Her hand twitches in mine. “Thane?” Her voice is hoarse, but when her eyes flutter open, it’s the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. “It’s done?”
“It’s done.”
She smiles a little, though it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologize for. I’m the one who—”
“If I have nothing to apologize for, then neither do you.” She closes her eyes again. “Did they leave?”
“They thought you might prefer a quiet recovery.” I reach for the first bottle with a tentacle. “Are you in pain?”
“Only a little.” She opens her eyes and watches me pour the correct dosage into the cup. “I’m mostly tired.”
“Drink this, and then you can sleep.” I glance at the bed and then away. As much as I want to hold her right now, this isn’t about my needs. It’s about what she needs. “If you want me to take you up to your old room, I can do that.”
“Thane.” She accepts the cup with hands that shake a little. “You’re doing the noble-sacrifice thing, and I don’t have the energy to navigate it right now, so I’m going to be blunt. I’m shaky and don’t know what to feel beyond relief, so I would greatly appreciate it if you’d hold me tonight.”
“Of course.” Do I sound too eager? I’m not sure I care.
After Catalina takes the dosage, I help her to the bathroom and allow her to chase me out of it. I don’t go far, though. She seems steadier on her feet, but that doesn’t mean she won’t fall. Again and again, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve botched this beyond all reason. Maybe she doesn’t see it that way in this moment, but I know she will as soon as she gets some distance.
I... want her to stay.
Not for the night. Not even for the seven years. Forever. I haven’t felt this kind of connection with anyone since Brant, and while it’s very much different than what I felt for my late husband, it’s no less strong.
But my desires have little to do with what’s right for her.
There is the territory to consider as well. I can’t officially step down from leadership of the territory until the demon deal is finished. It would put my people in danger, would make us look weak. Embry is more than capable of leading—ze is doing it in everything but name already—but ze doesn’t have a human partner, which means ze doesn’t have the promise of a potential half-human child to keep people in line. To keep all the territories on even ground.
If I were putting my territory first, I would have insisted Catalina keep the pregnancy.
The thought makes me sick to my stomach. If I weren’t king, there’s a decent chance Brant would still be alive. I am heartily tired of others paying the price of a position given to me by birth.
I know I should wait, should let Catalina rest and recover, and be nothing but a silent support for her, but I can’t quite manage it. As soon as we’re in bed and she’s back in my arms, I say the thing that’s been plaguing me since the procedure. “Do you want to go home?”
20
CATALINA
I’m so exhausted, I almost convince myself that I didn’t hear Thane correctly. “What?”
“I know it’s only been a few months, but I have already caused you harm several times, and we both know it. Even if the contract hasn’t acknowledged it becauseyourefuse to acknowledge it, Azazel will if we take this to him.”
I turn to face him. Thane looks tormented, his expression stormy and vulnerable. That last bit is enough for me to check my instinctive emotional response to what feels like rejection. Thane and I have already proven we aren’t always on the same wavelength when it comes to communication. I will not jump to conclusions.
Iwill not.
“If you break the contract, you lose your territory,” I finally say.
“So be it.” He says it so bluntly, as if he’s really willing to let his whole territory pay the price of our foolishness.
I believe him. I swallow hard. “Thane, don’t be ridiculous. Even if there was harm committed—and the contract hasn’t pinged it, so why would we bring it to Azazel’s attention?—you’re still weighing one person against thousands. Those don’t balance out.”
“You know, that’s what Embry told me when I wanted to go to war after Brant died. Sol claimed it was an isolated incident, committed by one of the old dragons who felt Brant trespassed on their territory. Not an act of war. Something to be dealt with quickly and quietly so we don’t ruffle the tentative peace between our peoples.” He’s not looking at me anymore. “Ze was right, but it doesn’t change the fact I am heartily tired of sacrificing the people I care most about in the world for the greater good.”
My heart can’t decide if it wants to drop or beat itself right out of my chest. “Embry would tell you the same thing in this situation that ze did before.”
“I’m aware.” Thane’s arms and tentacles tighten around me, but he’s careful not to hold me too hard, and he stays well away from my stomach. “I don’t care. I’ll sign away the leadership to Embry. I should have done it after Brant died. Once I do, the contract is null and void on that end.”