I shuddered at the idea of kids. “Children don’t do well in LA.”
He glanced at me, and one corner of his mouth kicked up. “You look like you’re ready to jump out of your skin, woman. You hate kids or something?”
I never had to talk about kids in LA because we were all trying to make it in the film industry, all trying to look our best, and all competing for the perfect life. Children or lack thereof didn’t normally fit into that conversation. “I don’t hate them, Jay. They’re kids.”
He studied me longer than I liked. “They make you uncomfortable?”
“I just don’t have any, so I have nothing to say about them.”
“Do you want some of your own? What’s the name of that guy your mom talked about—Yue Lao? He would probably want you to have children.”
Leave it to Jay to ask such a serious question with no remorse, as if our lives were an open book to one another. He felt that way, too. He wanted me to share everything with him, but a woman’s choice to have children was sacred and sometimes not even her choice. The idea that I could try to have kids and fail just because my body wouldn’t produce terrified me. I was used to making things happen and working toward an end goal. I knew that having children didn’t work that way.
“This really isn’t an idle drive chat,” I mumbled.
He draped an arm over the back seat and settled in. “When did you become shy about sharing?”
“I’m not,” I insisted. “It’s just I haven’t really thought about whether Dougie and I can handle kids.”
Jay’s smile dropped off his face so fast, it was like a ton of bricks had weighed it down. “I wasn’t talking about you having kids with him.”
I sighed. “Jay, it isn’t all bad.”
“When you first started seeing him, did it happen?”
I knew my eyes widened, that a blush crept over my cheeks, but I couldn’t school my reaction. I wasn’t used to the tough questions and pressure from Jay. He normally led people to an answer they never thought they would give by charming them. “No! Just… why are you asking me something so crazy?”
“I don’t have time to sugarcoat things for you anymore, Meek. I’m tired and we’re going to spend a month together. Get used to this side of me, the one where I push you and you push me. We’re here to make each other better, right?”
I looked him up and down, trying to find a crack in his new persona, one I could chip away at to bring back the old Jay. This new one was blunt, truthful, and maybe a little too intense. “I agree that we’re here to make you better. I’m just fine.”
“You’re not.” He said those words with a finality that made me want to break down. Then he shook his head. “Answer the question. Did it happen early on?”
I turned from him. The city faded into rolling hills where evergreen and maple trees sprinkled the grass and wider curved roads formed. It was like we’d left all the noise and distraction and been given space to focus on each other.
“Does it matter? I’ve stayed this long. At first, I thought it had come out of nowhere. Now I can see there were signs from the very beginning. They’re bold as hell and clear as the light of day. We’ve grown together for years. I know in his heart he’s a good guy. Something, or me, probably, tweaked him over the years. Our encounter just pushed things over the edge.”
He didn’t respond. He sat there quiet for so long, I tried to let the conversation fade away like the city lights were. We pulled up to the bed and breakfast. It was small, Victorian, cute, and utterly old. The SUV came to a stop on the gravel driveway, and the driver got out to get our bags.
Jay didn’t move. Instead, he asked me, “We’re giving your ass of a boyfriend a pass and blaming his actions on what you’re calling an ‘encounter’?”
I waved him off, trying to get past the small butterflies I felt in my stomach every time I thought about that night. “Our kiss, our slip up, whatever.”
“Ha,” he huffed out. “Slip up? Little one, that wasn’t a slip up.”
The leather under me shifted as I rubbed my thighs together, trying to stave off what I was feeling. “I don’t know what you mean by that.”
“I’m not sure what I mean either. All I know is we’re more…”
“More what?”
“More than what you’re giving us credit for. Don’t call what we did ‘a slip up.’ Ever.”
He had his arms spread behind the headrest now and he looked relaxed, in control, and not at all remorseful.
“As opposed to me saying something different? I try not to say anything at all about it. I try not to think about it. I want to forget that we fucked up. You’re one of my best and only friends in LA and that could have ruined us.”
“Bullshit.” He didn’t hesitate to spit out the word. “Nothing can ruin us. We’ve been through my partying and we’re about to get through a month together under the same roof, battling through a lot of crap. You’re stuck with me, little one, and nothing changes that.”