. She wanted to get on with her new life, let herself become giddy with possibilities. To see how she really felt about Noelle, now that she wasn’t engaged.
It was a lot of feelings to try to have at once, for someone not used to having any.
“I meant more big picture,” Noelle said, and Miriam picked up her head from the booth. Noelle sat forward, looking her in the eyes. “What do you want, Miriam Blum?”
Miriam took a fortifying breath and practiced telling the truth again.
“I want you to ask me to stay.”
Part 2
Thanksgiving to Christmas
Chapter 11
Noelle
Miriam was twisting her hands again, paint and glitter still caught under her short nails. Noelle reached over and put her own hands, rough and work-hardened, over Miriam’s. Seeing her with Tara had made it impossible for Noelle to ignore how she felt about Miriam. Noelle’s rational adult brain understood that their being together would, in fact, be a huge, potentially disastrous complication. They’d only known each other a month. Yet Noelle wanted her to stay. Even if they never got together.
Because she didn’t want a Carrigan’s without Miriam Blum.
She didn’t know where to start, so what she said was “I need to tell you, there hasn’t been anyone in my life, since my parents died. I have a really hard time trusting that people won’t leave and allowing myself to rely on people. I don’t know that it’s going to be better, now, with Cass gone, too.”
“You rely on Hannah,” Miriam pointed out.
“Hannah literally stops breathing if she goes past the city limits of Advent,” Noelle deadpanned. “I know she’s not leaving me, as long as I’m at Carrigan’s.”
“That’s not why, and we both know it. Hannah’s a rock,” Miriam argued. Noelle smiled. Hannah was that. “And I’m not. I left everyone, and you don’t think you can trust me not to leave you.”
Noelle ran her hands through her hair. “Look, I know you left because of something your dad did, and not because you decided you didn’t care about your family anymore…” she began.
“But I still ran, and stayed running, and never explained to Hannah or Levi or the Matthewses why I wasn’t coming home,” Miriam finished for her. “I still seem like a flight risk.”
Maybe, if she wasn’t still smarting about how Cass had chosen to leave things, Noelle wouldn’t be so gun-shy. Or if her parents hadn’t walked away from her. This was who she was, though, this was what her sore spots were. She couldn’t unprogram her buttons just because she recognized them.
Why did Cass have to choosethiswoman, who she must have known would get into every crack in Noelle’s armor, to share the business? Was she trying, from beyond the grave, to push Noelle into outgrowing her old fears? It was something Cass would do, manipulating all of them because she’d decided Miriam and Noelle needed it, and that brought a fresh wave of frustration at Cass. It wasn’t fair that Cass had waited until she was gone to spring this on her, so that Noelle couldn’t yell at her.
Miriam sat watching her, waiting for a response.
“Can we be honest? I just watched you break up with your fiancée and you might not need one more thing to add to your mess, emotionally. You seem like you might be at capacity.”
“You’re not wrong,” Miriam conceded. She leaned forward, her elbows propped on the table. “I’m not asking you to marry me, Noelle. I’m not even asking you to kiss me. I don’t know what’s going to happen with whatever this attraction is between us. I’m asking if you want my help saving this farm.”
“Saving the farm is almost more serious than whatever might or might not happen between us in the future. Carrigan’s Christmasland is critical to me. If I trust you to be all in on the farm, what happens if you get spooked again? Are you going to run?” Noelle held Miriam’s eyes because she needed to know that Miriam had thought about this.
“I’m not running away from Carrigan’s again,” Miriam said seriously. “I promise.”
Noelle didn’t really believe her, but she was willing to give Miriam an opportunity to prove her wrong.
“You know it’s going to be awkward. With the…” Noelle paused, trying to think of the words.