That didn’t stop the awkwardness Noah felt at the way he’d almost fallen into something he had no right to claim. He loved Beckett deeply, but that didn’t change the fact that he was a burden and nothing more.
As Aurora and Beckett began to chatter about tea and the books Beckett had brought from the library, Noah’s thoughts returned to what they’d been before. He had no right to foist the burden of his broken mind on Beckett, no matter how much the two of them loved each other. He was not Beckett’s problem to solve, and he refused to be Beckett’s cross to bear.
Beckett had saved him from unspeakable terror, and the time was swiftly approaching when Noah would have to do the same for him. He knew what he was and what that meant for the people who tried to care for him. He wouldn’t let his illness drag Beckett down along with him. As soon as he could, he would have to find a way to release Beckett from what could turn into a lifelong prison sentence. There was only one way to do that.
ChapterSixteen
“I have a marvelous day planned for us,” Beckett told Noah a few days later, as the two of them lounged in bed far longer than Beckett would have under other circumstances. It was Saturday, though, and since he’d already set aside the entire day to entertain Noah, staying all warm and tangled up together was just fine, as far as he was concerned.
“Oh?” Noah asked, tilting his head back to glance up at Beckett.
He’d had his head resting on Beckett’s shoulder and was absently tracing shapes across Beckett’s chest with his fingertips. The touch was arousing, and if not for the fact that their day was already planned out, Beckett would have rolled Noah to his back and made love to him until they were both exhausted.
“First, breakfast,” Beckett said, shifting so that he could sit up. Noah flopped to his back, smiling mildly up at him. “Then we’re meeting Aurora for ice skating. She says she needs to practice for when she’s invited to Miss Callendar’s party.”
Noah laughed. It wasn’t quite the loud and exuberant sound Beckett wanted to hear from him, but it was better than nothing.
“She will charm her way into high society if it’s the last thing she ever does,” Noah said, sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the bed.
“That’s what she wants for herself,” Beckett said with a sigh, climbing out of bed as Noah did. “Though I never understood the appeal of spending all my time with people who think more of themselves than anyone should.”
He crossed to fetch his robe from the wardrobe, handing Noah his robe as he did.
“No,” Noah said with a smirk, “you’d rather spend your time with mad—”
He stopped and turned his face away from Beckett.
Anxious churning filled Beckett’s gut. Noah had been like that for a few days now as he emerged from his depressive fit and returned to what Beckett hoped was normal. Before, he was certain Noah would have extended the joke about Beckett keeping company with madmen, but now, instead of addressing his afflictions openly and honestly, and with a touch of humor, Noah seemed to be shrinking from them.
It was almost as though he were trying to keep his condition a secret from Beckett, but that was ridiculous. Beckett knew, perhaps more than anyone else, what state of mind Noah was in at any given time. He’d seen the worst of it, and he’d brought Noah through to the other side. And he would do it again as soon as he needed to.
“I’d rather spend my time with you,” he said, stepping up behind Noah as he tied his robe and kissing his cheek. He caressed Noah’s backside through the robe as well and added, “All my time.”
Noah smiled, though it was still a little weak. There was fire in his eyes, which Beckett found encouraging. They still hadn’t been intimate since Noah’s treatments, and Beckett was beginning to wonder if the electric shocks had somehow damaged him. But no, he’d felt Noah’s hardened cock against his body a few times during the nights since then and often in the mornings. He wasn’t about to push Noah into anything he wasn’t ready for yet.
Or maybe Noah was waiting for him to initiate something?
Or maybe he was still feeling squidgey.
He shook his head and stepped toward the door. “We should hurry through breakfast,” he said heading out into the hallway and on to the washroom. “Aurora has everything organized, and if we don’t stick precisely to her timetable, she’ll be angry with us.”
“We wouldn’t want to make Aurora angry,” Noah said, following Beckett into the washroom.
They’d gotten into the habit of washing, shaving, and dressing together in the morning, and Beckett found that he liked it. Not only did it give him a chance to keep his eye on Noah to gauge his mood every day, their morning routine provided him with ample opportunity to touch and fuss over Noah as he wiped away bits of shaving soap, teasingly combed Noah’s hair in the wrong direction as he tried to style it, and kissed his lips once they’d broth brushed their teeth. They were the sweet sorts of things that two lifelong lovers did to bring meaning to their interactions.
Noah was more subdued than usual that morning, though. Beckett didn’t press the matter. He could see Noah was deep in thought, and even though they shared nearly all of their physical spaces, he didn’t want to intrude on the private spaces of Noah’s mind. Heaven knew that enough people had tried poking and prodding at Noah’s mind of late.
Breakfast was delicious, and Beckett regretted the need to rush the meal. He glanced briefly at the newspaper, chatting with Noah about a few items as they ate, then apologized profusely to Miss Taylor as they left too much of the food untouched.
New York was already bustling as they made their way to Central Park and on to the Lake. It was a sunny but cold day, and even though the Lake was a bit of a walk, Beckett was eager to get Noah moving as much as possible.
“The Ancient Greeks would have approved of this,” he explained with a teasing, sideways look.
“What, the cold?” Noah asked, a faint glimmer of humor in his eyes.
It was so encouraging that Beckett laughed. “No, the sunshine, fresh air, and exercise. Don’t you remember? We read about it yesterday.”
He walked as close to Noah as he dared, hoping anyone who saw them passing would think they were huddled together for warmth.