Nine months, three weeks, and a day after I slept with Dean Finlay, Cam had entered this world. I cried because I didn’t know how I was going to take care of him and because I hadn’t known I could love so strongly. I’d never loved anyone like that. His little hand grasped my finger tightly, and I knew then that I would do anything I could to keep him safe.
The delivery nurse, Janie Meadows, had just celebrated her sixty-third birthday the day before Cam was born. She took us home with her, and we lived there for the first ten months of Cam’s life. Janie was good to us. She helped me find my feet and get my GED. She instructed me on getting food stamps and help from the state. When she died from the cancer I hadn’t known she was hiding, she had left what little money she had to me and Cam. It had been the only thing that kept us off the streets.
For years, I’d told Cam stories about Janie. Telling him she had been our guardian angel. I often wondered if she would be proud of me now. I liked to think she would be.
One thing I knew for certain was, Janie would tell me that it was Cam’s right to know his father. No matter how Dean took the news. Even if I turned whatever feelings Dean might have for me into hate. Possibly disgust. My not telling him and Cam was selfish. I knew it. I just didn’t know how to begin. Where to start.
The more time I spent with Dean, the harder and harder that conversation seemed.
The door opened, and my internal struggle was halted by the face I had grown to love. I’d never meant to fall in love with him. Out of all the men in the world, he was the last one I should have given my heart to. He was the one that could destroy me. Destroy everything.
“I was hoping for a happier look on your face at the sight of me,” Dean said, closing the door behind him as he studied me.
I pushed all of those thoughts back and smiled at him. “Sorry. Long day. My head was somewhere else.”
“Clearly, I’m needed here,” he said, closing the space between us.
When his hands touched my waist, I glanced up at him and knew that even if I lost this—him looking at me as if he wanted me, as if I mattered to him—I loved him too much to continue lying. Cam needed to know him for who he was, but first, I would have to tell Dean. Let Dean decide how to tell our son.
He lowered his mouth to mine, and I let myself enjoy the kiss as if it were the last one. I clung to him, wishing it were different. That life hadn’t put me in this situation. I had known getting too close to him was dangerous, but I’d done it anyway. I had let all my guards down and fallen in love with him. He pulled back slowly and stared down at me.
“Please tell me we are alone,” he said in a husky voice.
I shook my head, and he groaned.
Smiling, I stepped back just as I heard Cam’s footsteps running down the hallway.
“Dean!” he called out happily. “You are not going to believe this! The junior high marching band instructor came to hear us play today since we will be moving up next year, and he asked me after band practice if I wanted to step up this year. He said I could march this season at the JV games.”
Dean walked over to him and gave him a high five. “That’s fucking incredible!” Dean said. “When is the first game?”
“They’re ordering me a uniform. He said I could start next Thursday. He said if I keep showing this kind of talent, I’d be moving up to the varsity band before I even got to high school.”
Hearing it come from Cam and seeing the excitement on his face made me tear up again. I’d choked up after talking to his band teacher. But I was closer to tears now, seeing Cam so proud as he told Dean.
“Mom, are you crying?” he asked me with a smirk.
I shrugged, then sniffled and wiped at the stray tear that had broken free. “Maybe a little,” I said, then walked over to him and hugged him to me. “I am so proud of you,” I said as I held him tighter than he wanted me to. Especially in front of Dean. It wasn’t cool for your mom to hug you.
I hated how that had changed and how life went too fast and took turns you weren’t ready for.
thirty-two
dean
Brielle had been different last night. I didn’t know what it was, but something wasn’t right. Sex had still been incredible. She’d still fallen asleep in my arms. I just couldn’t get an easy feeling about things. We had been getting along so damn smoothly.
I woke up, excited about my day, about seeing Brielle, working with Cam on the drums. They were the biggest part of my life now, and I wasn’t sure when that had all happened.
I’d gone from wanting to fuck Brielle endlessly to needing her near me all the time. I hated when she was at work. I missed her. I counted down the hours until she came home.
She was coming up to the penthouse as soon as Cam left with Jeremy for a campout that Jeremy’s dad was taking them on. Cam had been talking about it all week. I’d taken him to get a good sleeping bag and some other supplies. Brielle had offered to pay me back, and I’d bent her over the sofa and fucked her until we were both screaming our release.
The knock on the door before she opened it always made me smile. She knew my code. She knew she didn’t have to knock. She did it anyway. I couldn’t decide if I was going to strip her naked and take her to the sauna first or make her talk to me. Get off her chest whatever it was that had been bothering her.
When she walked into the living room, I could see on her face what we would be doing first. She was ready to talk. Whatever it was, I wanted to get it out of the way. This was our alone time, and I wanted every second of it.
“What is it?” I asked her, walking over to take her hand. “Get it out. Something has been heavy on your mind since yesterday. I’ve seen you get distracted before, but not like this. Let’s hear it, so I can fuck you.”