I didn’t bother to say I thought that ship had sailed thanks to me zoning out on her cigarette break.
Layne had already eaten half of her food by the time we put our trays down. The way she danced in her seat had me cracking up.
“That good?” I questioned. She mumbled something I couldn’t understand around a bite before shoving another in.
“That means yes,” Hiro translated. He’d drizzled peanut butter and chocolate chips on his. I’d opted for strawberries and bananas and a side of syrup just in case.
My first bite was like heaven. They were still warm and fluffy, and I didn’t even realize a moan had slipped out until Layne snorted and Hiro blushed, though, I did notice he adjusted himself afterward. The idea that Hiro found me attractive despite all my issues seemed far-fetched, but then again, here, we all had issues.
The real question was... do I find him attractive?
I knew I did, but it was complicated. Hiro was sweet and thoughtful, yet sexy. Roman was strong and protective, yet caring, and just as alluring as his counterpart. But I also craved Drake’s anger, it spoke to another side of me, that primal need to relieve my stress.
Then there was Monty. After our last encounter, I’d been thinking about him differently. Before he was my protector, now he wasn’t so much a protector but a constant in my life. I needed that. And I needed him. It was unexplainable, but I was protective over him even when he fucked up or said something stupid.
He wasmymonster.
Eating turned robotic after that. When I got too far into my thoughts it was like my body went on autopilot. In a way it was as if I were out of my body, watching me do things, but I felt oddly disconnected. The heavy feeling of depression followed close behind, hitting me all at once, and I wanted to fight it, keep my wits about me, but it was impossible. Even with medicine in my system it managed to find a way to take over, consume me from the inside.
I barely paid attention as we threw our trays on the return and made our way back to the elevator. Hiro casted me a few questioning looks, but I didn’t have the energy to explain.
“I have to go to security for something,” Layne said absently before hitting the first floor button and three for us. She gave a hasty wave that I didn’t bother to return. The elevator doors slid closed, but I didn’t notice Hiro moving until he slammed a hand on the stop button. I blinked up at him, but he was moving my way, stepping into my space and looking down at me with a calculating gaze. The softness of Hiro was gone, this was his alter, the one who likely wouldn’t let me hide from answering him.
“Hello, Roman,” I greeted him. He narrowed his eyes at my hollow voice.
“What is this?” he demanded. It wasn’t unkind, but also left no room for argument.
“Depression, you heard of it?” I deadpanned. He didn’t react to my snark, keeping his gaze locked on mine waiting for more. But he wasn’t getting anything else. I didn’t owe him an explanation, he wasn’t my protector, he was Hiro’s.
“What triggered it?” It was the perfect question to startle me out of brat mode. The question might be strange to anyone who didn’t already deal with mental health themselves, but to me it meant he was paying attention. He knew I didn’t just drop into something so sudden without a reason. Maybe I was reading far too much into it. But I liked beingseen.
I looked away from him and to the floor. How could I explain the mess in my head to him?
“Harlow...” He trailed off as if he couldn’t find the right words to continue. The concern was mixed with frustration. I had a feeling many didn’t challenge him like I did.
“It’s fine, Roman. It happens to the best of us,” I said. “Meds help, but sometimes I end up here anyway.”
“Why won’t you say?” The way he spoke, so honest and blunt, was strange but also reassuring. His eyes were imploring, like he truly wanted to know, to understand... to help. And I found I couldn’t deny him an answer.
“It’s complicated, Roman. Life already is but now... certain feelings are getting in the way.”
“How do you feel about Hiro?” he asked. Of course he would assume I meant just Hiro.
“I like Hiro, I do. He’s really great, and I can’t make sense of what I feel exactly but it’s different. Attraction and friendship. He makes me want to learn more about him, but he also makes me feel as normal as I can possibly feel. And it’s not just him...”
“Drake.” It wasn’t a question.
“And you.” My intention wasn’t to be so blunt but I found the words spilling out now that I’d started. He may not have realized, and yes, he was a bit harder to read and talk to than Hiro, but he was equally as attractive to me. I liked that he was honest and blunt, there was no guessing with him. I also liked that he could see right through me and demand for me not to hide. I needed that in my life more than I’d ever realized. “But I don’t know what to do about it or how to handle it. My body doesn’t even feel like my own anymore.” Roman didn’t seem startled by the words, but a small smile did grace his perfect lips. It was an unusual sight after his stoic expression.
Roman didn’t fill the space with false words. He pulled me into his arms and held me tight, my tears slipping free at the comforting embrace. The moments stretched on before a voice echoed through the elevator intercom.
“You will lose elevator privileges if you stop it again. Free up the elevator now or I’ll be forced to report it.”
Roman snorted but let go of me and hit the button. I bit back a smile as the elevator whirred back to life, climbing the floors. The depression was still there, but not quite as heavy as it had been at breakfast. It was odd to me that sharing with someone I trusted helped so much. I wasn’t just touch-starved but kindness-starved as well. But even now I wondered what they wanted from me, why they even considered me at all. Sure they were friendly and held my hand, hugged me. But that didn’t mean they were interested in more.
“I want nothing from you but friendship, Harlow,” Roman answered. “If it turns into something more, fine, if not, that’s something we all would respect.”
“Shit, sorry, I meant that as a thought not something I’d say out loud.” I winced. The doors opened and I rushed out as if I could escape Roman and my embarrassment. He grabbed my wrist, spinning me so fast I almost crashed into his chest. How did Roman seem bigger than Hiro? Because right now, he felt like a brick wall in front of me. He didn’t release me, holding me so close I was forced to look up into his green eyes. They lacked Hiro’s softness, and in this moment, I found the hard promise there important.